


Battle Symphony

by AloneShadow



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Aftercare, Alternative Leonard's past, Angst and Feels, Bones in the wrong place at the wrong time, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Manipulation, Feelings, Friendship, From friendship to love, Hurt Bones, Hurt Kirk, Hurt/Comfort, Investigations, Leonard centric, Loss of Control, M/M, Memories, Mild Language, Mind Games, Past Relationship(s), Plot, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Protective Kirk, Slow Burn, The Author Regrets Nothing, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2018-12-14 04:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 61,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11775510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AloneShadow/pseuds/AloneShadow
Summary: Leonard always tried to keep his past at distance and forget about the dark memories, focusing only on the present. Now, with his life finally more under control, the past decides to reappear: old friends and a debt that has to be paid. Confident enough to be able to deal with everything by himself, he will realize to be wrong far too late.*-Beware spoilers about the story in the comments-*





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure to post this intro already, but I've read it so many times that I kind of want to see it here so I can judge it again and again and again.......  
> ANYWAY, this story is actually still WIP so I'll take it slow. I was trying to jump into short fluff or angst fics, but my brain was like "LOL nope" and in the end, a plot was there pointing a knife at me.  
> There's no McKirk ship in the story so far, but keep in mind that tags, category and rating may change in the process. Unlike other fics, this time I know the plot, but the execution will be a surprise.... I must say it terrifies and intrigues me at the same time. 
> 
> Jax2020, if you're reading this, you kind of asked for it and planted the seed for this new adventure, so thanks!
> 
> **The sequel of this fic, [**Waiting for the End**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12900363) , is now COMPLETE**

“Why the Enterprise?” 

Leonard McCoy looked away from the city and turned around, “What you mean _why the Enterprise_?” he snarled. 

James Kirk was laying on his back on a bench, eyes closed, “Well, I’m sure there were a lot of starships ready to take you up.” 

“You should be grateful I’m with your then, because I’m a hell of a doctor.” 

“Yeah, but- why the Enterprise?” 

“You’re drunk.” 

“And I’m waiting for an answer.” 

Leonard sighed, shivering into his black jacket when the cold wind hit him in the face, and moving to sit next to his Captain’s head, “I told you when we met. My options were limited. The Academy was the most tolerable.” 

“That was it? Just job?” 

“Not everyone have a deep and emotional connection with the Starfleet like you.” 

“Ah- ‘guess you’re right.” 

Leonard looked sideways at him, “I don’t mean to say that’s a bad thing.” 

“I know.” 

After a moment, the doctor said, “Someone actually asked me to join their crew once… when I was out the University.” 

Jim opened his eyes, looking up at him, “Really? Who?” 

“Not the Starfleet,” he murmured, “but I knew people that were interested in space missions- business of some sort, and they needed a medic. They asked me, I said yes… but it didn’t last that much.” 

“Why?” 

Leonard shook his head, “I guess my destiny was somewhere else.” 

“Aw, that’s very sweet, Bones…” 

“Shut up.” 

“And…? You’re going to leave me hanging like this?” 

“There’s nothing else to say.” 

“There’s a lot more to say. If you’re telling a story, you can’t just-” 

“It’s been a year, you know?” 

“Huh?” 

“Today makes it a year since you got that chair you love so much.” 

Jim blinked, staring at him with a smile slowly appearing on his face, “You were counting the days?” 

“I thought that was the reason why you get drunk today.” 

“Honestly, I just wanted to drink.” 

“Are you serious?” 

“I barely remember any birthday…” 

The doctor shook his head, “What a lame captain you are.” 

“Give me a break, we just landed back home…” he sighed, lazily hitting his head against his leg. 

“Stop that.” 

“Already a year...” 

“And you want to throw us all in a five-year mission _already_ …” 

“Still not sure about that, but yeah, that’s the plan.” 

“I have to write down my testament…” 

“We have to celebrate!” 

“You celebrated more than enough.” 

“Your turn then, come on! One year together, Bones! You really need to get drunk to deal with that.” 

“You bet I should…” Leonard commented watching the man stood up and unsteadily walk away. After a deep breath, he followed, helping him not to fall into the river close by, “Where we’re going next, by the way?” 

“Huh- Nibiru, was it?”

“You’re the Captain and you don’t even know where we’re going.” 

“Well, I still have three weeks to figure it out before we go back in space.” Jim grinned, patting his shoulder. 

Leonard sighed, “You better behave this time. I’m done saving your ass.” 

“You’re my doctor, how can you say such a thing?” Jim gasped dramatically and the doctor just shook his head, making both of them move forward.

 

_Some time later_

Leonard was already awake when his alarm drilled and he shut it with a hand, keeping his coffee mug into the other, never taking his eyes away from his pad. He distractedly took some documents and left his room to reach the Medical Bay of the Enterprise. 

There were few people in the corridor at that hour, everyone was still getting ready for their shifts, and he usually was the first one to enter the infirmary. 

Once there, he placed the documents on a table and looked up from the pad for a second, just look up a second time, frowning, “Uhura?” 

She looked back for a moment, “Good morning. Sorry I came here like this, but-“ 

“You’re hurt? What happened?” leaving the pad on a bed, Leonard quickly and gently grabbed her arm, studying the little cut on her skin and moving to take the necessary to take care of it. 

“I’m not good at cooking.” She smiled embarrassed, “I just needed a plaster, but I couldn’t find it.” 

“You could call for Chapel or- I don’t know who’s with me today, but-“

“It’s fine, really. It’s just a cut.” 

Leonard cleaned the wound and applied the patch, looking up at her that was smiling at him. He coughed, letting her go, “Try to be more careful next time. Just ask Spock to cook instead.” 

“I will. He’s really an amazing chef.” 

“And I’m really not surprised about it.” 

Uhura nodded again, “I better go back on the bridge. Thank you, Leonard.” 

He smiled and watched her leave, then followed asking, “Hey, wait- you know if it’s true that we’re going home? Jim didn’t take a decision yesterday.” 

“Yes, we’re heading to Earth. It’s going to be just for some days. Jim wasn’t happy about it, but…” 

“But Scotty managed to make him change his mind?” 

“He is really good at it.” She laughed a bit before nod again and left, leaving the Doctor free to prepare for his shift in Med Bay.

 

“You think this is a joke? That I like to overreact for nothing?” 

“Well-“ 

“Or that I don’t care about my ship?” 

“ _Your_ ship…?” 

“I care about her, ok? I care, and I need that little thing to keep caring about her, and to get that thing we need to land!” 

Jim sighed and dropped his head on the screen of one of the communicators in the corridor of _his_ ship, “Scotty, that’s what I was trying to say: we _are_ going back home. I approved it tonight.” 

“…Are we?” 

“Yes.” 

“Good. Then let me try to keep this baby working until we’ll be there!” 

The communication clicked shut and Jim gave up on calling again and just walked away in resignation, “Sometimes I wonder who’s the captain here…” he murmured to himself while entering the Med Bay, nodding salutes to the team’s members. He then walked into the little office, “Bones, you go the new-“ he stopped watching him shut his laptop close, letting fall some documents from the desk when he turned better to him. 

“You can’t remember that thing called _knocking_ , can you?” the doctor hissed. 

“Bones, we lived together for three years. You’ll need more than some porn to shock me.” 

“It wasn’t- what I could have done during that time to shock you, anyway?” he asked, frowning. 

“You really want to hear me say it?” 

They stared at each other for a moment, then Leonard looked away and just asked, “What’re you doing here? The bridge doesn’t need the Captain anymore?” 

“You know that we’re going home for two days?” 

“Yeah, Uhura told me.” 

“Oh. Ok then…” Jim saw him staring sideways and nervously at the computer, “Everything alright? I thought you would be happy about it.” 

“I am.” Leonard blinked and looked at him, “Mr. Scott won’t be, though.” 

“We departed less than two months ago and the ship isn’t working… he’s ready to kill me.” He huffed a laugh but regretted the pun when Bones looked down again. “Sorry. Bad joke.” 

“It’s fine.” 

“It’s not, but _I am_ ,” Jim said, sitting in front of him, on the other side of the desk. “Bones, I know I’m the last person that should tell you this, but… can you at least try not worrying about me like I’m going to- to collapse at any moment?” and he still felt bad saying it, because he knew that his death was still a hard topic. He knew the doctor saved his life when technically it was _already_ too late, and he was grateful to him… but seeing how much distress that miracle caused to his friend, sometimes he wondered if it was worth it. 

Leonard just nodded, then straightened his back looking at him, “You should be on the bridge. We’ll be home soon.” He said, and the Captain sighed but nodded and stood to leave. “Jim…” 

“Yeah?” 

“You’ll need me once we land?” 

Jim stood behind the chair, frowning a bit, “Uh… no. All the crew will be off duty until we’ll leave again.” 

“Alright.” 

He kept staring at the doctor, both hands on top of the chair now, “Bones, you sure everything’s fine?” 

“Yes. I just- I’ll need to see someone, so…”

“Oh. Ok…”

They nodded at each other until the silence became awkward and Leonard coughed and said, “So. That’s that. Just wanted to be sure this lethal trap won’t fly away without me.” 

Jim huffed a laugh, “That’s not going to happen. I’ll be sure you and your grumpy mood will still be on board when we leave, don’t worry.” That said, he walked outside the office. 

Leonard took a deep breath and, once sure he was gone, he reopened the laptop, staring worryingly at the message he was reading before the Captain had stormed into the room: 

_It’s been a long time, isn’t McCoy? Time to keep your promise.  
M. R. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 on the way. Finally, the story can start to unfold about Leonard and his adventure. This story focuses a lot on his past but, from what I've read, nothing of what I'm going to write is canon- aside from his divorce. There aren't lots of info about Leonard's past, so hurray for more plotting freedom! (as long as my brain will take it)

Coming back home usually always had a relaxing effect on the crew, and most of the times Leonard would have felt the same way. This time, however, he had very few things to smile about.

He stopped out the hangar where the shuttle dropped them and stared at the rest of the city, thinking about the message he received the day before. He knew who wanted to see him and he knew that this day would’ve come, sooner or later- but so much time has passed since the memory hit him… He slowly started to forget about it. He wasn’t expecting it anymore, or at least not now that everything was kind of sorted out after two years of craziness and madmen trying to kill him, his crew and his captain. The Romulans first, then the attack on the city and Khan… Jim actually died and came back to life just a few months before, for God’ sake. Maybe it was too soon to send him back into action… he wasn’t ready, he still needed time to-

“Bones, you’re stuck?” The said Captain commented bumping against his shoulder and sighed at him flinching, “Really, what’s with you being so jumpy?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He murmured trying to swallow his heart back in place while moving his bag from a shoulder to another. It felt good not wearing the Starfleet’s uniform for once. 

Jim shook his head, “Hey, if there’s something bothering you-“ 

“Why it should be?” 

“I don’t know. Bones.” He insisted, placing a hand on his arm to stop him, “I’m not asking because I’m the captain now. I’m asking you as your friend.”

Leonard stared at those blue eyes and almost wished to drown into them, forgetting about the things that were hunting him at the moment. “Do I look like I’m the mood to share a moment with you?” 

“You never look that way, that’s the problem.” Jim said tiredly, letting him go, “See you later, then?” 

“Yeah, sure.” 

Jim watched him walking away without looking back. He took a deep breath and moved to reach the rest of the crew. 

 

 _I should’ve told him_ , was what Leonard kept saying to himself while walking to the train station. Nothing was going to happen, he was confident enough on that, but… 

_But I know who I’m going to meet... and he rarely respects any plans at all._ Leonard sat in his place with a groan, closing his eyes while the train silently started to move, quickly reaching full speed. He still had almost one hour to prepare himself before the meeting. Sadly, he was sure that not even ten hours would have been enough. 

 

One hour later, he was in one of the little towns outside San Francisco, not even remotely close to the chaos of the big city. 

He stopped outside the station, looking around before grabbing his phone and stare at it. Calling Jim now would look like a clear call for support- even the Captain would’ve noticed. _Maybe I should at least tell him where I am… or just some vague indication,_ Leonard thought staring at the black screen.

When the phone suddenly rang into his hand, he almost dropped it. 

Leonard blinked in surprise at the name on the screen, but there was a light relief in his voice when he answered, “It’s been just one hour-“ 

“Who you’re going to meet?” Jim asked with a low, slurry voice, completely ignoring him. “I should have asked before, but you were being so serious…” 

“Are you drunk already?” 

“Then I thought that maybe something happened to Joanna, I don’t know. Can’t you just tell me?” 

Leonard could do that. No one said that he couldn’t talk about it, after all… yet, he was still worried that Jim would have judged his decision- and his past. “Why you care so much?” He asked instead and closed his eyes, cursing at himself right after the words came out his mouth. 

After a moment of silence, Jim said, “What kind of stupid questions is that?” 

Leonard huffed out a laugh, “Look, it’s not about Joanna...” 

“Then what?” 

“A man… an old friend wants to see me and I couldn’t say no.” 

“Ok…” 

“It’s- it’s not weird as it sounds.” 

“It sounds more like he wants to see you but you don’t.” 

Leonard wondered how that kid would read him so well, even through a phone call. “I’m used to engage with people I don’t really like. I just have to talk with him.” 

“Why, if you clearly don’t _want_ to?” Jim asked and the silence that followed was enough as an answer. “Bones, if you’re in trouble-“ he started, more seriously now.

“I told you, I just have to talk with him.” 

“Who’s this man?” 

Leonard sighed, “Remember when I told you that I wasn’t that different from you when I was younger?” 

“I remember laughing about it…” 

“Well, I wasn’t. I made mistakes, trust the wrong people… and other people helped me out. I doubt I would’ve been able to meet you on that shuttle if it wasn’t for them.” 

Jim stayed silent for a moment, “Ok, but you don’t know what these people want... You didn’t even tell anyone where you were going.” 

“I’ll be fine.” 

“You’re not, you just enjoy lying to me.” 

“I don’t,” Leonard said, voice more serious than he intended to. Looking outside, he saw a gray car parked on the other side of the street. “Listen, this is personal stuff- it’s just about me, so I’ll take care of it and tell you everything when I’ll be back, alright?” 

Jim sighed, “Why you can’t just tell me what’s going on?” 

_Because you’re not gonna like it_ , Leonard thought. “Because it’s none of your business.” He said instead, trying to sound colder than he could. “Sorry. See you later.” He added, because he couldn’t stop himself, and then closed the call. Walking outside, he turned the phone off and gave it to the man waiting against the gray car. Another man was sitting in the back.

The man, a normal guy on his thirty, smiled a bit taking the phone, “You remember the rules.” He said, opening the door for him. 

“Some things never change,” Leonard commented and all he could do was sitting inside the vehicle, leaving the city with them.

 

Leonard never thought to find himself in another trip like that so suddenly, with that kind of people- and he felt bad thinking that way only because he had been in their place once. 

He was still able to refuse at the time, but when your life is a mess and no solutions are coming your way, it becomes easier to hang on the first thing that actually seems to put some sense in the chaos. The consequences, the _how_ that peace is going to last, the _orders_ … those were just details he forced himself to ignore- until he couldn’t anymore. 

In the end, he has been lucky enough that the man that saved him noticed the poor doctor wasn’t made for that kind of life… 

_“I can see that you’re not happy here, Leonard. You can leave. I’ll let you go, you just have to promise me one thing: if I’ll ever need your help, you’ll come back to repay your debt. That’s it. One favor for another. Fair enough?”_

And at the time, Leonard thought it was. He owns that man more than a promise, after all. 

Maybe it was so hard to sit in that car now, just because his life changed so much after he left the group. He became father and then he lost that family; hoping to turn his life into something better, trying to forget a dark past and an ex-wife that _fight_ him to kept their daughter away from him, he joined the Starfleet... and that’s how he found himself on a shuttle, sitting next to the guy that would’ve become his best friend and captain. 

Orders on the Enterprise were constant as well, and it wasn’t easy to adapt to it, not after years spent receiving orders he didn’t approve, but couldn’t disobey. Despite that, he knew his place, and slowly everything set in place. 

Even Jim ordered him to go there or do something occasionally, but there was no cold command in his voice, no trace of hidden enjoyment in that kind of control. Leonard never heard that and he lived peacefully and happy just like that… despite all the other shit storms they met in the last years, obviously. 

Thinking about all that, just helped Leonard understand that he would never go back living that life, he didn’t even wanted to see any of those people… but he had to. He promised, he still had a debt to pay and he wanted to get over with it. It was just sad that Jim and his new crew, his new life, were in the way now. 

“We’re here,” the driver said, parking the car. 

Leonard moved outside and stared at the large and low hotel in front of them. 

“You look surprised.” The same man said. 

“What about the old base?” Leonard couldn’t stop from asking and saw the two man exchange a glare. “Yes, I remember it. I was there once.” He sighed.

“We don’t stay in the same place for long anymore. Come on.” The man said again and led the way without looking back. 

Leonard followed inside the not-too-fancy hotel, then upstairs. They stopped on the third floor, the last floor, in front of a door in the middle of the corridor that the driver opened it for him: the suite was large, with gigantic windows on the other side, facing the mountains far away. There were two doors on the left and one, ajar, on the right; in the middle of the room, two women were sitting on the couch, both of them wearing casual clothes and both with blonde, long hair coming out from the back of their old-looking hats. They stood when the other group entered, but said nothing. 

“He’s waiting in the other room.” The driver said once again, pointing an arm at the door on the right.

Leonard nodded slowly and, after hearing the door of the suite closing behind him, he forced himself to move. He stared at the handle for a moment before grabbing it and walk inside without thinking too much, trying to ignore the need to just turn around and leave… Need that quickly disappeared when he saw the man sitting on the banister of the balcony outside the bedroom, reading a book like he always used to do when waiting for something, or someone.

Raoul Morten wasn’t a big all-muscles type of man, but he was tall. His face, half-hidden under a black, short beard, could make his face look older than he actually was, but his dark-blue eyes shined when he looked up at his guest and his thin lips curved into a closed smile. “Leonard.” He said straightening his back and lowering the book, keeping it between his long fingers. 

The doctor swallowed and closed the door, slowly walking inside the bedroom where also were two desks full of documents and books, plus a little private bar in the corner. 

“Raoul.” He nodded once at the entrance of the balcony, staring at the man, noticing few gray lines through the deep black of the rest of his short, curly hair; he was wearing a blue shirt with the sleeves pulled at the elbows over a pair of old jeans. 

“A hug would be awkward, isn’t it?” Raoul asked sarcastically. 

“A bit.” Leonard nodded, trying hard not to step back.

The other laughed softly, “What about a handshake, then?” he said offering his free hand and when the doctor grabbed it, he added, “It’s been a long time… I see you well.”

“You too.” 

“Medically speaking or you’re just trying to be nice?” 

“Both.” 

Raul stared at him with that little smile on his face, then left the book on the little table close by, “Have a seat. I get us some drinks.” He said jumping down from the banister. 

Once again, Leonard felt a bit intimidated by the tall man when he walked next to him to enter the room. 

Raoul came back after a moment with two glasses and stared at him, still standing, before place one on the table, closer to the doctor’ side, while he sat on the banister again, keeping the glass between his hands. “You don’t want to sit? We have a lot to talk about...” 

“We do?” 

Raoul took a sip, looking patiently at him, “If you think to know the reason why I called you here, I can assure you, you’re probably wrong.” 

Leonard still did not sit, but tried not to sound too nervous, “Whatever the reason might be, keep in mind that I’m not part of your crew anymore. I’m here only because I promised you.” He was ready to fight bare hands if he was just _thinking_ to drag him into that world again… or he would die trying.

“I know, and I always appreciate who can keep a promise.” Raoul nodded, “For now I just want to talk with an old friend. You want to go downstairs in the restaurant? Maybe you’ll feel more comfortable there?” he asked with a strange smile. 

That was what Raoul liked to do, keep people on the edge. If he was good at something, it was making them feel comfortable enough to move closer, then hit the weak spots and watch them trying to rush back, like animals smelling danger. He liked to play with people that way, and Leonard couldn’t stand it- just like lots of other things he saw and heard in the time he had spent working with him.

“If you start with your bullshits, I swear-“ 

“I won’t.” Raoul smiled raising his hands, but from the smile on his face, it was clear that he was enjoying the whole situation bit too much. “So the old, bad-guy-McCoy it’s still there. You were so polite, I was starting to worry.” 

Leonard tried to calm down and sat down, drinking all the drink in one go. 

Raoul keep that light smile on his face, studying the man before saying, “So you actually made it. You’re in the Starfleet. Congrats.” 

“I said no bullshits.” 

“I was trying to be polite just like you.” 

“You hate Starfleet,” Leonard said, staring coldly at him, “No need to pretend to be happy for me.” 

The other man nodded, taking another sip, “I can’t deny that a part of me was still hoping to see you coming back. I just know that you’re wasted in that useless hole that is the Starfleet.” 

“I’m a doctor. I just do my job.” 

“Like a said, a waste.” 

Leonard saw something close to sincere sadness in his face. He quickly looked away. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I respect your decision. It was your life, after all.” Raoul said, moving the glass through his hands, “But it was sad to lose you. You were a perfect second in command. I haven’t chosen anyone else since you left… No one was good enough and, well, as I said, I was hoping to see you coming back one day.” 

The doctor said nothing, bad memories hitting him like cruel, painful slaps. 

“The place is still free if you want it.” 

Leonard put the glass down with a loud hit and looked up at him, “I don’t, and you know that. Now, can’t we get to the point where you tell me what do you want from me?” 

They stared at each other for a long moment, until Raoul took a breath and said, “I need Doctor McCoy one last time. Oh, don’t make that face, it’s not like the old times, don’t worry. I have a person, a woman, very ill. I want you to check on her.” 

Leonard frowned, “You need a doctor? That’s why you called me?” 

“I need a good doctor.” He pointed out. 

“If I remember correctly, you had plenty of doctors in your medical team…” 

“I know, but I need a trustworthy doctor this time.” 

He huffed ironically, “And you trust _me_?” 

Raoul smiled his closed smile again, “Always.” 

Leonard tried to hold his gaze but eventually looked down. “What kind of disease she have?” 

“Something bad, but she’s stubborn, she don’t want my or anyone’s help.” 

“How am I supposed to help her, then?” 

“She have a weak spot for Starfleet’s employees- and don’t we all? Must be the charm of the uniform.” He explained wiggling his eyebrows. 

“I thought I was clear about the bullshits.” 

“Sorry.” Raoul laughed a bit, emptying his glass. 

Leonard couldn’t ignore how Raul and Jim were similar in some aspects, and he hate it- even more, he hated himself for the association. Raul’s true nature was something he never saw in the young Captain, and he was grateful for it. 

“So that’s what you want? I have to visit a woman?” he asked in the end. 

“If I have to be specific, I want to you save her.” Raoul said, leaving the glass on the table, next to the other one, “She has to survive.” 

“Why she shouldn’t?” 

“I told you, she’s very sick, but I’m sure you’ll find a way to help her. You’re a Doctor of the Starfleet, after all.” 

“And what if I can’t do anything for her?” 

Raoul shrugged, “In that case, I’ll have to call you another time, until you’ll be able to repay your debt.” 

Leonard snorted, “And you called me just because you _hope_ that I can help her?” 

“And because I missed you.” He added with affection, but the doctor’s expression was enough to cut the giggles even before they could start, “Oh, come on, I actually wanted to see you again. And, of course, I’m sure that you can help her.” 

“I’m just a doctor, I can’t do miracles.” 

“I’m not sure about that,” Raoul said, voice low and smooth. 

Leonard felt a shiver along his spine. He frowned, “I don’t follow…?” 

“No?” 

“I can visit her and see what’s her problem, but-“ 

“From what I’ve heard recently, you learned some new magic… like taking dead people back to life.” 

Leonard never thought _Damn it, I should have listened to Jim_ before, and the time finally has come. “What?” 

“You’re the one pretending now, Leonard?” Raoul said with a tolerant expression. “I know what happened after the battle against that man, months ago. I know what you managed to do for your little captain- James Kirk, is it?” 

“Don’t put him into this.” Leonard almost growled, but it was too late to take it back, and he saw that that reaction was just what Raul was expecting. Last thing he wanted was to hear Jim’s name coming from him. “You know nothing.” He added looking away. 

“I know enough.” Raoul hopped down the banister, leaning against it, “I know that he was dead and I know that you brought him back to life. And you know what? I don’t care how you do it. I mean, I am curious, sure, but that’s not why you’re here. I can ask only one favor from you, I had to choose. I don’t want your magic cure, I just want you to use it.” 

Leonard knew by now that going there alone, without telling anyone where he was, it _really_ had been a stupid idea. He knew that Raoul could ask for anything, but the serum from Khan’s blood? That never crossed his mind. “So you already know that she’s not gonna make it?” 

“Almost sure. I actually need you to go check on her first. If there won’t be any other way to save her, then I’ll need you to use your magic.” 

Leonard knew that Raoul wasn’t stupid: he knew about Jim’s death and miraculous recovery, and he knew that he was the doctor that took care of him… try lying to him was pointless. “If you know about that, you should also know that I don’t have it anymore.” 

“Oh please. You’re a doctor, and that was a cure for death itself. Of course you keep it.” 

_I hate this man_ , Leonard thought. “Even _if_ I do have it, I can’t use it again.” He insisted.

“Why?” 

“Because it would be against the law.” 

“And you think I care about that?” 

“I care.” 

“That’s your problem, not mine.” 

Leonard looked angrily at him, “You think it was something easy to obtain? That I can use it on daily basis?” 

Raoul smiled a bit, like a wolf looking at a wounded prey. “So you can break the law to save your Captain, but not an innocent woman?” He asked and saw him shook his head, looking away. “Leonard, hey, I’m not judging you. I’m proud of you.” He said sitting in front of him, leaning forward, “You now understand that sometimes we have to go against the law, against nature- even our own nature. Otherwise, your Kirk would be dead by now, isn’t it?” 

“There’s nothing to be proud about. He died. He actually died. It was pure luck that I could bring him back.” 

Raoul studied his face for a long moment, then leaned back again, “I’m sure it wasn’t easy, and I’m sure you actually did some kind of miracle saving his life. I just need you to do the same for someone else. You’re a doctor… I’m just asking you to save a life.” 

Leonard stared back at him in contemplative silence. Few people knew what he used to save Jim’s life, and those few people all knew better than talk about it with someone else. If using Khan’s blood Leonard violated God’s know how many laws, keeping a sample of it was enough to send him out the Starfleet once and for all- if not being jailed for the rest of his life. 

No one knew he kept another portion of the serum and he didn’t tell anyone about it. He wasn’t going to use it, he didn’t even make some tests on it, the vial just stayed in his apartment because- he didn’t even know why. 

Maybe because watching Jim’s dead, cold body on a table once was more than enough, and he wanted to be ready if that was going to happen again. He kept the serum because that fear never left him completely, not even after Jim woke up, alive, and smiled at his doctor, completely unaware of how terrified he was that the serum could not work- or work in the wrong way.

But now, using it for someone else… the implications and the risks you could have to face doing such a thing… and because Raul, of all people, was asking him to do it… 

“Look, I know I’m asking you a big favor,” Raoul said in the end, distracting him from his thoughts, “and I understand that what you did to save your Captain was something you normally wouldn’t have done. So, hear me out: I’ll take you to this woman and you will check on her for a diagnosis. I just need her to stay alive. If you can do that without any miracle, fine by me. If there’s no other way, however, I’ll need you to use your medicine, and I won’t accept a no from you.” He wasn’t smiling anymore.

Leonard swallowed. There was no other choice and right now, the only thing he could do was trying to get some time, time to find a solution, to search for help- to contact his crew. “Ok.” 

Raoul nodded once, a smile again on his lips, “Perfect. We better hurry up then. It’s going to take a while to reach her place.” 

“Where we have to go?” the doctor asked, following him back inside.

“A little planet- not exactly around the corner.” 

“Wait, I can’t stay away too long. My ship is gonna set off in two days.” 

“Well, you better warn them to get another doctor then.” 

“I can’t leave just like that. You didn’t warn me about a space trip!” 

Raoul stopped, looking tiredly at him, “You want the conditions of the deal… ok: we’re leaving, now, with my ship. Better?” 

“No, it’s not better! I can’t-“ Leonard turned around when something pierced his neck, finding one of the women helping him to sit down on the floor while his legs suddenly weren’t able to support him anymore, “You- no… damn it, Raoul, he’s going to-“ 

“Shh. Don’t worry. We’ll take care of everything.” Raoul said, crouching next to them, passing a hand through the doctor’s hair, “You need to rest your precious mind and be ready to work later.” 

Leonard tried to move away from the touch, but just managed to slowly shake his head, feeling terribly tired and after his eyes closed, his last thought was only for Jim and how would’ve reacted not finding him on the Enterprise.

.-.-. 

When Leonard woke up, the first thing he noticed was pain over his face. On his right cheek, more precisely.

He carefully touched the spot, finding a plaster under his fingertips. Then, he noticed also the metal ceiling he was looking at. With a sigh, he turned his head a bit and he felt his hands shivering in anger, “You still have that terrible habit to stare at people sleeping?” 

Raoul was sitting on a table, legs crossed under himself and a book into his hands. He looked up and blinked innocently, “I actually came in just some minute ago.”

“Great. And I guess I have to thank you for this?” he asked, massaging his cheek.

“No. You have to thank Alex for it. You were putting up some fight when you woke up before. We had to sedate you again.” 

Leonard stared at him, then at the empty, cold room and almost laughed, shaking his head in disbelief, “You really took me on your ship.” 

“I told you we had to go. Sooner the better.” 

“You’re just the same idiot I met the first time...” 

“Excuse me?” 

Leonard groaned while sitting up, “You think this is a joke? You really think that you can kidnap people like this?” 

“Well, kidnap is a big word…” 

“You asked me to come with you, I said no and you drugged me and took me away- you kept me drugged until now! What’s your definition for all this?” 

Raoul thought for a moment, “Free holidays?” 

Leonard was up in a second, ready to punch him in the face, “Drop me on the closest planet. Now.” 

“That was my intention.” He nodded and saw him frown, “I told you where we were going. We’re almost there.” 

“You mean where that woman lives?” 

“Yes. It’s a little, abandoned planet. It doesn’t even have a name.” 

Leonard stared at him, still considering punching him, but then just sat down again on the little bed. “You have no idea what trouble you’re putting yourself into.” 

“Oh really?” 

“You think my crew won’t search for me? People know that I should be on the Enterprise by now.” 

“The Enterprise, right…” Raoul nodded slowly, closing his book, “I allowed myself to send a message to the First Officer in your place, I hope you don’t mind.” 

“You _what_?” 

“I told him that you need some time to deal with personal business, so it was for the better to select another doctor available for the nearest future mission of the USS Enterprise.” 

“You can’t do such a thing.” 

“Well, I tried to use your phone but you locked it- aren’t you smart?” he smiled slyly, “Not that we really needed your phone to send the messages, anyway. We are well prepared for almost any kind of communication.” 

Leonard could feel anger growing at alarming speed. “And you think they’ll buy it?” 

“Well, the Enterprise left Earth as scheduled, so... ” 

“They wouldn’t-“ 

“They already have.” 

“They know I should be on board. They’re not gonna believe I left without warning anyone.” 

Raoul sighed, “You mean that Jimmy wouldn’t?” 

“Don’t call him like that.” 

“Oh, is that a treat?” 

Leonard was dead serious, but he knew Raoul and how much he liked to play with people... Drive the doctor mad was one of his favorite hobbies in the past. “I might be just a doctor, but that’s enough to know where to hit to make you bleed faster.” 

Raoul kept staring at him, that dangerous smile again on his face, that then turned into one of almost adoration, “Come back work with me, Leonard. Please?” 

He ignored him and took a deep, long breath trying to calm down. 

“You’re still the same man that earned respect from everyone, hard way or not. Why you’re forcing yourself to be someone else?” 

“Don’t you even try it…”

“Why you have to be just a simple doctor because of Starfleet? You could be anything you want here, with me. With all of us.” Raoul insisted, moving to stand in front on him, “This life was made for you, you were just scared to let go. Now you are here again, and after some days the Starfleet’s Doctor is already gone. You’re breathing again.” 

“I was breathing just fine even before. I left you and your crew because I’m not a mercenary and because I wasn’t going to spend my life torturing people.” 

Raoul sighed, “You left because you were becoming used to it.” 

“And that’s not enough of a reason to want to leave?” 

“I don’t know, but what your Starfleet did to John Harrison apparently wasn’t enough to leave _them_.” 

“Don’t change subject now-“ 

“You’re the one accusing me of torturing people. As if that didn’t happen between the Federation’s walls… hiding in the darkest places where no one can see how they deal with _uncomfortable_ activities.” 

Leonard didn’t answer, standing immobile where he was while the other man was slowly walking around him. 

“But you already know that, you’re not that naïve, and still you’re judging me for what I do. I told you once, remember? What is wrong and what is right it’s only a matter of perspective.” Raoul stopped in front of him, almost pleading with his eyes. “You said that that was a dangerous way to think, that it could only lead the chaos, but that isn’t what you got in the last two years anyway? Doing the _right thing_?”

Chaos and death, yeah, that could be pretty much the sum up of the last two years with the Enterprise… still, Leonard couldn’t put Raoul’s crew and the Enterprise’s on the same level. “Starfleet is not perfect, but at least we still believe in something.” 

“Something or _someone_?” he commented, earning an angry glare from the doctor, “I guess your captain in his shiny uniform deserve such a loyal dog… he calls you Bones for a reason, I see.” 

Leonard couldn’t stop himself: he moved to punch him, but Raoul was faster and easily dodge it, quickly smashing him against the wall instead, painfully pulling and bending his arm behind his back. 

“The puppy must protect his owner’s honor… Aren’t you adorable?” Raoul murmured against his ear, pressing his arm even more. 

“Shut- up.” He snarled trying to move, but the grasp on his arm didn’t lessen and he was more and more pressed between the cold wall and Raoul’s body behind him. Pain started spreading on one side of his head after the hit. 

“You know, when you left us, I was sure that Starfleet wouldn’t have accepted you… Can you imagine my surprise when I heard that you not only made it but got a place on the Enterprise? And under James Kirk’s command- he kind of became famous after the Romulans mess and saving Admiral Pike… the battle against Harrison some months ago was just the cherry on top of a brilliant career. So tell me, you never thought that maybe his time was done? That maybe he didn’t deserved to be saved that time?” 

“Are you- really asking to me?” 

“Put aside your doctor’s instinct for a sec, would you? Honestly, are you so sure that saving him, breaking all the rules and playing God was the right thing to do?” 

Leonard moved a bit his face, still stuck in his grasp, “Why you care so much about it?” he asked back, and felt him moving even closer. 

“Because I can’t wait to see your face when you’ll realize that you were wrong.” Raoul murmured slowly before let him go. 

Leonard turned around in time to see him grab his book, “He deserved to be saved more than anyone else.” He said harshly, just because he simply couldn’t let him go away with that. 

“He already abandoned you once. I’m curious to see how many times it’ll have to happen again before you will change your mind.” Raul looked back at him, calm as nothing happened, “We’ll be ready to land soon.” And after that, he left, closing the door behind him. 

Breathing hard, Leonard brushed a hand over the new scratch on his forehead and sat down, trying to ignore everything Raoul said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having so much fun with Raoul... by the way, if you want to give him a human form, he is actually inspired by an Italian actor called (surprise surprise) Raoul Bova. I don't know why, but he was stuck in my head when I was starting with "my" Raoul, when the name was also different... in the end, I was like -why not?- and changed it. It's funny because I think Raoul (the actor) never actually played an evil character in any of his films.  
> Karl Urban and Raoul Bova in the same movie would be the death of me...


	3. Chapter 3

Left alone in the empty room, Leonard could only think about how fast everything was going to hell since he left the Enterprise: if Raoul was saying the truth and his ship left Earth, that meant that few days has passed already… and he couldn’t remember half of that time, drugged for most of it. Even that Alex guy that punched him was a blurred memory in his confused mind.

He knew how dangerous Raoul could be and still, he let his guard down. Being called to pay his debt was the last thing he was thinking about, there was no time to elaborate, he just wanted to get done with it so bad that he simply didn’t stop to rise all the damn defenses....

Ironically, Jim had been the one warning him to be careful, ready to help him if needed because of course James Kirk always know when something bad is going to happen before everybody else.

Leonard sighed, eyes closed, thumping the back of his head against the wall. _Help a woman to stay alive, that’s all he wants from me. I’m a doctor, for God’ sake, I can do that_ , he kept saying to himself, but the truth was that he was worried sick about _not_ being able to do it… and then, what? Was he really going to use Khan’ serum? 

The ship started to quiver and after a moment a woman with the colder expression the doctor ever saw appeared at the entrance of the room, staring at him before say, “Come on, Doctor.” waiting there for him. 

He slowly stood, following her outside: the ship wasn’t shiny-white like the Enterprise, but it looked a good ship, not old and ruined like he was expecting, but still, it felt as a cold place, just a vehicle to use. The Enterprise was more like part of the crew itself. 

More people were in the long corridors they walked in, everyone staring at the guest, but none of them saying a word. _Still no uniform_ the doctor noticed, not surprised: everyone on board knew who was in charge- and also what would’ve happened to anyone that tried to cross the line. No need uniforms to keep that in mind in Raoul’s crew, where everyone was ready to remind people about the rules the hard way.

One more door slid away, and Leonard found himself in what looked like the hangar of the ship. There was a little group of four men and two women not too far, between two big SUV; they were preparing their equipment, weapons, and other stuff. 

“They will come with you and Raoul on the planet.” The woman said to him when they stopped some meters away, “Wait here and don’t try anything stupid, alright Doctor? We still need you in one piece.” 

Leonard just nodded and slowly moved closer to the group. They all looked up at him. “Who’s Alex?” he asked once in front of them. 

A man with short brown hair raised his eyebrows but then grinned, “That’s me. Sorry for the punch, man. Don’t know about Starfleet, but here we have no problem getting our hands dirty when we have to.” He said moving closer- and an unexpected punch sent him down with a yelp of surprise. 

Leonard hissed and flapped his hand in the air in pain, before checking that his fingers were still intact, “Neither do I, _man_.” 

Two of the group grabbed the Doctor by his arms, while the others were helping Alex to get up but the man was on his feet in a second by himself, “You son of a-“ 

“Aw, I really missed this,” Raoul said approaching and all of them stopped to look at him. He smiled at Leonard and then looked at his sides, “Let him go. I’m sure they’re even now. Right, Alex?” he looked at the other. 

Alex was staring nervously at the doctor but nodded, passing a hand under his bleeding nose. 

“We’re landing. All of you get ready.” Raoul said and all the members of the group moved to the end of the hangar. He looked back at the doctor and smiled, “Did I already said that I missed this?” 

“I already said that I don’t?” Leonard growled flexing his fingers, flinching when he grabbed his wrist. 

“You do, you’re just too stubborn to admit it.” Raoul said staring at his hand, then at him again, “You’re getting better at fighting. Something interesting happened while you were away?” 

Leonard pulled away, “Do I have to remind you that I’m not here because I want to? I’ll visit your friend and then you’ll bring me back to Earth.” 

“Save her and you’ll be back into your Captain’s arms in no time,” Raoul said happily, walking away to reach the others. 

“How did you know about Harrison?” Leonard asked, watching him stop and look back, “Or about my nickname?” He had thought about different possibilities, but that Raoul had left someone to spy on him since he left was just insane… even for someone like him.

“I know lots of things. We’re mercenary, but we’re all very… productive. And curious. If there is something valuable enough to know, we’ll know. Space is full of interesting information…” Raul said like thinking about something else before focus on him again, “By the way, _Bones_ is just terrible. I bet only the captain call you this way.” 

Leonard stayed quiet, feeling more anger at the sight of that little smile on Raoul’s face before he proceeded to reach his group. 

After a moment, the ship trembled again until it touched the ground with a soft thump. The entrance of the ship slowly started to rise while the lower part descended to allow them to go down on a big, green field tinted of the orange of the sunset, a cold wind silently hitting all of them.

Leonard followed the others, looking around the big, windy plain; there were rocks here and there, small or gigantic, but no trees in sight. Being able to breathe just as fine as on Earth was a mere consolation.

“Doctor.” Raoul called and handed him a backpack when he turned to him, “Everything you need is in here. Careful, there’s fragile stuff too.” 

“How you know what I’ll need?” 

“Sixth sense.” 

Leonard looked unimpressed and snatched the backpack from his hands. “If she’s sick why she lives here? There’s at least a city- a village on this planet?” 

“No. It’s just nature, and her.” 

“And why you just don’t take her away?” 

“Long story… come on, I’ll tell you while you move. Guys,” he looked at the others, “Two here, two halfway and Alex with me. Simple as always.” He said, and they all nodded. 

Leonard frowned but followed him while two of the group stayed behind, guarding the entrance of the spaceship; when they started to climb the cliff, the other two stopped halfway to the top. Once up there, there was only him, Raoul and Alex. Looking behind, Leonard stared at the ship that now he could see better, in all his dark glory: it wasn’t big as the Enterprise but it was long and more squared. 

“You like it?” Raoul asked him, following his gaze. 

“As long as it can fly…” 

“They’re just flying lethal trap to you, right?” 

Leonard looked away without saying anything. 

“Another reason I was surprised about you working on the Enterprise. You won your fear of flying, that’s good.” 

It wasn’t an actual _fear_ Leonard had, but he wasn’t in the mood to argue. “Didn’t you say you were going to tell me more about the woman?” 

Raoul nodded, “Well… I’ve known her years ago, then we went separate ways. Some days ago I was told she got sick, so I’m trying to help her.” 

“If you’re a friend, why she doesn't want to see you?” 

“She doesn't want to see anyone.” He pointed out and, “She’s stubborn… even when all I’m trying to do is help her. Anyway, that’s where we’re going.” 

Leonard followed his hand pointing at the trees at the bottom of the cliff, on the other side: a big, large forest spreading for some kilometers left and right. “Into the woods?” 

“Right deep into the woods.” Raoul nodded dramatically, then turned to Alex, “You wait here. Come on, Doctor McCoy, time to show me what you got.” He added, proceeding to descend.

“Give me a gun and I’ll show you something for sure...” He murmured, ignoring Alex’s cold glare while following the man. 

They both stopped in front of the first line of trees, staring through them, then Raoul said, “See that big rock over there? Reach it and proceed slightly on the left for some meters, you should found the entrance of a cave. That’s the only way to her place.” 

“You’re not coming?” 

“I told you, she doesn't want to see anyone.” 

“Then why she should want to see _me_? Seriously, just because I’m in the Starfleet?” 

“She was part of it too in the past. For a little while.” Raoul said and saw him staring back in attention, “I guess it’s still her weak spot. Might be better if you don’t talk about me and the others, though.”

“And you’re not worried that I could run away?” 

“Well, the only way to leave the planet is my ship. You could hide here somewhere, but we both know that I would find you, so…” he shrugged, “You can just do what I ask, or we can play hide and seek and let her die. The choice is yours.” 

Leonard took a deep breath, “You know, there was another reason why I left your crew.” 

“Really? Why?” 

“Because you’re an asshole.” That said, he walked into the forest. 

Raoul smiled following him with his eyes, “And you love it.” He singsonged behind him. 

“Sure… like a kick in the balls.” Leonard growled to himself, carefully reaching the big rock. He stopped in front of it before try to follow Raoul’s indication. There was less wind under the trees, and he was starting to sweat just when a wall of gray stone appeared in front of his nose: it was high enough to surpass the trees, and looking better, he noticed a crack big enough for him to squeeze through. “She better be still alive...” He sighed and took the backpack in one hand, slowly moving inside, the rocks slightly scratching his back and torso. 

When he was starting to fear that the tunnel had no end, the way became larger and he was finally out. After a moment to regain his breath, he blinked at the light reflecting on the waterfall inside the cave; there was a hole in the ceiling, the only point from where the light was coming, with plants all over it, probably difficult to spot from the outside despite the size. The cave itself wasn’t too deep: just doing some step forward, he could easily see the little lake where the water was crashing; on the right, instead, there was what looked like a thin road disappearing above, through the rocks, after a sudden turn.

Leonard put the backpack on and started to climb, sending quick glares at the lake where a big, large tree was growing. Trying not to slip over the wet stones, at the end of the _road_ he found another little wall that he carefully managed to surpass, sliding on the other side and landing on his butt, gasping and raising his hands at the shotgun he suddenly found pointed at his face. 

“Who the hell are you?” The woman said, moving the weapon closer against him: she was dressed with old, ruined parts of different clothes, her long, white hair all messy around her face that, despite the hair color, was incredibly young, maybe twenty-five years old. 

“I- I’m not an enemy,” Leonard said while sending a look behind her… was that a little shuttle? It looked old… and as if it crashed there years before. 

“Be more specific.” She hissed, stepping closer. 

“Doctor- I’m a doctor. McCoy- from Starfleet.” He added quickly, frowning at the bright purple of her eyes.

She stared at him for another moment, hair slowly falling over her skinny shoulders. “Starfleet?” 

“Yes. My- my ship got some weird signal around here, so I- I decided to take a look.” _God, Jim was right, I’m terrible at lying._

The woman took a deep breath and slowly lowered the shotgun, “How ironic…” 

“W- what is?” 

“I’ve sent that signal for years and _now_ someone finally got it.” She sighed, shaking her head. 

“Sorry, I…” Leonard jumped when the shotgun was dropped the ground, but then moved fast enough to grab her when she suddenly fell as well: she was so pale and terribly light into his arms, _I guess I found the woman I was searching for_ , he thought already trying to make a diagnosis with his eyes. 

“You’re late, Doctor.”

“We’ll see about that.” He murmured and looked at the shuttle, “Come on. Let me take you in there.” He said helping her to move. 

The shuttle resulted to be a little house with a series of seats put together as a bed, some cups turned as glasses and lots of stuff Leonard had no idea of what it could be. Once helped her lay down on the _bed_ , he started to use something from the backpack, finding everything he needed for blood exam, pressure and other things that Raoul apparently actually knew that would’ve been useful. 

After making a list of what he could do, Leonard looked up, finding her staring. The purple was gone from her eyes, now colored of brown, “Sorry, I didn’t ask you if I can-“ 

“It’s fine…” she said, voice low and weak, “It’s just weird… I wasn’t expecting guests anymore.” 

Leonard couldn’t avoid feeling a sting of guilt. “Can you tell me what happened? Why you live here?” He asked, preparing to take a sample of her blood.

“People were chasing me... They hit my shuttle and I crashed in this cave.” 

“Since when?” 

She huffed a sarcastic laugh, slowly pointing a finger above their heads, “After three years, I stopped counting.” 

Leonard looked up: there were little scratches all over the metal ceiling, probably made with a knife or something… one for each day. He swallowed hard and looked down at her, “And no one got your signal?” 

“You think I would be still here if I could leave?” 

“Someone wasn’t searching for you? Your family? Friends?”

She shook her head, “I don’t have a family anymore… why others should’ve bothered to look at this forgotten piece of rock?” 

Leonard said nothing. Raoul told him that the woman didn’t want help by anyone, but it looked like she has searched for it. “Let me check you up so I can-“ he turned to her when she grabbed his arm. 

“I told you, it’s too late.” She said tiredly. 

“It’s not too late until I- what’s your name?” 

“Claire… Claire Steel.” 

“Well, Claire, it’s not too late until I say it. I don’t even know what your problem is. I still need to-“ 

She looked at the backup, grabbed a tricorder and handle it to him, “You only need to use this.” She said letting him go.

Leonard stared at her, then obeyed, passing the device over her body and froze when he checked at her chest: her heartbeat was almost impossible to spot, the organ itself was- dry and dark, like all the other organs. He looked at her with wide eyes. 

“You can say it now,” Claire commented with a light smile.

“What happened to you?” 

“I trusted the wrong people… simple as that.” She said, “It’s just matters of time before I’ll be gone.” 

“Someone did this to you?” 

Claire took a deep breath, but shook her head, “I did this to myself… but I didn’t know at the time…” she looked down and a tear rolled down her cheek. 

Leonard swallowed again, gently taking her hand. Raoul was right: there was nothing he could do for her, expect using Khan’ serum. She was in even worse conditions than Jim… but he promised. He promised not to use the serum again… 

“Doctor- what’s your name?” she asked. 

“Uh- Leonard. Leonard McCoy.” 

“Thanks for being here, Leonard. It’s nice to be able to see someone before the end… It sounds very dramatic put it like that…” 

He took a deep breath, “Let me do some test.” 

“It won’t change anything…” 

“I know, but I want to try.” 

Claire sighed but nodded in silence.

There must be a way to save her, and he prayed to be able to find it before it would be really too late. 

 

It took some hours to do all the possible tests in a cave and with the few equipment he could use, but there was no good news: Claire should be already dead by now, long time ago, from her general conditions. 

Leonard put away the tricorder and passed a hand over his eyes. 

“There’s no good news, I guess.” She said, still sat on the bed. 

“I’ve never seen anything like this before. You shouldn’t…well…” 

“I know. I shouldn’t be alive.” 

He looked sadly at her, “There’s nothing else you can tell me about what happened to you? Maybe I can...” he shrugged because nothing would be useful at the moment. 

Just to confirm that, Claire looked down, shaking her head in silence. 

Leonard tried to think, but he had no ideas, no options and no time… aside from that one solution he was forcing himself not to think about, and he never felt such a horrible doctor like in that moment. “Claire, I’m sorry…” 

“Don’t be. Having you here it’s already some kind of a miracle, after all.” 

“It’s not, really.” Leonard sat next to her, “I’m sorry no one find you sooner.” 

She smiled a bit, “It’s better this way, trust me.” She winced, closing her eyes for a moment, “Can I ask you a favor?” 

“Sure.” 

“Promise me you’ll leave the planet soon as you will be back on your ship. Don’t come here again, don’t send more people. I don’t- I don’t want this suffering to continue any further.” 

He stared into her dark eyes and just nodded, feeling a monster doing so. 

 

When he left the cave it was night, but he noticed a little light through the woods and he followed it until he stepped out the trees and a hand grabbed his arm. 

“About time.” Alex snorted, pushing him forward, “Come on. Raoul is waiting.” 

Leonard looked up the cliff, finding more lights on top. Walking slowly was useless, and in a bit, he was there in front of Raoul, while the others were down the other side of the cliff, close to the spaceship that was sending rays of light all around itself. 

“Welcome back.” Raoul said with a smile, “So, what the Doctor have to say?” 

“She crashed there,” Leonard said, “and she said that no one came to help her.” 

“No one that she likes, I told you.” 

“If you two were friends, why she didn’t accept your help?” 

“I wish I knew.” He shrugged. “Now, I understand you don’t like to admit a defeat, but… there’s hope?” Raoul asked and watched him look down in silence. “I see... well, it’s sad, but I was expecting it.” 

“I can’t give you the serum.” 

“Yes, you can.” 

“It was a risk using it even the first time-” 

“Didn’t I said that I don’t care?” Raoul asked, almost curiously. 

Leonard took a deep breath, “I can’t do it. Ask me anything else, but not this.” 

“You don’t have anything else that worth my time, Leonard.” Raoul explained slowly, voice colder now, “I only need the cure to save her, and you just have to give it to me.” 

He held his gaze and shook his head, “Sorry.” He said, knowing that it was the wrong thing to say, and the punch in the stomach he received just confirmed it. 

Raoul grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, not letting him bend down, “I don’t need your apologies. I don’t want them. I want the cure. You have it, so just tell me where it is and I’ll take care of the rest.” 

Coughing, a hand over his stomach, Leonard groaned. “Why, you can’t find it by yourself?” and another punch, in the face this time, sent him into the grass. 

“We’re trying, actually. You have a really nice apartment, by the way.” Raoul said, stretching his fingers, “Maybe I underestimated you. My bad.” 

Trying to sit, Leonard could only cough in response. 

“Leonard, come on. You know that I don’t want to do this… I don’t have _time_ for this.” Raoul continued, “I wish I could have some fun with you, I really do, but Claire is waiting and, as you noticed, she doesn't have much time left either.” 

“Why-“ Leonard tried to stand up, but just kneeling on the ground, “Why she’s so important?” 

The other crouched in front of him, a sly smile on his face, “Don’t tell me you’re jealous?” 

“Just curious… Looks like she prefers to die rather than accept your help.” Leonard didn’t dare to smile, but Raoul’s hand grasped his hair and pulled painfully hard anyway, tilting his head aside. 

“I know you like to play rough, but now it is **not** the time. Tell me where the cure is. I won’t ask nicely again.” 

“You still have a twisted concept of being _nice_.” He commented grabbing his arms, trying to free himself but it was in vain, and this time Raoul pulled hard enough to make him groan in pain before throw him on the ground again. Leonard was sure he left some of his hair in that hand. 

“Oh, you have no idea, McCoy.” Raoul said, “If Claire dies, you’ll see… and don’t get me wrong, I’ll enjoy every second of it, but I know a doctor should care about himself. You know, brain, hands, eyes… things you still need to do your job. If that won’t be enough, we’ll see if also your family is eager to play with me.” 

“Don’t you fucking dare-“ 

“I won’t, if you will give. Me. The cure.” Raoul hissed in anger. “Take him back on the ship. He’ll talk.” He said to Alex, turning to call the others. 

Leonard was trying to sit, a rush of rage running through his body at the idea of his daughter put into that mess- and meeting Raoul? That was not going to happen. Not in a million years. 

Alex was going to pull him on his feet but a kick throw him back away, and when he looked up again, the doctor was running down the hill. “Damn- I’m gonna kill him!” He snarled, jumping back on his feet.

“No need…” Raoul sighed and then yelled at the fugitive, “Leonard, I warned you! You want to play? Fine! You asked for it!” 

Leonard didn’t stopped nor slowed down, ignoring the pain and the screams behind him. He needed time to make up a plan, and at the moment he knew only one place where to hide. 

 

“Don’t train in combat Leonard, don’t- don’t care about fighting, you’re- you’re just a damn doctor after all…” He kept telling to himself, squeezing through the passage into the stone wall one more time, “Why I should care to protect myself? Why listen to Jim and took- at least one lesson? God, I hate my life…” once on the other side, he almost fell down, groaning at the pain coming from his stomach at the movement. 

The cave was silent aside from the waterfall, and he couldn’t hear anything from outside the crack. 

“Why I accepted to meet him in the first place? I could just say _no, stay the hell away from me_ and call for the army to kill that psycho but no, I had to keep a damn, stupid promise...” He kept ranting walking up to where Claire’s shuttle was- because he had nowhere to go but a cave with only one exit where a woman was dying. Wasn’t he the luckiest man? 

Once over the little wall, he fell sat down once again, trying to regain his breath, noticing Claire on the entrance of the shuttle, a hand on it to support herself. “Sorry I came back without invitation… again.” He sighed. 

“Why you’re back? I told you to-“ 

“I know… I know, but-“ he tried to stand, just to fall down with a hiss of pain. Raoul wasn’t a gentle type when he get angry. 

“You’re hurt?” Claire moved closer to him, keeping a hand on the rocks all the way it took her to reach him. She looked even more fragile than before. 

“I’m fine… don’t push yourself. You have to rest…” 

“I’ll have plenty of time to rest soon enough,” she commented. “What happened? Someone attacked you?” 

Leonard was on his feet now but never felt so small. “Claire, I… I wasn’t completely honest with you...”

She kept staring at him, not with more attention. “You’re not from Starfleet?” 

“I am, that’s true, but- but I didn’t come here because I accidentally tracked your signal. A friend of yours brought me here saying that you needed a doctor… he didn’t inform me about your conditions-“ 

She frowned, “A friend?”, then her eyes widened. She raised her hands and placed them on the side of the doctor’s head. 

Leonard blinked at then saw that purple shining into her eyes just before his head started to hurt terribly: he grabbed her arms but they were impossible to move. Shutting his eyes closed, he slowly kneeled in front of her while all he could see was blinding white for what seemed an eternity. 

When she let him go, he fell back against the rock, vision slowly, very slowly turning back to normal. Looking up, he saw anger on her face, the purple shining even more. 

“You lied to me…” she said angrily, but there was also sadness on her face, “Raoul brought you here...” 

“I had no choice- look, I’m sorry.” He said blinking, trying to get his sight back.

“The debt, right? He and his stupid promises...” She whispered, ignoring the surprised expression of the doctor when, hearing a deep sound from above, she looked up.

“How you know about that?” Leonard asked, flinching back when those purple eyes moved down on him. 

“I was part of his crew.” Claire said coldly, “He did this to me. _He_ made me crash and trapped me on this planet.” She took a deep breath, looking at the hole in the ceiling and raising a hand against it: the whole cave immediately started to tremble, the waterfall sending waves all over the walls. 

Leonard stood up and looked down in disbelief: the tree he saw in the little lake was growing faster, higher and higher until it reached the hole, closing it in loud cracks and rumble of stones. When it stopped, the water was falling through the branches and there was almost no light at all inside the cave. He looked back at the woman, her purple eyes shining in the dark. 

Claire was breathing hard, but then slowly calmed down, looking at him, “I’m sorry Leonard… I'm afraid we're going to die in here together.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think my cat is having some Fight Club thing in the night, with the cats gangs around here...  
> Anyway, Jim is still alive! I really haven't written much about him and the crew mostly because this story has become more Leonard-centric than I thought... high chances its gonna be a McKirk slow-burn, though. Always _If_ I'll be able to put this two together in another chapter, at least...

Jim tried to convince himself that the last call he had with Bones didn’t worry him, but in the end, he spent the rest of that day with a bad feeling creeping on him. Slightly drunk because of some drinks already, he decided to think of something else… so he sat in the bar, hoping to see his friend coming through the door, but ended up listening to Scotty’s nervous blabbing instead. The engineer needed to explain that what happened to the ship _obviously_ wasn’t his fault because _he_ knew how to do his job, because _he_ cared about _his_ ship and all that jazz… 

Jim listened, ignoring Spock’s messages, multiple reminders about the mission waiting for them once the Enterprise would be back in space. Sadly, he knew that that was something he couldn’t ignore forever, so he slowly managed to put himself back on the role of Captain _that he was_ , pushing the worry about Bones into a corner, keeping it there until they would’ve talk face-to-face. Because they were going to have a very long talk, that was for sure. 

The day after, he talked with half of the crew, making sure that everything was in order, hoping to depart as scheduled and not look a complete failure as a Captain of the Starfleet. 

Once the duties got his full attention, he quickly got lost into work, and the only moment he was able to stop again and took a breath was when he sat on the chair on the Enterprise slowly leaving Earth’s orbit. 

Jim sighed and clicked the button of the display next to him, “Bridge to Medical Bay. Doctor McCoy, everything alright there?” 

There was a moment of silence before Chapel answered, “I’m sorry Captain. Dr. McCoy is not here.” 

“Don’t tell me he needed a break already?” 

“No, Sir. I was informed that he asked for some day off due to personal reasons. I’m taking his place momentarily.”

He tried to say something but then closed his mouth and looked at Uhura that was also frowning, shaking her head: she knew nothing about this as well, and his automatic thought was: _something’s not right_. “Ok...” He said in the end. “Mr. Sulu, prepare to warp. Let me know when we’re ready.” He added, mostly because half of the bridge was looking at him, then stood and left with his frown still in place. 

After a moment, Chapel found the Captain entering the med bay, “Captain.” 

Jim looked around, then at her, “He’s really not here?” 

“Why I should lie about it?” she asked, a bit offended. 

“Sorry, I mean- Dr. McCoy is not on board?” 

“From what I know, he’s not. I haven’t seen him since we landed a few days ago.” She said and the Captain just looked more and more confused.

Meanwhile, in the corridors of the ship, Spock was directed to the bridge when the ship slightly jumped back to a halt. He spread his arms a bit to keep his balance, frowning. 

“Mr. Spock, meet me in the med bay.” Came the Captain’s voice from the speakers, and the Vulcan’s frown deepened. 

When he was close to his destination, he found Jim checking for something on the console close to the Med Bay section. “Captain, what happened?” 

“Did you knew that we left our Doctor behind, on Earth?” 

“Yes. Dr. McCoy demanded some time off duty, due to personal-” 

“I know that but why he didn’t warn me?” 

“Actually, he warned _me_ with a message.”

Jim stopped and turned around, “And you haven’t thought that maybe I should’ve been informed as well?” 

“As First Officer, I was able to take care of it. Despite the little time, we should get a substitute during our next stop-“ 

“We’re talking about Bones, Spock. Since when he quit his job like this? Without saying anything to anyone?” 

“I thought that was justified by the _personal reasons_ option in his request.” 

Jim stared at him unimpressed, fighting the need to shake him and put some humanity in that alien brain of his. 

“Also, there was no reason to reject it. Doctor McCoy rarely asked for any kind of permission before.” Spock continued, “ I’m confident our medical team is perfectly capable to take care of our needs. A substitute will be available when we’ll reach-” 

“I don’t want- we don’t need another doctor. I want to know what happened to my doctor- to our doctor. What happened to Doctor McCoy.” 

“Yes, it seems to be a very important matter to you.” He said and Scotty’s angry voice, screaming from the console, stopped what the Captain was going to say.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY SHIP? We were ready to warp and you pull the brake? Are you trying to kill us??” 

Jim sighed, pressing a button to answer, “It’s fine, Scotty. We’ll be ready in a sec.” And closed the call, looking back at the Vulcan, “When did you get the message?” 

“The same day we landed on Earth.” 

“I called him that day and he didn’t mention anything about taking a break. He just said that he needed to see a friend.” 

“Maybe he decided to stay with this friend a bit longer.” 

Jim was going to say something, then stopped, unsure, “What you mean?” 

“Just what I said. What do _you_ think I meant?” 

Jim blinked, looking nervously at him before shaking himself and say, “He would’ve warned me. I know him, Spock, Bones wouldn’t quit on us like this.” 

Spock seemed to ponder his words, then said, “Turning back now would be awkwardly misunderstood, and I don’t see any valid reason that should let us think that Leonard is somehow in danger.” 

Jim sighed, but with Spock calling Bones my name, he knew that the Vulcan was seriously considering any possibility, and also his Captain’s worries. “I know… it’s just a feeling. A bad feeling. Damn it, why you didn’t warn me about this?” he snorted checking something else on the console. 

“If you’d read my reports, you would’ve seen that I personally evaluated and accepted Doctor McCoy’s request. You were welcomed to differ in order to get more information about-” 

“FINE, fine, I get it. My fault. As always.” Jim interrupted him when he was done with the console. He stared at it for a moment, then asked to him, “I’ll try to call him… Can we track him down?” 

“That would be unethical.” 

“Can we?” 

Spock blinked, but nodded, “I could track the position from where he sent the message.” 

“Then do it. I’ll apologize to him when we get him back on board.” He said, walking away to his quarter. 

“We wait until we’ll get some information before proceeding to our destination?” 

Jim looked at him, but if Spock was trying to be ironic, he didn’t show it. “No... We’ll continue with our task. Maybe you’re right and I’m just overreacting...” 

“Jim.” 

He stopped and turned around again. 

“Leonard is perfectly able to take care of himself. I’m sure he is fine.” Spock said, more earnestly than usual. 

“Yeah… looks like he infected me with his paranoia.” He nodded and walked away.

Back into his room, Jim grabbed his phone: no calls. He placed it into the little console on the table and started the call, every ring sounding like a slow heartbeat… until he didn’t get an answer at all.

“Damn it, Bones.” Jim closed the call, staring at the device for a second before calling once more and when he got ignored again, he left a voice message: “Bones, where the hell are you? Because you’re not on board and no one thought to inform me about it since now…” he sighed, “Let us know what happened, alright? Don’t make me worry for nothing.” And closed the call. 

He stared at the phone a bit longer, able only to hope that his friend was just keeping himself busy getting drunk with some old friend.

.-.-.-.-.-.-. 

“-ctor? Leonard?”

Opening his eyes, for a moment Leonard saw nothing, then his sight slowly started working again, the panic subsided, and he recognized the cave in the thick darkness, and Claire Steen looking down at him. 

She sighed in relief, sitting next to him, “How are you feeling?” 

“Up for a drink… something strong. Very strong.” 

“Sorry… best I can give you is water.” 

Leonard sat up with a groan, looking around and hissing at the pain from his abdomen. He then looked up and stared at the tree that was covering the hole in the ceiling. “So it wasn’t my imagination… Are you alright? What happened?” 

Claire nodded, “You lost conscious. It happens when people are too close to me when I… well…” 

“Your eyes… they were purple again.” Leonard said, but watching them now, they were brown, “You- you have some kind of- power? Energy? Don’t make me say magic because I swear, I’m not gonna say it.” 

She sighed, “You can call it energy… lots of people defined it as a weapon.” 

“I can imagine why.” He murmured looking at the gigantic tree. When he looked at her, she was staring down, “Sorry. I mean- I can see it’s a very powerful… thing.” 

“It is. That’s why I’m here.” 

Leonard stared at her, then blinked, asking, “Hold on, did you said that you were part of Raoul’s crew? That he made you crash here?” 

She nodded slowly, “I was trying to escape from them.” 

“Because he did this to you? He gave you this power?” Leonard couldn’t hide his surprise. 

“He kind of did… but I told you, I’m to blame as well.” 

“Ok…” he said thoughtfully, then sat better, “and you also said that we’re both going to die here, so I wouldn’t mind knowing at least the reason of my own death.” 

Claire looked at him and smiled a bit, “You’re right. I own you that much…” she tried to stand, but managed just to fall down again. 

“Here, let me help.” Leonard stood up and slowly they moved to the shuttle once again, where he gently let her sit down on the bed. 

Claire took a deep breath, watching him checking for her pulse, “You should care about yourself, Doctor.” She said, looking at the bruise on his cheek. 

“It’s nothing.” 

“Raoul doesn’t like a no as an answer, isn’t it?” 

“He better get used to it.” Leonard murmured, slowly placing her arm down, “That’s why he did this to you? Because even if he’s an asshole, from what I remember he doesn’t like to kill his own crew members.” 

“Looks like I’m an exception, then…” Claire sighed, “He always said that I was different from the others. I kind of was, after all. I’m part of a different species... I look like a human being, but I’m different. He knew that when he took me in his crew.” 

“Want to tell me when that unlucky moment happened?” Leonard said calmly, sitting next to her. 

“When I joined the Starfleet. Ironic, isn’t it?” she huffed a sad laugh, “After a week in the Academy, I got the new that a war took place on my planet and that my people were wiped away in the conflict. I came back home just to see with my own eyes that nothing was left.” 

“No one survived?” 

“Not from what I know. I was one of the few that actually managed to leave home. Our special abilities were kept hidden for centuries… we didn’t wanted anyone to use us.” 

“Think you can share the secret with your doctor?” 

Claire smiled a bit, “It’s in our blood. It allows us to keep control of multiple types of energy and powers that would normally kill humans like you.” 

“Well, this is new.” 

“It should’ve stayed a secret…” She shook her head, “It’s all my fault. I didn’t know what to do... then Raoul came to me, asking me to join his crew. He said he could keep me safe… I thought that I could trust him. I was so stupid.” 

“You’re not the only one that made that mistake.”

“But I should’ve known better. I should’ve go back to Starfleet, stay there, complete my studies, not- not join the first crew of mercenaries that found me. I knew it was a risk, but… but I just didn’t care at the time. I just wanted to leave everything behind.” 

Leonard could see and hear anger, regret, guilt in her voice, and he felt a shiver running over his spine: he could’ve been in her place. Not exactly in the same way, but he was close to stay with Raoul and accept him and his crew as his family in the past, so very close… he always considered himself lucky for getting the chance to leave. Apparently, Claire didn’t have that. 

“You know how good Raoul is at hiding his true intentions. He kept me with him for some years, until I was considering them as a family, and then he told me about an old treasure he was searching for a long time… and how I could help him to finally obtain it. He always knew about my blood.” Claire sat better, a hand over her arm, “I accepted to help him, we found the treasure… and I found myself with this power inside me, ready to explode at any second.” 

“ _That_ was the treasure?” 

“You have seen not even half of its true potential, Doctor.” She said, her eyes shining purple again, “Raoul never told me how much dangerous this energy was… he just wanted to turn me into his personal weapon.” 

Leonard’s heart dropped at that. 

“And when I refused to do what he wanted, he said that now that the power was free, more people would have searched for it. Like Starfleet- he said they would’ve used me as well, or even worse, locking me in a lab to test my blood and my powers… basically what he was probably planning to do with me.” Claire took a deep breath, “I tried to escape with a shuttle but he shot me down and I crashed here. They came to take me back, but at least I could defend myself with these powers… so they just left me here, slowly losing my energy, and waiting for the right moment. Probably Raoul left someone to keep an eye on me…” 

“That’s why-“ He shook his head, angry and sad, “The communications. Maybe they-” 

“They probably blocked them, I know…” she said sadly, “but I had to try.” 

Leonard wished to say that Raoul wouldn’t be able to do all the madness she has said, but he knew too well how much the man could become obsessed with something he wanted. What he did was the proof, after all: calling his old friend, an official member of Starfleet nonetheless, to collect a promise of help; kidnapping and throwing him on a planet where a woman _needed help_ without giving more than bland information… 

_Raoul has gone too far_ , he thought coldly, looking down, then took a deep breath and said, “I had no idea of any of this. He didn’t tell me anything.” 

She sighed, “I believe you. He’s too smart… he wouldn’t risk telling you the truth.” 

“I would’ve call an army and get him arrested if I knew what all this was about.” He snorted, “He’s going insane… and no one out there is trying to stop him.” 

“Maybe they will. You’re a Starfleet Doctor, I’m sure someone will search for you.” 

“Not sure about that…” he sighed and saw her frown, “Let’s say that my past with Raoul and his gang isn’t what you normally would put on your resume.” 

“They… your Captain doesn't know about it?” 

“God, no. He wouldn’t let me live with it.” 

Claire stared intently at him for a moment, “You think they will judge you because of your actions?” she asked, and saw him look away, “Leonard, what you did before- what we both did in the past it can’t be erased, but we can try to forgive ourselves doing the right thing now… And we are, already. I mean, you’re a doctor- you save lives, and I... I’ve keep this terrible power away from a madman.” 

“You think it will be enough?” 

“I think it’s better than nothing.” She smiled a bit. 

Leonard took a deep breath and tried to smile back, “Claire, what you’ve done until now, fighting Raoul for all this time… I think I can officially declare you as a Starfleet’s member.” 

Her smile became more genuine, “You think I could ask to work on a ship?” 

“You can even ask to become Captain.” He nodded and felt a pang of sadness thinking about _his_ Captain. “Even better, you know what?” he searched his pockets until he found what he needed into the tiny, hidden pocket inside his jacket: he showed a little pin of the Starfleet. “This- this shows how dumb Raoul is about checking his prisoners, but also…” he moved to placed it on her shirt, “it makes you part of the U.S.S. Enterprise’s crew with immediate effect.” 

She looked down at it, then at him, “You can do that?” 

“Huh- no, but I know the Captain. He would’ve done the same.” 

“He’s a good Captain?”

“Not at all. He needs my help all the time, he keeps putting us all in danger in every single mission, never listening to me…” he sighed, “but I would die for him.” 

“He seems to be a funny person…” she laughed a bit, but then the smile slowly faded and tears rolled down her face when she looked down, her fingers brushing over the pin.

Leonard swallowed down his own need to cry and moved closer to hug her. 

“I’m sorry...” Claire said with a weak voice.

“Don’t you dare apologize, alright?” he said, squeezing a bit more her shoulder before let her go, “That’s the last thing you have to do. You did nothing wrong.”

She sniffed, brushing the tears away, looking at the bruise on his face, “Why Raoul hurt you? You haven’t paid your debt already, coming here?” 

“No. He asked me to-“ he stopped, looking intently at her, “I was supposed to help you survive.” 

Claire blinked in surprise, then looked away, “Typical of Raoul.” She murmured, then frowned a bit. “Why he was so sure that you could save me…?” She asked.

Leonard took another deep breath, “Because he knows that I’ve already saved someone when it was too late. I saved a life using- creating something that maybe I shouldn’t have. Raoul asked me to use it on you, but… Claire, I swear, that serum is dangerous to use. Few people know about it, and even for their own good, I promised not to use it again. I almost changed my mind when I saw you- and now, after everything you told me now, maybe I probably would accept to use it, but even if I tell Raoul where the serum is…” 

“It would be too late.” She finished for him. After a moment of silence, she added, “I appreciate what you did for me, but don’t be too hard on yourself. You don’t even know if your serum would work. I already knew what would’ve happened to me. This energy consumes me since I got it… every time I use it, the process accelerates.” 

“You mean you have all this power but you shouldn’t do anything with it?” 

Claire looked at her own pale, slim hands, “I told you humans aren’t able to handle it, but even my blood is not enough to contain it… it took so long to control it…” 

“Well, you did what you could, and you did great.” 

“It won’t be that great if I’ll kill you now that I'm so close to destroying it. This power will die with me, but I don’t know what will happen around me…” she looked sadly at him, “I had to block any access in here. I can’t risk having Raoul storming in here now that I can’t defend myself. I’m sorry, Leonard.” 

“It’s fine… I have my faults as well. I’m a doctor, I shouldn’t let my patients die like this.” 

“You have done so much more than that.” She said returning his smile, then looked curiously at him, “Can I ask you who was the person you saved with that serum?”

“My stupid Captain, obviously.” He snorted with a little grin on his face.

Claire thought for a moment, “He’ll never forgive me for doing this to you…” 

“Raoul is the only one to blame- and he will pay. I don’t know how or when, but I assure you, he will pay. For everything.” 

Claire stared at him in silence, that voice so gentle with her, was able to turn into a cold growl in an instant. “I hope so…” she whispered, then closed her eyes. Opening them again, they were purple one more time and slowly moved on the doctor, “Stay here. I’ll try to do what I can to keep you safe.” 

Before Leonard could say something, her whole body started to shine until she disappeared. He looked around and found her outside the shuttle, on top of the little wall closing the area, “Claire-” 

She turned around, shining over the darkness, and smiled at him before jump down. 

Leonard ran on the same spot but found a strange, invisible barrier blocking him. Looking down, he spotted the woman below, close to the lake, standing on the rocks that the gigantic tree, growing, had pushed up from the ground. “Damn it…” he hissed looking around and then at the shuttle… at the console. 

_They need to know…someone, anyone_. Leonard ran back inside, moving over the controls that were already flickering while the cave started to tremble; he managed to set the signal, but with a message this time: he sent it in any possible direction outside the planet. Raoul was probably still blocking the communications, or maybe not: maybe he didn’t care about it anymore, maybe the planet itself would help send the message away… maybe once he and Claire were dead, someone would be able to receive it. 

A second after he clicked to send it, half of the console shut down. “Nothing to lose,” Leonard murmured to himself, staring sadly at the old panel. He ran outside again, looking down where Claire was becoming a little star in the darkness, illuminating all the lake with her white light slowly becoming stronger and stronger. 

With a deep breath, Leonard closed his eyes and thumped his forehead on the cold, humid stone, alone with his thoughts before the entire cave trembled like during an earthquake and a loud, strong thunder flashed white in front of his eyes closed. He stayed there, hearing a scream that broke his heart while waiting for the end.


	5. Chapter 5

“Jim?” 

The Captain of the Enterprise blinked and looked up at his Lieutenant that was staring at him in concern, “Yeah? I mean- yes?” 

“Jim, you should rest.” Uhura said, a hand on top of the chair, handing him a steaming cup, “You haven’t left the bridge since we departed.”

“Thanks, but I need to stay here.” He said, accepting the coffee with a little smile, “I’m not in the mood to sleep, anyway.” He added, taking a sip. 

Uhura nodded, looking at the rest of the crew: their journey had been relatively calm, so some of them took the chance to go eat or drink something or just move a bit from their chair. They didn’t warp away like they should, but there was no rush, there was no time scheduled to respect, and the Captain was clearly holding the horses because of other reasons. Not that anyone said something about it: most of the crew knew that he was worried about Doctor McCoy and his sudden flee. “You think something happened to him?” she asked softly. 

“I hope not.” Jim said, looking at the space outside the ship, “It’s just weird. Bones would’ve warned me. He should have told me something, and he didn’t.” 

“Maybe it really was something personal.” 

_There’s no personal between us_ , Jim thought. “He would have told me.” He insisted. 

Uhura nodded slowly. 

Jim emptied the cup, stared inside of it for a moment and then stood, “I’ll go take another one.” He said and left while she watched him in silence, still with a worried expression on her face. 

Four days, almost five, without having any new from Leonard. 

Jim was still on the edge, but Spock’s calm helped him keep his cool. _I’m sure he just like to be a drama queen and disappear to make me worry… he better be ready for the consequences because I swear, Bones, next time I see you, I’m gonna make you pay for this… but it’s fine. Everything is…_ , Jim thoughts stopped when he saw Spock coming towards him in the corridor and, looking up at the Captain, his dark expression cracked all Jim’s hopes. “Please, Spock, don’t tell me you found something’s off in your research.” 

Spock looked conflicted, then said, “I won’t. But something is strange.” and saw the other took a deep breath, bracing himself, “I tried to track down the signal from the message, but it leads nowhere. Not on Earth, not anywhere.” 

“Well, that’s- that’s strange,” Jim confirmed, “How much strange for your standard?” 

“Still not enough to proclaim a missing person.” 

“Are you just waiting for us to reach the point of no return?” 

Spock looked confused, but Uhura’s voice calling for them stopped his answer. 

“Captain on the bridge. We got a call from another Starfleet ship.” 

The two men frowned and quickly ran back. 

“A call from who?” Jim asked once he was next to Uhura’s chair. 

“Captain Kennell from the USS Firefly. He said they were going back to Earth and got something apparently destined to us.” 

“Something for us?” Jim and Spock asked. 

“For the Enterprise, yes.” She nodded. 

Jim stared at her for a second, then said “Let’s hear what he have to say.” and moved next to the chair, watching the hologram screen appearing in front of them, showing a man with messy gray hair and the unmistakable yellow shirt of the Starfleet, “Captain Kennell?” 

“In person. Pleasure to know you, Captain Kirk.” The man said. He was around fifty years old, his voice firm but not cold like many other Captains Jim listened to.

“The pleasure is mine. I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting a call. My Lieutenant told me you got something for us?” 

“Indeed. We-“ Kennell moved a bit away from the screen for a moment, “We got a message that I think it was directed to you. We actually got it my mistake, but I thought it was better to take a look.” 

“They’re sending the message to us,” Sulu warned them. 

Jim nodded at him, looking back at the other Captain, “Take a look…?” 

“It looks like an SOS.” Kennell explained, “It came from a little planet not too far from us, but the signal seems to be gone now. I’m not sure about what to do, so I’d like to know what you think about it.”

“We’re checking the message right now…” Jim nodded, looking at Spock that was looking on his pad, and when a Vulcan frown more than he already does, that’s always a bad sign. “What it say?” 

Spock took a breath and handed him the pad to read.

As he grabbed it, Jim felt his heart drop to his feet: _Bones to USS ENTERPRISE, follow coordinates_. 

Uhura was next to Spock, as the rest of the crew were all looking at their Captain. 

“It’s something bad?” Kennell asked, unsure, “If you want, we can go down there and take a look-” 

“Please, do.” Jim said quickly, looking back at him, “One of my crew could be there. He- he was missing for some days.” 

Kennell looked surprised, and then confused, “He was missing? I haven’t got any information about it…” 

“It’s a long story. I’ll explain when we’ll get there but, please, can you check if he’s on the planet?” 

“Sure… we’re almost there. You think he could be in some kind of trouble?” 

When Jim didn’t managed to answer, Spock stepped forward, “He could be. If you could provide assistance, it would be really appreciate it.” 

Kennell nodded, “We’ll land soon as we’ll be there.” 

“Thanks. Keep us updated. We’ll be there soon as we can.” Jim forced the words out and Kendell firm nod was the last thing he saw before the hologram disappeared. He took a deep breath, shaking his head. 

“Captain…” 

“I knew it,” he murmured, interrupting the Vulcan, “I knew something was off. Damn it Bones and his secrets…” 

“We change our destination, sir?” Sulu asked. 

Jim nodded, “Follow the coordinates on the message. Take us there faster as we can.” 

“How Leonard managed to get there? And why?” Uhura asked.

“I’m sure he had his reasons,” Spock said, still pondering about the situation. 

“Well, we’ll get him back. He wandered around more than enough.” Jim said nervously, staring again at the message, _Bones, what the hell are you doing?_

 

With Jim’s hope that Bones was, after all, safe and sound on Earth gone, the bad feeling was back at full force, sending waves of tension into his body that made him tap his fingers on the chair non-stop. 

There was still too much unknown, though. Bones could actually be there just waiting for them, ready to explain himself and only God knew if Jim would’ve had the power to control himself from punching the doctor to death this time. 

That was what the Captain was trying to convince himself, that his friend was there, with Kendell by now- with people taking care of him if he needed it… Because Jim couldn’t be with him yet; _because_ Leonard McCoy was so damn smart that he didn’t even think he might need to warn someone about whatever stupid thing he was going to do. 

All he said to his friend, _and_ Captain, was that he had to meet someone he didn’t wanted to see, that he was kind of forced to. And, sure, why something like that should make someone worry? It was a perfectly normal situation, right? 

Jim took a deep breath trying not to punch the chair, “How long before reaching our destination, Mr. Sulu?” he asked trying to calm himself, and stop the thoughts of revenge over the doctor.

“We’re almost there, sir.” 

“This planet really doesn’t have a name?” 

“Not officially. On the map is called just as JVP-324.” 

Jim nodded and took another deep, long, calming breath. After seven minutes, a big Starfleet’s ship appeared next to the little planet in front of them: it was really a small place, but alive, from its bright colors. “Spock, with me. Time to go down there.” He said standing up and moving to the elevator with his First Officer. 

They quickly got their weapons and jackets before entering the transportation room and stood on the circular platforms. 

“Kirk to bridge, anything from Kennell?” Jim asked fixing the com into his ear. 

“They are waiting for you on the planet, sir,” Chekov informed him, his strong accent almost thumping into his ear. 

Jim nodded, ready to be sent away. He looked quickly at Spock just to look at him again, better, “Spock, tell me is not worry what I see on your face.” 

“It is more like fair concern, due to the situation.” 

“That’s not better, just saying.” 

He nodded slowly, “I have made no mistakes, and yet… I feel like I did.” 

“I know. It takes a while to get used to it…”

The Vulcan frowned, looking at him, “To what?” 

“Friendship, Mr. Spock.” Jim sighed out, smiling patiently at him while they left the Enterprise. 

They reappeared in a windy field, under a cloudy sky, not too far from a shuttle already landed there; three people in Starfleet’s uniform were moving to reach them. 

“Captain Kirk.” One of them nodded a salute, “Captain Kennell is waiting for you on top of that hill.” He said pointing a hand behind himself and all of them started walking. 

Kennell was staring ahead when he turned around and spotted them, “Kirk. Nice to meet you, despite the circumstances.” He said, descending to meet them.

“Same here, sir.” Jim squeezed his hand, “My First Officer, Mr. Spock.” He added and the Vulcan nodded a salute. “Did you find something?” 

Kennell slowly waved an arm to the hill, “You should see it by yourself.” 

Jim and Spock reached the top and froze there, staring at the valley where once probably was a forest, but now only a few trees were still standing, others destroyed on the ground, some still smoking from the fire, but all of them pointing outside the big, circular hole on the ground. They could spot people going down there, in what looked like a cave.

“A bomb?” Spock managed to talk first. 

Kennell nodded, “The ground zero seems to be underground, in that cave… or what’s left of it. My men just managed to reach the bottom.” 

“Isn’t it dangerous?” Jim asked, voice flat. 

“No, we checked the area and there are no radiations or gas- ah, Kirk, wait-” Kennell could only watch while the Captain quickly walked down the cliff followed by his First Officer. 

“How did he sent the message?” Jim asked without stopping, “From _where_ did he send it?” 

“There are many possibilities-” 

“Start working on a list then, because I want to know what happened here.” He murmured, slowing down when they reached the first line of trees. He looked nervously at the desolation of the place, making his way to the group of men not too far. 

When Kennell reached them, he sighed at the tense face of the young Captain but did not comment: all of them were looking at the hole in the ground that only a massive explosion could have created. Further down into the cave, there were the remains of a waterfall, with now just a thin line of water falling down into an empty, little lake where the large base of an old, gigantic tree was still standing… and there was something white close to it, some kind of sculpture.

“We checked the area already,” Kennell said with a slight sadness in his voice, “and we found no human sign here. You can ask your crew to check if you want, but-“ 

“They will. Spock.” 

The Vulcan nodded, moving a bit away to make his call. 

Kennell sighed again, “Kirk, I don’t know what happened here, or to your friend, but-“ 

“That’s what I want to find out.” He cut short, starting to descend into the cave that now looked more like a sleeping volcano. 

Jim stopped some meters below, staring at the remains of the place until he was standing over the lake and could see better the white rock that could really be a sculpture… it had a strange human shape.

The people inspecting it were moving extremely carefully, but after a slight touch, the statue crumbled to the ground in pieces, leaving nothing else but fragments and dust. 

Jim couldn’t stop to shiver at the sound. “You know what that was?” he asked. 

One of the men looked up, “No, sir. We’re checking right now.” He said while Kennell was descending to join them.

Jim nodded, looking up at the sky, “What kind of explosion could do such a thing?” 

“I would say one strong enough to destroy a spaceship,” Spock said looking around, “but it looks like it was- contained, somehow.” 

“Contained? This looks like _contained_ to you?” 

“It looks like it should’ve been much stronger.” 

“Great…good to know.” Jim sighed.

“Captain Kirk.” Kennell called from below. He was crouching over the mass of remains, next to the man that was examining them, then stood up and look at them, “I fear that this thing- this statue, it was actually someone.” 

“What?” the two asked. 

“Maybe someone got stuck down here, in the center of the explosion... we also found this.” 

Jim was still frowning when the Captain climbed to reach them and handed him something: a Starfleet pin, with the cross of the medical section. He slowly turned it into his fingers, cleaning it a bit, finding the incision on the back of it, that one word he insisted to put there when he gave that pin as a gift: _Bones_. 

“Captain?” Spock called slowly, noticing Jim’s body going stiff and tense when he looked back at the remains of the _person_. 

Jim couldn’t look away from them while his heartbeat was starting to accelerate; he couldn’t hear anything, he couldn’t feel anything anymore, just the slight warmth from the ruined pin in the palm of his hand… still warm from the fire, the same fire than turned Leonard into ashes…

A hand shook him hard enough to make him blink and look away. 

“It was a woman.” Spock said, his grasp solid and immobile, “They’re checking now. Most certainly it was a woman.” 

Jim stared at him for a moment, then started breathing again, slowly sitting down on a big stone close by, glad that the Vulcan helped him in the process. He looked again at the team that was passing some strange devices on the mass of remains, getting information, but he didn’t dare to move or say anything until they passed a pad to Kennell that then passed it to Spock. 

The Vulcan read everything and then looked at his Captain again, “Like I said, it was a woman. Claire Steel.” 

Jim took a deep breath, dropping his face into a hand, “Why Bones gave his pin to her?”

Spock was staring intently at the remains, “Hard to say…” 

“Bones is- your friend?” Kennell asked. 

“Doctor Leonard McCoy.” Spock nodded, “He asked some day off when he recently landed on Earth. We have heard nothing from him since then.” 

“And you’re sure that’s his pin?” 

“Yes. I’ve put his name on it, on the back. It was a gift.” Jim explained.

Kennell nodded, “So you guys have no idea of what he was doing here?” 

“I wish I know.” Jim said, standing up, “But I doubt he wanted to come here. I think someone took him away- maybe threatened him.” 

Kennell was staring at him with a serious face, “You think he was kidnapped?” 

Jim shared a look with Spock and then said, “We still don’t have actual proof that he got taken against his will… but I know him, Captain. If he wanted a break, he would’ve told me. He would never leave his crew all of a sudden.” 

Spock was still lost in his thoughts when he looked up, where few people of Kennell’s crew were climbing the wall on the right. “There’s something up there.” 

Jim followed his gaze, “Better check it out.” He said and all three of them moved to the other side. 

Behind the rest of a little wall, they found another area, not too big, and there were the burned remains of some sort of vehicle.

Jim slowly approached, staring at the metal turned black from the fire; the inside mostly melted, but it was probably some kind of console, “You think he sent the message from here?” 

Spock was right there next to him, inspecting the area, “It could be. This looks like a machine… maybe a shuttle.” 

“A shuttle?” 

Kennell nodded, “And I would say that it was pretty old.” 

“So Bones haven't used this to come here?” 

“I’m confident he used other ways to reach the planet,” Spock said.

“What other ways? There nothing else here.” Jim hissed walking away from the remains, “I’m missing something… and I know it’s something bad.” 

“Not necessarily,” Spock commented, following him.

“Why send that message if he wasn’t in danger?” 

“Maybe he wanted us to find something here.”

“You can’t keep me from trusting my bad feeling forever, Mr. Spock.” 

“We just arrived. We could find more than we think.” 

“The problem is, gentlemen, that there is nothing to search for,” Kennell said, both the other men looking at him, “We scanned this area, another squad is checking the rest of the planet, and we found nothing so far, aside from some animals. No civilization, no villages, nothing.” 

Jim thought for a moment, looking nervously at Spock.

“Maybe it could be nothing but…” Kennell continued, thoughtfully, “I’ve heard that name before… Claire Steel. I want to check in the database, maybe there’s something that might help us.” 

“Good idea. Thanks.” Jim nodded at the man that turned around to leave. “Spock, we need a rescue team,” he said to the First Officer, “I want to know what is happening and where Bones is. I’m done waiting.” 

Spock nodded in silence. 

 

“So you think Leonard is actually in danger?” Uhura asked. 

“At this point, I’m pretty sure, yeah,” Jim said, walking directly to the bridge of the Enterprise. 

“And he hasn't left anything there, on the planet?” 

“Even if he would, the explosion that had happened there have probably deleted any proof,” Spock said, right behind them. 

“But he sent that message-“ 

“Maybe just in time.” 

“Spock, please, shut up.” Jim snorted.

“Why sent us on an empty planet?” Uhura continued, “Just to show us the explosion? And the woman that died there?” 

“I don’t know. I never heard her name before, but Kennell did.” Jim said while all three left the elevator, entering the bridge, “He will send us any information he can get. In the meanwhile, we’ll do the same and search for anything useful.” 

“I already started a research but got no results so far,” Spock said. 

“Keep searching.” Jim sat down on the chair, millions of thoughts running through his mind. He then noticed Sulu, Chekov and the others there looking worriedly at him, “Gentlemen, Doctor McCoy is- he might be in a particular situation that could require our support. We’re still waiting for more information, and panic won't help anyone, so... let's keep doing our best to find him.” He said and all of them nodded, slowly turning back to work. He knew how much all the crew cared about their grumpy Doctor. If he needed help for once, they sure wouldn’t complain.

Jim turned to the hologram of the cave they have made, and noticed Spock staring intently at it, “What?” 

“Remember when I said that the explosion looked contained? I just noticed… it looks like the blast hit that side less violently than the rest of the cave, but we found nothing protecting that area.” 

Jim followed his gaze, and actually saw than the right side was less burned… the heat was strong enough to melt the console, but watching what happened in the rest of the cave, that space and the shuttle should’ve been wiped away completely. 

“Jim, what is going on?” Uhura murmured, standing next to Spock. 

_That I’m going insane, that’s what_ , the Captain thought. 

After a moment, Sulu looked down and said, “Captain Kennell is calling.” 

“On screen,” Jim said and when he saw the man again, it was clear that something was wrong. The young Captain wasn’t even surprised anymore. 

“Kirk, I searched for that name, and I think we’re into something big...” 

“Why, what did you found?” 

“Apparently nothing, but right after I put Claire's name into the archive, Admiral Janeway called me personally. She asked for a full report when I said that we found that body- well, what’s left of it. I had to say about you and Doctor McCoy as well, I’m sorry.” 

Jim took a deep breath, but nodded, “I don’t think we’re doing anything wrong, Captain.” 

“That’s what I said, but she wants to talk with you as well. She’s waiting for you at Starfleet HQ…” he sighed, “and she asked us to escort the Enterprise to destination.” 

Those words made all the people in the bridge look at the screen, someone frowning, someone worried. 

Jim kept his eyes on the screen for a long moment, then nodded again, “Understood. We’re ready to go.” 

“I’m very sorry, Kirk.” Kennell said, clear guilt on his face, 

“No need.” He forced out a quick, little smile before the call ended. He then closed his eyes, “Mr. Spock.” 

“Captain.” 

“Remember that _point of no return_ we talked about? I think we’re getting there.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6 was a curse this time, so I left it a mess and wrote chapter 7 that came out _also_ as a mess, so I was stuck in my writer's agony for a while before managing the editing...   
>  Funny thing is that, after reboot my brain, Chapter7 became the 6, and Chapter 6 will be the next one... well, at least it's already done... *faints on the floor*

“What about keeping the ship ready to go?” 

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.” 

“We can just pretend to do as they ask and then fly away.” 

“All the crew would be charged with insubordination.” 

“I’ll take full responsibility. It’s for a good cause.” 

“Admiral Janeway will probably judge your actions differently.” 

“I don’t care.” 

“You should.” 

Jim stood up from the seat and walked to the exit of the shuttle, watching the hangar of the Enterprise busy with people running here and there, preparing for the arrival on Earth. 

Spock was sitting behind him in silence, the shuttle was empty aside from the two of them. 

“We were finally getting closer to Bones, to understand what happened to him, and they suddenly want to interrogate me about a dead woman I’ve never met.” Jim said nervously, “They didn’t give us an explanation. Admiral Janeway treated us as traitors and we don’t even know why.” 

“I’m sure the Admiral have good reasons for not taking Doctor McCoy’s disappearing more seriously.” 

Jim took a deep, nervous breath: they actually have sent a message to the Admiral after Captain Kennell’s call, explaining to her that Doctor McCoy was presumably missing and that they had to form a rescue team, warn the HQ, but the Admiral’s answer was a cold order for the Enterprise to come back to Earth for further investigations. Reason? Classified information. For how long they were going to stay there? Information not confirmed. 

“We should be out there searching for him. We’re just wasting more time…” 

“Have you thought that maybe everything is connected?” Spock said, “Claire Steel and Leonard clearly were in the same place at some point… nonetheless, Admiral Janeway called for us just after Captain Kennell searched for Claire’s name, so she must be who the Admiral is interested about.” 

Jim snorted, “We sure choose the worst moment to get the Admiral _interest_ on us.” 

Spock nodded slowly, “I just can’t imagine what the connection could be. It feels like…” 

“Like we’re missing a piece of the puzzle.” Jim finished for him. 

“Sir,” Uhura appeared at the entrance of the shuttle, “We’re approaching Earth’s orbit.” 

Jim nodded at her and left the vehicle, leaving the two of them staring worryingly at their Captain.

 

Most of the Enterprise’s crew landed back on Earth without knowing exactly why. The general information was that Captain Kirk had to talk urgently with someone in Starfleet HQ… but for most of them, the request looked as an imperative order, seeing that the USS Firefly had to escort them to the destination too. 

Uhura managed to say a few word to Spock before he and Jim walked away, the Captain clearly not pleased about the entire situation.

Jim didn’t change either: for him, the safety of his crew came first, figures when if it was one of his friend’s safety at risk. He stayed in his yellow shirt and Spock in his blue one, sharing his worry- and his hope to be free to go soon as possible, of course.

Once in front of the HQ building, Jim heard his phone ring and he checked it: unknown number. He frowned before answer, “Hello?”, but he heard half of a word before the call died. He stared at the phone for a moment. 

“Captain,” Spock called from the entrance. 

Jim looked away from the device and followed him.

Entering inside, a guard stopped them saying, “Admiral Janeway asked to meet Captain James Kirk privately.” 

Spock frowned, “I’m his First Officer, I should-“ 

“Only Captain Kirk.” Was the cold answer. 

Jim sighed, “It’s ok-“ 

“It is not. My duty also includes to-“ 

“Spock.” Jim insisted, pushing both of them away from the man. “I need someone outside,” he murmured in a low voice, “If the Admiral doesn’t need you, _I_ need you to go check Bones’ apartment. If you find something important or- or if he’s there, you’re authorized to interrupt the meeting. That’s an order.” 

Spock didn’t looked convinced but nodded. “Captain,” he called before he was too far away, “It would be useful to obtain all the information we can, in order to eventually find and help Doctor McCoy.” 

_In other words, don’t fuck things up_ , Jim thought and smiled at him, “I’m counting on you, Mr. Spock.” He said with a nod before following the guard. 

Reaching the third floor, they stopped in front of the conference room. The guard opened it and let him in, closing the door behind him.

Jim found no one in the big, silent room, aside from himself and the woman laying against the table, her back on him. “Admiral Janeway.”

Nicole Janeway left the table and turned around: her face was blank, eyes so green to be almost scary, shining even more against her bronze skin and dark, short and perfect hair. “Captain Kirk.” She said, voice low and serious, “You took your time.” 

Jim tried to keep Spock’s words in mind like a mantra. “Your request for this meeting caught us off guard.” 

“If a meeting it’s enough to do that, God help us.” 

The answer Jim almost said aloud wasn’t very polite, but he saw no sign of irony on her face, nor in her voice, so he stayed quiet.

“It would be more accurate to say that you were busy into a not official mission, isn’t it?” She took a sheet from the table, “The USS Enterprise should’ve been close to Nay’la when I talked with Captain Kennell, and we both know you were not even remotely close to it.” She looked up at him, maybe waiting for an answer that didn’t come, so she continued, “May I ask you what kept you from respecting the program?” 

“As I said in the report I sent you, we were searching for a member of my crew that is missing.” 

“Since when?” 

Jim swallowed, “Almost a week.” 

“And why the report about Doctor McCoy disappearing wasn’t dispatched until now?” 

_Because sometimes respecting a friend’s privacy it’s a mistake_ , Jim thought. “Because there was nothing indicating that he was actually missing. He asked for a permit we landed on Earth last time-“ 

“To meet a friend, I know, and then he was gone.” She said and nodded at his surprised expression, “I already checked Doctor McCoy’s last calls and position.” 

Jim wasn’t sure if feeling happy that she cared about Leonard, or worried. “That’s what we did as well, but we weren’t able to track him down from his last message.” 

“His last message was his request for the authorization, correct?” 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

The Admiral stared at other pages, saying nothing. 

Jim waited and waited a bit more until the silence became unbearable. “Can I ask the real reason for this meeting? One of ours is missing, I was ready to make up a team to-“ 

“What do you know about Leonard McCoy, Captain Kirk?” 

He frowned, “I don’t-“ 

“General information.” She said, looking up at him, “He’s the CMO of your ship, after all. What you know about him?” 

Jim didn’t liked the direction the interrogation was taking- a damn interrogation he still didn’t knew the reason for. “I- I meet him when I started my training into Starfleet. We were in the Academy together for few years, then we both found ourselves on the Enterprise.” He saw her nodding, waiting, “He’s a good Doctor… Admiral, can I be honest with you?” 

Janeway’s eyes flashed for a second as if that was what she was waiting for, “Sure.” 

“I don’t understand the reason for this interrogation. I could’ve answered your questions from my ship, and I’m sure my First Officer already sent a detailed report about what we know on Doctor McCoy’s situation so far. We had finally found some clue when you called for us- when we were forced to come back here, escorted as if we were under arrest. Am I under arrest?” 

“No, you’re not.” 

“Then, please, with all due respect, give me an explanation, because I don’t see any reason why I should waste my time here.”

Janeway stared at him for a moment, then took a deep breath, “My apologies Captain, but I needed to be sure you were not involved.” 

“Involved in what?” 

“In Claire Steel’s homicide.” 

Jim blinked in confusion, “Why we should-?” he stopped, then asked, “You think McCoy is involved?” 

“He clearly is. Didn’t you found something that belonged to him on the homicide scene?” 

“His pin, yeah, but that doesn’t mean that he killed anyone!” 

“He’s the only one I know for sure was there when she died.” 

Jim was beyond disbelief, “No. No, he- I know him. I’ve never seen him hurt someone intentionally.” 

“That’s why I asked you what you know about him,” Janeway said slowly, “I see you know nothing about his past as well.” She moved a little folder in his direction, on the table. 

Jim stared at it, “What is it?” 

“Information I searched for after I was informed about Claire’s death.” 

“I have no idea of who she was… I wasn’t searching for her, why I should read it?” 

“Because that’s the part about Leonard McCoy.” 

Jim was starting to feel sick. “You mean they knew each other?” 

“I don’t know. What I know so far, is that they both worked for the same group of mercenaries.” She blinked in surprise at the laugh the Captain couldn’t contain. 

“Sorry, I’m sorry, but- did you said mercenaries?” Jim asked, still smiling a bit, “Are you really saying that he was a mercenary?” his smile slowly faded looking at her serious expression. “Leonard McCoy wasn’t a mercenary. I would know- he would’ve told me about it.” _Would he? Bones never talked much about his past- as if it started just from his marriage and divorce… but what about before that?_

“I understand is not something to be proud about,” Janeway said, “The Academy exists for reason: to check who is worth joining Starfleet despite their past, and I know McCoy deserves his place with us.” 

“How you know this story it’s true?” 

“I don’t… not officially. Not without talking with McCoy personally, but the files are pretty detailed.” 

Jim looked down at the folder, unable to take it. Instead, he looked at her, “What’s so special about Claire Steel? Because clearly there’s more you’re not telling me- something so important to put Leonard’s disappearing in second place and accusing him to be her murderer.” 

Admiral Janeway betrayed sadness for a moment, before look down, “I met her when she joined the Academy. She was an amazing student… her future would be brilliant in the Starfleet.” She sighed and took another page from another folder, handing it to him, “You see something strange in her file?” 

Jim read it, staring at the beautiful girl in the little picture, a little smile on her face, shiny eyes and white hair tangled into a low braid. “It doesn’t report where she was born.” 

The Admiral nodded, “Because she was part of a rare civilization. Starfleet agreed to keep it hidden as long as we had all the other information about Claire, as for any other student. I was designed as her supervisor when she came here. Only me and few others knew about her origins and _abilities_.” 

“What kind of abilities?” 

“Her people had an impressive adaptable genetic structure. Their blood could contain and control enormous amounts of any kind of energy.” 

Jim was listening carefully, and he quickly spotted the connection, “So they could also become human bombs? That’s how Claire could’ve died in that cave?” 

“It’s a possibility. But I don’t know any kind of energy actually able to kill her.” 

“That means that her death could not be a murder.” 

Janeway looked angrily at him, “Claire wasn’t stupid. She never played with her capacities. She wouldn’t be so stupid.” 

Jim sighed, “Ok… Can't we ask her people? They could know something.” 

“They’re all dead,” the Admiral said, “A war started on their planet while Claire was here, and apparently no one survived. She was the last one known of her species.” 

Jim looked down at Claire’s picture one last time before leaving the documents on the table, next to Leonard’s. “And after that, she left Starfleet?”

Janeway nodded, “I tried to make her change her mind, I told her to stay here, but she didn’t listen… and soon after she joined a group of mercenary. We know that McCoy wasn’t part of it anymore at the time.” 

Jim kept staring at Leonard’s files. “For how long he stayed with them?” 

“Almost two years.” The Admiral saw him stay in silence, so she continued, “After Claire left with them, I lost contact with her. The last call I got from her was almost four years ago. She left me a message saying that she had made a mistake and that she was sorry. And then… then she was dead in a cave on an abandoned planet. With your Doctor that, from what we know so far, left his own crew to join someone else...” 

“You think he helped his old mercenaries friends to find her? To kill her?” Jim asked coldly, “He would never do such a thing. I don’t care about what those files say, Leonard is not a killer. If he was in that cave with her, he was probably trying to help her.” 

“I wish I could believe it as much as you do, but I know the leader of that group, and he’s not famous for his good heart.” 

“We have a name?” he asked, surprised. 

“Raoul Morten. I followed Claire’s footsteps for years to know what kind of people she was working with and in the end, I found him.” 

“Then why you’re not interrogating _him_? Arrest him and ask him about Claire-” 

“Arresting him for what reason?” Janeway snorted, “I kept more than one eye on him for years, before and after Claire was gone, and you know what I found? Nothing. Not one thing I could use to charge him for anything. Officially, Claire just left the Academy. Nothing says that she was even part of Raoul’s crew. There’s nothing to prove it, only my word and what my connections have found out for me.” 

Jim was speechless for a moment, “But- but you know he was involved. If you know she worked with him-“ 

“I searched for Morten after Claire’s last call,” Janeway said, voice cold and angry, “and in the end, he was the one knocking at my door. He suddenly appeared on our radar and I’ve used all the favors I could use to get a permission to check his ship. We did it, and we find nothing.” She took a deep breath, trying to calm down, “He came out from his hole that time, just to show how smart he was.” 

Jim couldn’t believe how much he was hating the man already. “We need to find him again. Now we have more information, and a member of my crew is involved too. I’m not going to give up until-“ 

“Starfleet won’t let you unless we’ll have some proof.” She said, “I was an Admiral already when I marched on a mercenary’s ship for no reason. People here still remember that.” She sat down on one of the chairs, crossing her arms on the chest, “I know Morten put Claire in danger somehow, but I can’t prove it. I haven’t found something about him in that cave: I only found the proof that your Doctor met her in there.” 

“That doesn’t mean that he killed her.” Jim pointed out, “Maybe Morten left that pin there, maybe he forced him to do something-“ 

“Or maybe he asked him to kill her.” 

“Leonard would never do it.” He insisted, “There has to be another explanation, something we don’t know- that’s why I need to find him. Sooner the better.” 

Janeway stared at him for a moment, “You don’t know Morten like I do, Kirk. He’s a master on put people in the condition to do what he asks, convincing them that it’s the right thing to do.” 

“I know very few people able to control Leonard McCoy.” 

“And sadly, Morten could be one of them.” 

Jim felt a shiver of anger at the thought of Leonard forced to do something he didn’t wanted to… but kill a woman against his will? Bones was stronger than that. “Maybe I don’t know much about his past, but I know him now. He might be just a Doctor, but he’s the most stubborn Doctor I ever met.” 

Janeway took another deep breath, looking at him: no more anger in her eyes, just honest worry, “You trust him?” 

“More than I trust myself, sometimes.” 

She huffed a smile, the first little smile she showed him and her face became so different for a moment… probably the same expression of affection she used with Claire. 

“Let me help in this investigation,” Jim said, “I own Leonard that much. I’ll find out what happened to both of them, and if you’re right about Morten, he will pay for everything.” 

The Admiral looked intently at him and then nodded once. At the same time, her phone rang and she checked it, frowning, then looked up at him, “Did you forgot to tell me something, Kirk?” 

“Like what?” 

“Like your First Officer forcing his way into McCoy’s apartment?” she looked tiredly at him. 

“Oh… I was trying not to waste time.” 

She shook her head, looking at the phone again, “Well, I guess it was the right decision…” 

“Why? He found something?” he asked moving closer. 

Janeway handed him the device, “Someone was there before him. And not one of ours, I was waiting for you before entering the apartment.” 

Jim looked at the screen: it was a video of the inside of Leonard’s house and it looked like a tornado has passed through it. All the furniture were upside-down, the few paintings destroyed on the floor, a window broken as some chairs and the shelves, books were thrown everywhere. “He was kidnapped,” Jim murmured, looking at her with tense eyes, “And if he really is with Morten, it wasn’t his choice.” 

The Admiral said nothing, then got a call, “Yes? Yes, I-“ she frowned, “What?” 

Jim already knew was something bad, again, but when the Admiral moved to use the console on the table, turning the hologram screen on, the last thing he was expecting to see on the news was a bridge outside the city split into two pieces. “What the hell…?” 

Janeway closed the call, “It happened around thirty minutes ago. There are some videos from people that were there…” 

Jim looked closely the first one: the person recording was heading for the little town visible more forward, but he turned around for a moment, before showing again the other way. “Wait- go back.” He asked, watching even more carefully until his heart skipped a beat, “There- stop there,” he said, unable to hide a sigh of relief, “That’s Bones… I mean, Leonard.” 

Admiral Janeway was staring at the frame showing a man kneeling on the ground, his back to the camera, but it was only for a few seconds. “We need another angle…” she murmured checking the controls of the console until another point of view of the accident appeared, higher than before, maybe a camera somewhere on a building or some other structure. Zooming in, they could now see the profile of Leonard, even if the image was a bit blurred. 

“He’s here… he’s on Earth.” Jim said. 

“He doesn’t look good,” she said, “What’s that purple around him?” 

Jim swallowed, staring worried at the strange aura around the Doctor. 

She then squirted her eyes and gasped, straightening her back as if trying to distance herself from the hologram. 

“What?” Jim asked, before watching someone, a man, crouching next to Leonard, too close to be a stranger. The man then took something and moved a hand behind Leonard’s neck, and Jim closed his hands into tight fists when he saw Bones grabbing on the man, as if in pain, and then go slack against him. Someone else reached them, taking Leonard on their shoulders, and then they all left the bridge, disappearing in the mass of people. _Oh God, Bones…_ , Jim thought, feeling anger, fear and worry all together rushing to his brain. 

“That’s him,” Admiral Janeway said, and there was only anger in her voice, “That was Morten.” 

 

When Spock came back from Leonard’s apartment, he quickly joined the meeting and, after been updated about the last information, he took place at the table, watching every video available about the accident on the bridge. He did not commented when he saw Leonard, or when people- when Morten took him away: he kept studying every frame, every detail, anything that could be useful. 

Jim stayed with him after the Admiral left to gather more info, walking nervously around the room. Often he moved to the exit because he just couldn’t stand to stay still while Bones was out there in need of help, but the guard outside just told him again that they both had to stay there until ulterior notification. 

The Captain of the Enterprise was slowly losing his mind. Despite he saw Leonard alive, something clearly happened to him and he needed to know what.

_He doesn’t need that Morten guy, that’s for sure_ , Jim thought, nervously looking at Spock and the hologram showing another video about the bridge. He then looked down at the dossier about Leonard’s past: he could read it, he was his Captain after all… but something stop him from doing so. Something like guilt, because that was stuff that Leonard clearly didn’t wanted to share- and also something like fear, but not quite… more like worry of what he could’ve found in those pages.

Leonard have done something bad in his past? Did he hurt someone? _Killed_ someone only because Morten’s orders? Jim kept saying to himself that it wasn’t possible, but why Bones never talked about it, then? He didn’t trusted his Captain- his friend, _that_ much? 

“Jim.” Spock called him back to reality, “Any new from the Admiral?” 

“Not yet. Did you found something?” he asked, walking closer to him. 

Spock took a deep breath, staring at the frozen image of the destroyed bridge from another high point of view, “It is definitely Leonard the man we can see in the video, and he looks like- in a weakened state.” 

“Hurt. You mean he’s hurt.” 

“I’m not sure. I can’t see any injuries… he looked like he couldn’t stand, so he might be just exhausted.” 

Jim tried to calm his voice, “Anything else? What about Morten?” 

“I think…” Spock frowned looking at the screen, “I think he used something on Leonard. He appears to be unconscious when they left the bridge.” He looked back at the Captain, but Jim was staring angrily at the hologram. “And I’ve noticed another thing: that purple area visible in the first video. It looks like it was spreading all around Leonard… and into the bridge.” 

Jim looked at him, “What that supposed to mean?” 

“Too soon to make any conclusion...” 

“It’s about time to make some conclusion, Spock. Leonard is here, probably still is. I don’t want to lose him again to some psycho-mercenary that wants to play with him.” 

Spock nodded, “We’ll get him back.” 

Admiral Janeway entered the room then, looking at both of them, “Sorry to keep you waiting. I’ve sent my men to the accident site and they talked with people that saw what happened. Some of them confirmed that Leonard McCoy was there, that he looked sick, but that he was the first to yell at everyone to leave the bridge.” 

“He didn’t, though.” Spock said, “From what I saw, he was heading to the city.” 

She nodded, “A woman confirmed that. She was trying to help him, but he hurt her and then said to call an ambulance for her, and apologize, before keep going to the city until the bridge split.” 

“He hurt her before calling for an ambulance?” Jim echoed, confused. 

“How did he hurt her?” Spock asked. 

“He burned her arm when he pushed her away.” 

Captain and First Officer both looked confused now. 

“Don’t ask me, I still have to understand exactly what happened. I’m going there right now. You two can come too. This is also your investigation.” She said and, with a nod, walked away again. 

Jim passed a hand over his face, then looked at the hologram again, “Spock, what the hell is going on?” 

“I fear the list of possibilities is still too long.” 

“Then how we can get the right answer?” 

“I think we need to know what happened to Claire Steel and why she was in that cave in the first place,” Spock said and Jim sighed, looking once again at the hologram: that was the closest to Bones he was since the last time he saw him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I definitely need a videogame with a happy ending right now... I'm ok with oceans of angst but, dear Lord, Square Enix stop breaking my heart one game after another... *clapping at them for the good work while crying river of tears*

Leonard couldn’t clearly make out the voices screaming around himself. He could feel the cold floor against his cheek though, his eyes half-open but the vision blurred, blending into gray or black, able only to distinguish shadows moving here and there in his line of sight.

He felt dizzy, lulled in a strange calm and warm sensation. He was also feeling far away from wherever he was, like in a dream, but the screams were there somewhere… like a particular sound that doesn’t allow you to sleep. In this case, the sounds were voices… and they sounded angry. 

“-and you destroyed everything! Did you have any idea of what you’ve done?” a man was yelling. 

“Yes, I know. I wonder if you do!” a woman this time, angry all the same, “She was just-“ 

Leonard closed his eyes, focusing on his own heartbeat for a moment. 

“I gave her a choice!” the man said. 

“The same choice you’re going to give to him? You can’t do something like that again!” 

“Oh, so you’re the boss here, now?” 

“Maybe it would be better.”

Leonard blinked awake at the sound of a hit- a slap- but still, he couldn’t find the strength to move or better look around, he just keep laying there, half-awake, _What is happening…?_

“-and we’ll see who’s better.” The man snarled, “I don’t take well betrayals, and you called this on yourself.” 

“And I would do it again!” cried the woman, “I haven’t joined this crew to become a monster like you. I did the right thing!”

“Keep telling yourself that.” 

This time, a gunshot made Leonard flinch, then he saw someone falling down, not too far, _Let me… I’m a… I’m a doctor… I should… I can…_

“He’s waking up.” Someone else said. 

“Good. I’m done with people screwing up everything. Put him up.” 

Leonard felt hands on himself that dragged him away from the floor, keeping him standing on his feet that were slack against the ground. He couldn’t do anything- he was so weak and tired... 

“He’s still a member of the Starfleet…” another one murmured. 

“They don’t even know he’s gone.” 

“But if Lyan warned them-“ 

“Then we’ll make disappear the proofs.” The man’s voice was stronger now, closer, “Sorry McCoy, but you failed miserably. I don’t think you’ll ever be able to do anything to repay me, at this point.” 

Leonard was staring down at the dark floor, but that voice- and the hand that was grabbing his hair… _Raoul?_

“Put him there. We’ll clean this mess before-“ 

“What the-“ 

“Whoa! Let him go- let him go!” 

Suddenly, without any support, Leonard crashed down on the floor again, pain spreading and growing all over his body… was he screaming? Was he still alive? 

Someone yelled something, others answered, but the doctor couldn’t make out a single word until the pain was so strong he passed out. 

.-.-.

 

When Leonard woke up again, he could clearly see that he was laying on his back inside a capsule terribly similar to the cryo-tube Khan had used for his crew, his reflection slightly visible on the glass, over the gray ceiling. Blinking, he moved a hand over his eyes and then stared up for a moment: it was a metal ceiling, no windows in the room, but a light attached on the wall to his left and a closed door on the right. “H-hey.” He called with a raspy and low voice. 

He sighed, trying to remember what happened: Raoul, the planet, the sick woman- Claire…

“Claire...” Leonard murmured and tried to move, but the space was just enough to let him turn on one side, “HEY… Get me out of here!” He screamed punching the glass. 

After a moment, the door opened and Raoul appeared on the doorstep, looking intently at him before closing it behind him. 

“Why the hell you put me in here?” the doctor snarled. 

“Well, it should heal your wounds,” The other said, staring down at him, creeping and studying over his body, “We didn’t found any, but better safe than sorry, right?” 

Leonard didn’t liked that look: too many bad memories were related to that curious interest he saw on Raoul’s face. Anger helped him not to think about it, “Where’s Claire?” 

“Where you think she is?” Raoul said looking back at him, “She’s dead.” 

The doctor remembered about that last scream he heard in the cave- it was probably going to haunt him forever. “Then how I’m still alive?” 

“I was hoping for you to answer that question.” 

Giving Raoul answers was the last thing the doctor wanted to do at the moment, “She told me everything. About her family, about how you fooled her to join you crew just to use her when you needed her.” He hissed.

“Isn’t that the purpose of having _friends_?” 

“You made her crash in that cave!” Leonard yelled, punching the glass again, “You forced her to escape from you! For God’ sake, Raoul, you let her die on that planet, completely alone and sick just because she refused to help you?” 

“No. I did it because she took something from me _and then_ tried to escape with it.” 

“And I won’t blame her. What the hell were you going to do with that power? Because clearly it wasn’t anything good if Claire keep it away from you until she died.” 

“That doesn’t concern you.” 

“It concerns me since you dragged me into this mess and I had to see that poor girl die because you’re more insane than I remember!” Leonard felt warm under the palms of his hands but didn’t even bothered to look. He’d never been so angry, so furious like he was in that moment. 

Raoul sighed and shrugged, he _shrugged_ at his rage, “I don’t pretend you to understand. I had my reasons. I searched that power for too long, McCoy. She stole it from me, what was I supposed to do? Just let her have it?” 

The doctor couldn’t believe he worked with that same man for years. “She didn’t wanted to use it- she couldn’t use it! That power would’ve killed her anyway- despite her special blood.” 

Raoul stared at him for a moment and then shook his head, “What a waste.” 

Leonard saw red. “SHE WASN’T-!” he stopped when a crack appeared on the glass of the capsule, making Raoul step back. He blinked in surprise, looking at the rest of the cabin in confusion, “What did you do?” 

“Nothing.” 

“Stop lying to me and tell me what-” 

“Maybe you should look at yourself, first.” 

Leonard frowned, then looked up at his own reflection on the glass and this time he saw something different on his face: his eyes were bright purple. “What the hell…?” 

“I’m surprised as you are.” Raoul said, moving closer again, “I thought that that power was lost forever, and then we found you in that cave, surprisingly alive and- well…” 

“What the hell is this?” Leonard looked back at him, “Why my eyes- why my eyes are like Claire’s?”

“I’m afraid you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.” 

Leonard’s mind was spinning, eyes still purple. He could feel fear slowly growing in his chest, “I’m like her? I…“ 

“I think you got her power when she died. It’s probably the only reason why you survived the explosion.” 

“You mean that power passed to me? Are you kidding? She- Claire said that it was too much even for her!” 

“I know, that’s why I was surprised,” Raoul nodded, “and that’s why I put you in this capsule. You were kind of… _unstable_ , no offence. Staying in there should keep the energy under control, but it seems it won’t be enough…” he said thoughtfully, passing his fingers over the crack.

_This can’t be real…_

“You’re doing fine so far. Maybe the power can adapt to the person that keeps it. That would make sense.” 

_I didn’t ask for any of this…_

“Don’t worry, we’ll try to help you as we can…” 

Leonard sent a furious glare on him, “Your _help_ means to keep me in here for the rest of my life? Waiting for me to die?” 

“Not necessarily.”

“You planned all this, didn’t you? You knew what was going to happen.”

“Leonard, please…” 

“You didn’t kill me just because I have your important power. So now what? You’re gonna use me like you couldn’t do with Claire?” 

“I’ve never said-“ 

“And you think I’ll just let you, doing nothing? Like hell I will.” 

“Leonard, you should try to calm down a bit.” 

“Calm down? I got a damn overdose of an unknown energy that could kill me at any moment from a girl that YOU killed, and now you want to keep me here as a weapon that you can use for whatever crazy idea you’re planning! You think she hasn't told me about it?” 

“My intention wasn’t to use her against her will.” 

“Oh really? She chooses to die alone in a damn cave rather than see you again!” 

Another crack appeared in the glass. 

Raoul stared at it, then back at the doctor that had dropped his head into his hands, “The only thing I’m trying to do right now, is keeping you from killing yourself. You can’t control this power yet, you _need_ to calm down.” 

Leonard kept his eyes closed, shivers both cold and hot running through his body, strange whispers into his ears, the fast thumping of his heart… “If you want to keep me calm, let me go and never come back for me.” He said, anger and pain into his voice. 

There was a long moment of silence, then Raoul answered, “Alright.” And saw the other look up, “I thought you would ask something like that. We’re already on Earth.” 

“What…?” Leonard could hardly believe those words. 

“We’ll land outside San Francisco and you’ll be free to go. I just need you to stay in here until then. It wouldn’t be nice to explode along with this shuttle because of your lack of control.” Raoul said calmly, before turning around and leave. 

Leonard watched the door closing in silence. Everything that had happened was too much to allow him even to move. He stayed there in fear and worry, staring up at those purple eyes… his purple eyes, now. 

 

It didn’t take too long before other people entered the little room and take him away, still inside the capsule silently floating over the ground. Saying that he could walk by himself just granted nothing but few cold glares. 

If Leonard wasn’t going to breathe some fresh air in the next minutes, he was going to have a panic attack, feeling the tension in his whole body already. When he finally found himself outside the shuttle, staring at the cloudy sky, for a moment he felt better… just for a brief moment. 

“So, just to let you know,” Raoul reappeared over the capsule, “I haven’t kept you in here for my personal enjoyment as you might think. You’ll understand what I mean once outside this cabin, and believe me, it won’t be nice, so… are you sure that you want to-“ 

“Let me out, or the first thing I’ll do will be to kill you.” He growled. 

Raoul sighed but disappeared from his line of sight again, and then the cabin’s glass opened with a soft hiss. 

Leonard sit up and jumped down instantly, falling on hard, ruined concrete, staying on his knees for a moment: it felt like his body was spreading energy all around and he could actually feel it moving back of forth between the ground and himself. He looked at his shaky hands with growing tension. 

“Leonard…” 

“You stay away from me.” He hissed, ready to jump on the man and break his neck, but he knew better… there was no time to waste. If he didn't needed help before, he sure needed help now. He needed his crew… he needed Jim’s courage and Spock’s mind to at least try to solve the mess he was drowning into. 

“Ok, but if I can give you one last advice, think about this for a sec, don’t just run straight back to the city.” 

Leonard took a deep breath and pushed himself up, using the capsule for support. He looked at it, a shiver running through his body thinking about how long has he been locked in there. It looked like a normal medical capsule, with the console on one edge. Looking over it, there was a little shuttle on the field not too far, the rest of the crew waiting at its entrance while Raoul was just some step away from him. 

“They can’t help you, that’s what I tried to explain to Claire as well, and she didn’t listen-” 

“So just let her die because she _don’t listen_ to you.” 

“You think she was ready to control that power? She told you that she couldn’t.” 

“She didn’t asked for it in the first place!” Leonard yelled, “If you wanted that power so much, why didn’t you take it by yourself instead of sacrifice someone else’s life?” 

“Because I was sure she could’ve handled it. I made a mistake, that’s on me, but lots of people would be dead by now if I’d let her escape. I wanted to fix it, but she refused to listen, and now you’re doing the same-” 

“You better take your shuttle and leave before all the damn Starfleet will come here for you.” Leonard interrupted, “You’re insane, Raoul, and I’m done with you.” That said he turned around and slowly, unsteadily walked away, heading to the little town not too far away. 

One of the crew slowly walked next to Raoul, “We let him go just like this? After everything we’ve been through?” 

Raoul took a deep breath, staring at the doctor in the distance, “We’re not going to do the same mistake twice… you saw what happened with Claire. I can’t lose him too.” 

“But if he warns the Starfleet-“ 

“I doubt he’ll receive the help he’s hoping for…” Raoul smiled slightly, “We’ll show the doctor how easily Starfleet is used to change its mind, even about its own men.” 

 

 _I’m not the problem here. It can’t be, this- this has to be some kind of energy left from the explosion, but it will disappear- it has to. Claire would’ve never given that power to me_ , Leonard thoughts were the only thing helping him not to panic. He was sure that the situation wasn’t as bad as the cold and clear part of his mind was trying to make him think. 

He could feel the energy moving inside his body, over his spine and shoulders, the rush similar to a strong wave of fever, or the worst vertigo of his life. The sensation lasted just a moment, enough to make him trip on his own feet, and then it was gone, just creeping on him, making his whole body shiver. 

_I would be already dead if this was the same power… she said no human can handle it-damn it_ , Leonard winced at another shiver and slammed both hands on a car in the parking he just reached. Trying to taking slow, deep breath, he blinked at the metal under his palms that was quickly turning red-hot, and a second later the alarm started. 

“Shit…” he squinted his eyes at the violent sound and quickly moved away. “Why me? What I have done in my past life to deserve this?” he growled to himself, looking back at the abandoned complex- maybe a factory, where Raoul left him: the shuttle and his captain were hidden behind the buildings, but the Doctor was sure that they were still there. Trying to ignore it, he turned to look at the town and keep walking, ignoring the curious looks people were sending in his direction.

Leonard stopped only when he finally saw San Francisco on the other side of the bridge. He was so close to home… but if Raoul was right about something, was that he needed to be careful. _First of all, find Jim, explain everything that happened since I left the Enterprise and then take care of the new problem. Someone will know how to remove this energy from me..._

Looking around, he found what he needed on the other side of the street, close to a little park: a public phone. Leonard quickly reached for it, “Jim’s number... Jim’s number…” he murmured, trying to remember it and when he finally made it, he closed his eyes and focus on the rings, “Come on… Jim, answer the damn phone…” he got distracted when some cracks appeared on the glass of the little cabin, _Oh no…_

“Hello?” 

“Jim!” Leonard almost cried out, but the second he said the word, all the glass around him exploded. The doctor covered himself with both arms, jumping out the cabin and falling on the ground. When he looked up again, the phone was destroyed. He stared at the mess in fear and surprise, suddenly aware of people looking at him from the street, more getting closer from the park.

 _I’m losing control_ , Leonard thought, hearing his heart thumping fast in his ears, “Alright… no phones… I’ll go there myself. I can do it.” He stood up and moved away until he saw the metro station.

He quickly entered and reached the line directed to the city: three minutes for the train to arrive. 

_I can do this… I just have to reach the HQ, then I’ll be fine… it’s gonna be fine…_

“Sir?” 

Leonard jumped and looked down at the little girl next to him, maybe ten years old.

“Your eyes are purple.” She said staring up at him in awe.

“What?” he frowned, then remembered, “My- my eyes… yeah.” 

“Why they’re purple?” 

“Uh… it’s because I’m- I’m sick- but it’s not infective. I’ll have them back to normal soon.” 

The little girl nodded, “Does it hurt?” 

Leonard blinked. At least that wasn’t on his list of problems, for now. “No, it doesn’t.” 

She smiled, “I like that color.” 

“Anna!” A man looked around before spotting the girl, “Come here, stop bothering people.” 

“I didn't!” she huffed, waving a hand at the doctor before running away.

Leonard forced out a little smile and a nod to the man, probably her dad, waving back at the girl. He took a deep breath hearing the train coming. He stared at it as it slowly stopped in front of him... then he looked down: was the ground trembling? _It’s just because of the train_ , he told himself, standing in line. 

Once in front of the entrance, his hands were shaking again. He tried to calm down, but then he heard a weak crack somewhere: looking up, he found it in the glass of the ceiling. Frustrated, he almost decided to stay on the metro anyway because, hell, he needed help, and he was only five minutes from the city… and then he saw the little girl and his dad sitting some seats away. 

Leonard stared at them, then at the other people on the train, and the memory of the explosion in the cave hit him like a punch. _I could do the same thing?_ , he asked himself before feeling the train trembling under his feet even being still, and more heads started to look around in confusion. 

Cursing at everything and everyone, Leonard stepped back, outside the metro. He stared at it while the doors closed and then his ride was gone. 

“Great… just great.” He sighed, trying to think while leaving the station. Reaching the end of the town, he stared at San Francisco on the other side of the river. There were other bridges to reach the city, he knew that, but it would’ve taken so much more time… time in which he had to keep a terrifying power under control.

 _“I wouldn’t like to explode with the shuttle because of your lack of control…”_

Leonard pondered Raoul’s words, now that he was able to think better… and he was right. He wasn’t able to control this power; he would have destroyed even the shuttle if it wasn’t for the capsule they put him into… maybe Raoul could actually help him… 

Leonard shook his head at the thought and proceed to walk to the closest bridge: only people were allowed to cross, no cars or other vehicles and that was for the better, but still…

He didn’t wanted to destroy anything or hurt anyone, but there was no other choice.

 _Raoul have done more than enough already. Nothing of this would’ve happened if it wasn’t for him… I would be on the Enterprise right now, probably stitching up the Captain because he’s so good at it- and I would be glad to be there, ranting at him. Anything would be better than this…_. A yell distracted Leonard from his thoughts, and he noticed only then where he was: not even close to the middle of the bridge and he could already feel it shaking a bit, and then one of the tires attached to the pillars keeping the bridge up snapped. 

Leonard blinked in alarm, watching few people staring in terror at the damage, “Run- come one, move!” he screamed, his doctor’s instinct kicking in, but then he saw them frowning at him as well: his eyes, his damn purple eyes. 

“Man, you ok?” asked a guy close to him. 

“Yes. The bridge is not safe. Reach the other side, quickly.” Leonard said, before noticing a woman looking worryingly down, and following her gaze, he saw his own shaking again, but now with some purple visible into the veins. 

“You need a doctor?” the guy said, unsure of leaving; most of the other people preferred to save themselves running away.

“I am a doctor and I’m fine. Now left the bridge.” 

“Aren’t you a doctor on the Enterprise?” Another woman said, “My son works there too-“ 

“ _Please_ , leave this goddamn bridge!” he yelled angrily and, just to make his words more clear, all the structure shuddered violently, sending people down on the floor with a yell of pain and surprise. He grabbed the banister to keep his balance and a woman’s arm to help her do the same, but what he got in return was a yelp of pain. He let go instantly. 

She fell sat down, a hand over his arm: the skin was burned. She looked back at him with wide, confused eyes. 

“What the hell?” a man commented, helping her to stand.

“I- I’m sorry. Call an ambulance for her, alright? Leave this bridge and call help… I’m sorry.” Leonard said before start to walk fast to reach the other side: the city, he had to reach the city. He couldn’t do it alone, he needed help, he needed someone to stop him from hurting people and destroyed things. 

_“You can’t control this power yet, you_ need _to calm down…”_

“Calm down… as if it’s easy at this point.” Leonard said, hearing Raoul’s words into his head… and why Raoul’s? He was the one to blame, it was all his fault… but at least he had a cabin that could keep him from becoming a bomb…

 _“…you know how Raoul is good at hiding his true intentions… he never said that he wanted to turn me into his personal weapon.”_ Claire’s words were suddenly there too, but- did he really still had a choice in the matter? There wasn’t a cave for him to hide into… he was free, and he was dangerous, just like Raoul told him. 

Leonard shut his eyes and fall on the ground, head through his hands, _I don’t know what to do… I have no idea_ , he cried to himself while the bridge kept moving violently left and right, up and down, and he knew it was his fault. 

Leonard shivered, feeling the energy flowing into the bridge that suddenly cracked some meters away from him: he saw the part attached to the city fall down, while the one where he was slowly started to rise. “No, no- damn it!” he stood up and run to the edge, watching people still on the bridge running back to the city, others falling into the water. 

Leonard stared at them, unable to help, unable to stop, and then another wave of fever, or whatever it was, hit him and he fell down again, feeling his own blood too hot into his veins, his eyes burning… was he going to die? Was he going to explode?

And suddenly, someone was calling for him. 

“-to me! Leonard!”

He opened his eyes and saw blonde hair for a moment. He felt close to cry. 

“Still with me?” Raoul asked, kneeling next to him, “See what you’re doing? I tried to warn you.” 

Leonard stared at him for a moment, “Raoul…?” 

He snorted, “Who you were expecting to see? Starfleet is hunting you down already.” 

“W-what?” 

“We can’t stay here, but I can’t take you on my ship like this. I have something to keep your energy down… please, let me help you before you kill someone.” 

_Me? Killing someone…?_ , Leonard felt sick at the memory of that woman he had hurt before. He looked down and nodded. 

Raoul patted his shoulder, taking something from under his jacket, “Ok. This is gonna hurt, but you’ll be fine when you wake up. I promise.” 

Leonard stayed kneel on the ground, feeling the other moving an arm around him, then something was placed behind his neck, on the space between his shoulders, and then claws thrust through his skin, into his flesh, and he screamed in pain with all the voice he had before the world turned pitch black and he couldn’t feel anything anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can say that after this chapter we'll stay on the same timeline for the last part of the story. Means that I'll be able to finally put Jim and Leonard together in the same scene again... and that means feelings... and that means MCKIRKGODDAMMITITSABOUTTIMEFINALLYJFC  
> But first, more cliffhangers, of course.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit later because a half-drunk editing from an Italian 'writer' on an English fanfic is something you probably don't need- nor deserve. Also, hurray for longer chapters!

“Leonard?” 

_Who…?_

“Leonard, you hear me?” 

_Right… that’s me…_

“Bones?” 

Leonard slowly opened his eyes, meeting Raoul’s… Clearly not the person he thought he would’ve found there.

Raoul took a deep breath, looking relieved: he was sitting in front to Leonard, next to his feet, one of his knees brushing against the other man’s leg, a closed book on his lap. “I really thought I lost you this time.” 

Leonard just blinked in silence. 

“You remember what happened?” Raoul asked, and nodded at his silence. “I’m sure you do… like everyone else.” He added, looking at his left. 

The doctor followed his gaze: there was a mute screen on the table close by. The news was showing the destroyed bridge, lots of military ships all around it, on water and flying around the collapsed structure. 

“It was yesterday,” Raoul said, “I took you from there and back on my ship. There was nothing else we could do…” 

“You could just let me explode.” He commented softly, blankly. “No capsule this time?” 

“No capsule.” Raoul sighed, looking patiently at him, “You just need to get used to it. It’s not as bad as it seems. Not yet.” 

Leonard tried to move his neck and flinched in pain, feeling something attached to it. 

“Better if you don’t touch that too much.” Raoul warned, “That’s what is helping you not destroying me and the whole ship right now.” He saw the dark expression on the doctor’s face, “Hey, I asked your permission. You accepted my help, remember?” 

“I remember something almost cutting my head off of me.” 

“I told you it was going to hurt. On the bright side, it seems to work.” 

Leonard slowly touched the _thing_ on the back of his neck, feeling metal under his fingertips. “What the hell is this?” 

“Something I made for Claire, but she never gave me the change to test it. It’s a device that can keep the energy under control, helping the keeper surviving that power.” 

“So you can use it when you want?” 

“Why you have to be so pessimist? Am I using it? Am I using _you_?” Raoul snorted, “I’m not, I can’t. That thing only contains the energy. It’s not charging with it to be used.” 

“Then why I feel so weak?” 

“Because you’re not made to keep this power. It’s already affecting your body, probably more than it did to Claire. You’re just human, after all.” 

“Affecting how?” 

“You’re not healing, for started.” Raoul sat better, “The bruises, some damaged ribs, the cuts on your back… nothing is healing. We tried everything, but they keep reappearing on your body after a while. It’s like the power keeps draining everything from you, and my device can’t do anything about it.” 

Leonard pondered the information for a moment, then tried to sit, between groans of pain and some help from the other man. “Remind me- why I decided to meet you in the first place?” 

Raoul huffed, “Because you’re a good friend.” 

“I’m not your friend.” 

“Ouch, that hurts.” 

“You killed Claire, and now me… you’ll have Starfleet on you forever- along with a Vulcan. Good luck with that.” 

Raoul sighed, “We may find a way to save you, we still have time… but I understand if you want to go back to your beloved Captain. I’m sure he’s searching for you since the bridge incident.” 

“He’s… he’s on Earth?” 

“From what I know, Enterprise was called back home urgently. An Admiral request.” 

Leonard frowned, “Why?” 

“Well, maybe because they found out about the rest of your resume?” 

Leonard swallowed hard, “They have nothing about that.” 

“Maybe, but they have lots of things about me- I’ve never had a nice relationship with that Admiral… Janeway, I think that’s the name. She collected everything she could find about my life, so I’m pretty sure they have something on every member of my crew.” 

“Are you actually saying that you kept information about me?” 

“I was under interrogation once or twice, I had to say the truth.” He said sarcastically offended. 

Leonard couldn’t see it, but he could feel that his eyes were purple again… his hands shaking a bit. “Or they just casually found those informations now.” 

Raoul grinned, “I’m don't like stabbing friends in the back, McCoy. I just defend myself.” 

Leonard froze at that: _"I don’t take well betrayals"_ … where did he heard that? In a dream or…?

“Bones?” 

“Stop calling me Bones.” He hissed angrily. 

“Oh, you finally hate it?” 

“I hate it coming from you.” 

Raoul sighed, shaking his head like a patient parent, “Our Jimmy is a special one, is he?” 

“Will you ever **shut up**?” Leonard jumped and put a hand over the device behind his neck, groaning in pain. 

“That thing helps, but don’t push your luck.” Raoul said, standing next to him now, moving his hand away to check the device, “It goes pretty deep, close to your spinal cord. Don’t play with it, I’m not joking.” 

“Then just take it off and let me go.” 

He huffed a laugh, “If that’s what you want, I’m sure they’ll be happy to see you. Everyone seems to be looking for you. How they called you so far? The monster, the terrorist… people saw you on that bridge, you know? The ones that survived, that is.” 

Leonard slapped him away, angrier than before, bearing the pain coming from the device. 

“I know your Jim was already there when I dropped you outside the city,” Raoul said, “You tried to call him? He didn’t answered?” 

“He did, but this damn energy destroyed the phone.” 

“Too bad he wasn’t the one that came to help you, uh? No, no, I know: he couldn’t know it was you calling. He sure would’ve run to help if he knew, yeah, no doubt about it.” 

Leonard huffed a laugh, shaking his head, “Keep your mind-games for the rest of your crew.” 

“I don’t need mind-games. The Admiral is doing a good job by herself already,” Raoul said, pointing at the screen, “There’s an investigation going on, about a member of the Starfleet helping a dangerous group of mercenaries.” 

“Wait for when I’ll tell them the truth.” 

“Oh, Leonard… They don’t care one bit about why or how you’re involved. You’re on the wrong side, that’s all that matters for them.” 

“You kidnapped me! I’m not- why they shouldn’t trust me? You’re the one responsible for Claire’s death!” 

“But they’ve found _your_ traces on her cave, not mine.” 

_That’s why you needed me_ , Leonard thought, _you just needed someone to keep there, ready to be used as a bait if things would’ve turned against you._

Raoul was studying him and shook his head, “I know what you’re thinking but, believe me or not, putting Claire’s death on you wasn’t part of the plan. I don’t know what they found about you in there, but I know they have found something.” 

Leonard’s eyes were flashing purple constantly now, pain spreading from the device into his whole back, but he was too angry to care, “You’ve become such a coward that you can’t even admit it. That’s new.” 

“I had no idea when Claire was going to die,” Raoul said with a flat expression, “I knew was a matter of time, but-“ he was interrupted when the bed trembled and the lights flickered. 

“Don’t talk like all this isn’t your fault,” Leonard murmured, staring at him, hands clenched in fists. 

Raoul sighed, “You want to go back home? I’ll let you. Try to explain to them what happened while destroying the city. Let’s see how long they’ll listen to you before putting a bullet in your head.” 

“Maybe that’s your way to solve problems, not theirs.” 

“That’s how _anyone_ here is going to solve this problem right now.” Raoul murmured leaning down on him, a hand placed next to the Doctor’s head, staring into his purple eyes, “You killed people yesterday, and you’re the one they think have killed Claire. You think Captain Kirk will be able to help you out of that? Or that he’s going to stay on your side while the whole Starfleet is against you?” 

Leonard didn’t moved, looking back at him but, in the end, he blinked and looked away. 

Raoul kept staring down at him for a moment, then took a deep breath, calming down. “Starfleet see you as a treat now, Leonard, and Jimmy can’t change that.” He leaned back, standing next to the bed, “I already asked you to stay with me, and my offer is still valid. I’m trying to help you, here. The device seems to work, we can try to make it better, maybe we’ll be able to free you from that power one day… but don’t expect me to give my work to them. If you want their help, then you don’t need mine.” 

“Doesn’t sound like blackmail at all,” Leonard said without looking at him. 

“Sorry, but it took a lot of time to create that little wonder.” Raoul shrugged, “I’m not asking you to stay forever, alright? I’m just offering you time… Time to make up your mind and see Starfleet from another perspective.” He grabbed the book and added, “Think about it, ok? I’ll give you all day, then we’ll have to leave, with or without you.” And after a brief moment, he left the room. 

Leonard closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before putting both hands close to the device and let out a low cry of pain: the more he got angry, the more he could feel those claws inside his body, all the goddamn time. 

Brushing over his watery eyes, he then looked at the screen, the news still showing the bridge, and he sighed, thinking about what Raoul said- about the four people that died because of him, because of that stupid power he never asked for. How could he face Jim after all this? How could he go back on the Enterprise and do his job? 

He took another shattered breath and looked away from the screen: there was only one way to solve this. 

 

Raoul was staring outside the window of the bridge when he turned around and found two of his crew escorting Leonard into the room. “Leave us.” He said at them that nodded and left. “I’m surprised you’re already on your feet.” 

The other was standing with a lot of effort, but he didn’t wanted to give Raoul the opportunity to look down on him again. “I can walk just fine.” He said making few steps forward before grasp one of the chair to keep his balance. 

“I can see that.” Raoul deadpanned and turned the chair close by in his direction, “Come on, sit down.” He said and stared at the stain of blood under the device. “You’re still bleeding…” 

“I don’t heal, just as you said.” Leonard snorted uncomfortably, “Your little thing there isn’t that much of a wonder after all.” 

“Was that or lock you inside the capsule again.” 

“No thanks…” Leonard said looking around the large bridge: it wasn’t bright and full of people like on the Enterprise- there was actually no one with them at the moment, but he was sure that Raoul asked everyone to leave for a while. The console’s lights were blinking under his eyes and he saw San Francisco outside the window, some kilometer away and beneath them. “How can we stay here? No one noticed this ship parked outside the city?” 

Raoul smiled, leaning against the console, arms crossed, “I created a device that can block a mysterious energy, and you think we can’t make ourselves invisible?” 

_Invisible filter over the ship…_ , Leonard nodded slowly. 

“So, I guess you took your decision if you came all the way here to talk with me.” 

“I did.” 

“Well, that was fast. Tell me.” 

Leonard took a deep breath, staring at his still trembling hands. “I accept your offer… I’ll stay here until- until I’ll know what to do.” 

Raoul stared at him in silence for a long moment, and when the doctor looked up again, he asked, “What make you change your mind?” 

“As if you don’t know already…” 

“I’m a very curious man.” 

Leonard was expecting something like that. “I doubt I could go back to work like this- or go back living my life at all. Your toy seems to keep the energy under control, _barely_ , but it works, so… I don’t have many other options.” 

“You don’t want to ask help to Starfleet anymore?” 

“I will. When I’ll be able to go there without this thing on my neck.” 

Raoul was still staring intently at him, “No request?” 

Leonard sighed, “Just one. I want to warn my crew. I want to tell them that I’m fine and- that I’m sorry.” 

“You want to say goodbye to your Captain?” 

“It’s not a goodbye, and he’s also my friend. He deserves that much.” 

They stared at each other for a moment, and then Raoul smiled a bit, “What would you say to him?”

“That’s none of your business.” 

“Come on… I’m letting you stay if you tell me.” 

Leonard slowly leaned his back against the chair, “I don’t know… I would tell him that it’s not his fault, that I don’t blame anyone aside myself- and you, obviously.” 

“Fair enough.” Raoul shrugged and nodded. 

“Then he would probably ask me not to go, we could end up fighting… but in the end, he'll give up and respect my decision…” he huffed a low laugh, “Like he did with Sarah.” 

“Who’s Sarah?” 

“A girl I saw for a while, during the Academy. Jim didn’t wanted me to go out with her, so I had to fight him and in the end, he gave up and let me see her.” 

“Does that made me the Sarah of the situation now?” 

“There’s actually some resemblance… She turned out to be kind of a psycho as well.” Leonard commented tiredly. 

“Looks like you have a type.” The other smiled slyly. 

“Don’t make me regret my decision.” 

“Alright, alright… so you’re sure?” 

“Yes.” 

Raoul smiled a bit more honestly this time, maybe the first honest smile he showed since they met in the hotel. “Welcome back, then. I hope you’ll enjoy your stay.” He said making an ironic, little bow. “Better if I warn the rest of the crew… someone is not very happy to have a bomb aboard, so don’t expect hugs from everybody.” 

Leonard nodded, “What about Jim? How can I contact him?” 

“We should be able to come up with something… a secure channel to use, without Starfleet or anyone else putting their nose into it.” He said moving to the exit, “I’ll let you know. Feel free to visit the ship in the meanwhile. You have free access, now.” 

Leonard watched him disappear behind the door that hissed closed. He took a deep breath and looked at the city outside, against the sunset. “Sorry Jim…” he murmured, looking down at the controls still blinking his eyes.

.-.-.-.

“What you mean _he’s been called away_?” Jim asked in confusion at Uhura, “From who?”

“Spock haven't told me,” she said, “but I’m sure it was an important matter or he wouldn’t have left in a moment like this.” 

They met outside the Starfleet HQ that late afternoon, both in casual clothes and, in theory, waiting for Spock so they could keep searching information about the accident on the bridge, but the Vulcan was nowhere to be found. “Are you serious? We can finally find Bones and now my First Officer disappear? What is this, a plan to drive me crazy?” 

Uhura could only sigh, “You know he wouldn’t leave you without a reason. He said he’ll be back soon as he can.” 

Jim shook his head, passing a hand over his face, “Great. Just great, that’s- who needs the First Officer during a crisis, anyway? I should hire someone else while I can…” 

She smiled a bit, “Any news about Leonard?” 

“He’s gone. Again. No trace of him or Raoul Morten and his people, they vanished after the accident. People saw them heading to an abandoned factory, but we found nothing there either.” 

“So we’re sure it was Morten the person Leonard have met when he landed the first time… and the one that kidnapped him?” 

“Sure enough to want him for an interrogation. Admiral Janeway is sure that he’s connected to both Leonard and Claire Steel, but we still need to understand how… even if I think we know what happened on that abandoned planet.” 

“You do?” 

“There’s no way Leonard killed that girl, so maybe Morten wanted to make him look guilty. Janeway hopes I’m right about it, but for now, Bones is still the only one she can accuse for Claire’s death.” 

“At least until we’ll be able to prove he’s innocent…” 

“See what a mess this story is? I’m not a detective, that’s why I need a Vulcan. And where’s your boyfriend when I need him? No one knows!” 

Uhura sighed again. After a moment of silence, she shook her head, “I can’t imagine how Leonard is feeling right now… whatever happened to him, he’s fighting it alone.” 

“You think I don’t know that?” Jim said angrier that he intended, and this time he was the one to sigh, “Sorry.” 

She shook her head, “It’s ok. I know you’re worried. We all are. Sulu, Scott, all the others… They keep asking for Leonard, and now the accident… I don’t know what to say to them.” 

Jim keep staring at her, thinking, and then said, “Tell them everything. Meet somewhere private and explain to them what happened. Better have the crew ready for everything… just in case.” 

“I have to tell everyone? You should be present at an official meeting…” 

“Just the person you think should know about this. I trust your judgment. Sorry, but the last thing I can do now is having a meeting with Scotty getting ready to go kick Morten’s ass by himself… even if I would like to see that happen.” 

Uhura nodded with a slight smile, “I’ll meet with them right away. Keep me updated, ok?” 

“Same to you, if your boyfriend decides to come back.” He said and she nodded again, walking away. After a moment to take a deep breath, Jim turned around and away from the HQ. 

A day has passed already since the accident on the bridge, another day without Leonard McCoy, but at least they knew now that he was still alive. Hurt, probably badly, but still alive- and still kept hostage. Because that was something Jim was sure about: Bones was kidnapped after leaving the Enterprise. He wasn’t with Morten because he wanted to. 

Bones was heading to the city in the videos. He was trying to escape something or someone… he needed help, and Jim had not been there for him. 

The Captain of the Enterprise pushed away all the thoughts the second he entered Leonard’s apartment: everything was still a mess, no one tried to put some order in there after the police and the agents from Starfleet checked every inch of the place. 

Jim moved inside under the last rays of the sunset, sitting on the living room’s couch, from which he had a view of the kitchen. He tried to imagine Bones cooking in there- did he even know how to cook? He never saw him cooking more than a toast… 

He looked at his left, the sky turning dark after the sun was gone, and the sudden thought of him and Leonard in that same room crossed his mind: just the two of them talking and joking hit him like a punch. Why he never asked him to do something like that? A beer together, a dinner… a moment to talk about the future- and the past. Maybe all he had to do to gain Leonard’s trust was asking for it… 

“You look like you lost someone.” 

Jim jumped at the new voice, at that slight irony mixed with patience. He turned around ready to see his missing friend, but he found someone else, someone he didn’t recognize at first… 

“They turned this place into a mess, did they?” Raoul said, slowly walking into the living room, looking around, “Leonard won’t be happy about it.” He added, and a second later he was smashed against the wall, the furious face of the Captain few centimeters from his, “Woah there, Captain... bit edgy, are we?” 

“I’m gonna do so much worse if you don’t tell me where’s Leonard right now.” Jim hissed, tightening his grasp on the other. 

“I was just going to introduce myself first-“ 

“I know who you are! Tell me where Leonard is!” 

Raoul sighed and grabbed his shoulder, hitting him with a knee in his stomach, “I think you need to calm down a bit.” He said letting him go, moving away. 

Jim coughed, searching for air while grasping the wall to keep his balance. That hit was damn stronger than he could ever expect. He slowly turned around and saw the man looking curiously around, “How dare you- to come here?” 

“Me? I’ve known Leonard far before you did,” he said, grabbing a book, “Friends can come to each other’s house whenever they want.” 

“Friends? Funny, he never talked about you.” 

“Well, he never talked to me about you either, in these years.” 

“He didn't talk to you _at all_ in these years.” Jim said standing again, a hand over his stomach, “And I can easily see why.” 

Raoul smiled without looking up from the book, “Tell me. I’m curious.” He said sitting on the couch. 

“Because he’s _not_ your friend.” 

The mercenary hummed, keeping the sign in the book with a finger, looking back at him, “I think I could say the same thing about you, right now.” 

“I don’t give a shit about what you think.” Jim knew the type, and he wasn’t going to fall into his game, “I just want to know where Leonard is.” 

“On my ship.” 

“Then bring him back here.” 

Raoul blinked, “Why should I?” 

“Because you played with him long enough. You kidnapped him, you hurt him and I know you killed Claire Steel, so I’m going to send you to jail for the rest of your life.” 

Raoul smiled a bit more, “What a dejavù… you talked with Admiral Janeway, did you?” 

“Bring Leonard back here. I won’t ask you again.” 

“That won’t be necessary because he’s going to stay where he is. Just as he personally requested.” He added when the other stepped forward, ready for another fight. 

Jim didn’t wanted to lose his temper, but those words caught him off guard, “He what?” 

Raoul took a breath and then said, “Listen, I see you care about him, so the least I can do is telling you the truth. Leonard is… he’s not well enough to leave my ship right now, and not because he’s terribly injured, nor because I’m keeping him on my table of tortures- if I ever had one. Anyway… he have a problem and I’m the only one that can keep him safe for now. And he’s perfectly aware of it, I’m not forcing him to stay. I let him free to decide.” 

Jim’s mind saw too many terrible images hearing those words, “A problem? What kind of problem?” 

“Well, you saw what happened on the bridge. That was his doing.” 

“His doing? How he could- what the hell have you done to him?” 

“More like what Claire did to him,” Raoul commented blankly, “It was a surprise even for me, I assure you, but... it just happened.” 

Jim keep staring nervously at him. “That’s an interesting story. Why don’t you talk about it with Janeway? I’m sure she can’t wait to see you.” 

“To make another miserable figure again?” Raoul smiled apologetically, “I think I’ll pass. I just came here because Leonard can’t. It seemed fair for me to come talk with you.” He said, standing up. 

“You really think that I’m going to believe you?” 

“No, that’s why I got a message from him. He said you have to give up and let him be just like you did when he was dating Sarah.” Raoul said and saw his eyes open a bit more, “I don’t know if I should feel bad for this Sarah, but I don’t feel bad for you because leaving him alone it’s the best thing you can do right now. And your only option, anyway.” 

Jim swallowed and then said, “I want to talk to him.” 

“I told you, his condition doesn't allow him to leave my ship.” 

“What condition? What happened to him?” Jim insisted angrily. 

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll take good care of your doctor in your absence.” 

Jim grabbed his arm when he passed next to him, heading to the door, “If you think that I’ll just give up on him-“ and this time, he was the one smashed against the wall, two hands clutching at the collar of his jacket so tightly he could hardly breathe. 

“You honestly think you have a word on the matter?” Raoul hissed against his nose, eyes full of hidden fury, “I don’t care what you think or what you want. I came here only because I wanted to, and because Leonard cares about his little, useless captain… I admit I was also curious to meet you. I can understand now why he was so worried about these pretty eyes in tears for him.” 

Jim tried to move away, but those hands didn’t even flinch at his attempt, and he was quickly reaching his limit. But that look… he saw a similar expression of well-hidden madness only on Khan’s face.

“He’s gonna stay with me and you better give up and move on with your life. I have nothing against Leonard’s friends, but I can always change my mind. And same goes for Leonard himself, so I think no one should push their luck here. Got it?” That said Raoul threw him aside, on the floor, watching him coughing and searching for air. “It was a pleasure, Jimmy. I’ll let Bones know that you politely accepted his resignation.” 

Jim wasn’t able to answer even if he wanted to, so he just watched him leave the apartment. Still coughing, he grabbed Leonard’s phone and make a call, “Uhura, it’s Jim…come here- Bones apartment.” He managed to say with his ragged voice. 

 

Uhura arrived there ten minutes later, searching for him until he spotted the Captain at the computer, “Jim, what happened? You sounded so weird before-“ 

“Track signal.” He said and coughed again. “Can you track down my phone?” 

“Your phone?” She frowned and moved in front of the computer, looking better at him, “Jim, what happen to you?” 

“Can you do it or not?” 

She sighed, but nodded, sitting down, “I can, but why? Where’s your telephone?” 

“In Raoul Morten’s jacket.” 

She stopped and looked up at him, “He was here?” 

“Just passing by. He said that something happened to Leonard and that he can’t leave his ship- that he _doesn’t want to_.” 

Uhura frowned, “He would never-“ 

“I know, and Morten himself confirmed that to me.” He said with a little smile but saw her more confused than ever. “Leonard gave him a message for me: to give up and let him be like I did when he was going out with Sarah…” 

“W-who’s Sarah?” 

“Just a psycho… The point is that Leonard never asked me that. That time he asked my help to get away from that woman.” 

Nyota blinked and slowly a smile appeared on her face, “He wants our help.” 

Jim smiled back with a nod, “And we’re going to save him from the psycho once again.”

.-.-.

When Raoul came back on his ship, he already knew something wasn’t right and once on the bridge, he looked at his second in command’s tense face, “What happened? Why the ship is visible?”

“The doctor- McCoy damaged the console.” The poor man said, looking at the controls blinking like crazy while other parts were even smoking a little, “After you left we let him wandering around as you said, but then- then he came back here and started to use his powers… all the damn ship his damaged, we barely have control.” 

Raoul almost roared when he grabbed him by the neck, “I put the device on him for a reason! How he managed to use the energy?!” 

“We don’t know! He just-” 

“Someone saw him running away from the infirmary before coming back here and go crazy... I think he found Lyan’s body,” a woman said, moving closer, voice low and tense, “He almost killed himself using his power, he was bleeding like crazy… The energy almost didn’t stop even after we knocked him out and put him back inside the capsule.” 

Raoul stared at her and then let the man go, marching away like a fury until he was in the hangar, smashing a punch over the glass of the capsule, “I thought we had a deal.” 

Leonard was laying on his back, bloodstains under his neck, on the thin mattress of the cabin, and a cut on his cheek, but he was smiling. In pain, but he was smiling, “You mean the deal where I accept to stay here like a rat lab? Sorry, it stopped sounding appealing the moment you left.” 

“And this is better?” 

“You’re going to kill me too if I disagree with you? Seems like that’s a new habit around here.” 

“Don’t pretend to be the saint here, Leonard. I’m not the one to blame for Lyan’s death.” 

“The bullet you shoot in her head says otherwise.” 

Raoul snorted a cold laugh, “And who you think is responsible for that? She unlocked the communication after the cave exploded. She betrayed me- she died to help you.” 

Leonard’s smile slowly faded, “The signal… from the cave?” 

_So it actually worked?_

“And someone got it. They found the cave and enough proofs in there to charge you for Claire’s death. Congratulations.” Raoul nodded and watching his tense face, he could only shake his head, “Oh, McCoy... You really thought you were going to win this game? I doubt you even know the rules.” 

Leonard swallowed, “I think I know you enough to use some cheat… How was Jim, by the way?” 

Raoul was going to answer but something rang and he checked his pockets until he stared in confusion at a phone that it wasn’t he’s. 

Leonard almost cried recognizing Jim’s cellphone, “You should answer that one.” 

“Raoul, we lost the filter. We’re completely visible.” A man informed from behind him. 

The mercenary didn’t answer, staring at the phone while the whole ship started trembling. 

“I told you, you always miss something… that’s why you needed me.” Leonard said shivering, eyes still purple on his pale face, but he was still grinning, “And by the way, when you asked me if Jim would stay on my side against the whole Starfleet? I can assure you, he’s stupid enough to do that.” 

Raoul stared down at him in furious silence, grabbing hard the phone in his hand, ignoring the message he just received: _Captain James Kirk of Starfleet here. I think you have something that belongs to me._


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me starting this fic: I'm sure it won't be that long... maybe four or five chapters... 
> 
> Me now: ... well, that escalated quickly...

Jim was smiling while giving back to Uhura her phone, “I don’t think Morten likes me that much.” 

“He didn’t answer?” she asked, both of them walking quickly into the square in front of the Starfleet HQ. 

“Maybe he’s in the bathroom.” Jim grinned before noticing a lot of movement in front of the building, agents of Starfleet running in and out. He then saw Janeway at the entrance and reached for her, “Admiral, we know where Morten is!” 

“Yes, me too.” She nodded. 

“He’s- what? Really?” 

“We found his ship not too far, outside the city. No one noticed it there before, so my guess is that we somehow couldn’t see it until now.” 

“Maybe the ship has an invisible filter,” Uhura said, “But shouldn’t we be able to detect it?” 

“That’s what I thought, and what I want to find out.” The Admiral said nervously, “How you two found it, anyway?” 

They exchanged a glare, then Jim said, “I’ve met Morten in Leonard’s apartment.” 

Janeway looked surprised for a second, but she knew better than make useless questions, “What did he say?” 

“That Claire did something to Leonard and that he doesn't want to come back because of that- he tried to convince me about it, but he’s lying.” 

“How you know?” 

“Well, we- it’s long story, but let’s say that Leonard is good at sending hidden messages.” 

Janeway did not looked convinced, but she asked something else, “What Claire did to him?” 

“Morten didn’t tell me. He said that what happened on the bridge was Leonard’s fault, but I don’t see how that’s possible.” He said while Uhura’s phone rang and she moved away to answer. 

The Admiral thought for a moment, “We’ll get all the answers we need once I’ll lock Raoul in a cell. We’re going to reach his ship in ten. You’re coming?” 

Jim nodded and moved to follow her, looking back at Uhura for a second, but he noticed something in her expression that made him look again and move closer to her. She was still on the phone, a tense look directed at him. “What?” he asked. 

“It’s Spock. He needs to talk with you.” 

“I can’t right now, tell him that we’re going to get Bones back-“ 

“It is about Leonard,” she insisted, handing him the phone, “He says it’s important.” 

Jim sighed nervously and grabbed the phone. “Mr. Spock, you’re very close to lose your job-“ he started, but then shut his mouth and listened until he frowned in confusion, “Are you kidding me? He’s not-“ he stopped again, took a deep breath, then closed his eyes and shook his head, looking away, “And you’re sure about this?” 

Uhura kept looking worryingly at him, until he said something else and closed the call, staring at the phone. 

Jim looked at her after a moment, “Keep the others ready to join us. We’ll meet there- where Morten’s ship is… can I keep your phone?” 

She nodded and asked, “What about Spock? What did he say?” 

“Something I didn’t wanted to know.”

.-.-.-. 

Leonard couldn’t see the chaos inside the ship, not after Raoul and the others put the capsule into the shuttle again, talking about some kind of _emergency plan_ , but he could feel and hear people running around screaming orders… on the positive side, Raoul was too busy trying to save his ship to be there tormenting him.

The ship jumped a bit and the shuttle moved as well, making the Doctor blink awake, scared. They didn’t even lock the capsule to the shuttle's floor.

“Come on, guys… did I mess up the ship that bad?” he murmured with irony. He was getting used to the pain coming from behind his neck, but when he touched the thin mattress of the capsule beneath his head, he found blood on the fingers. “Damn it…” he murmured before looking up at his purple eyes reflecting on the glass: they were like that since the crew put him inside the cabin, and he was too weak to try get some control over the energy…. And also too nervous, too angry and too scared. 

The ship was constantly shaking now, all the few vehicles around the shuttle moving by themselves, and a car actually broke the locks and smashed against it, sending the capsule inside of it against the wall.

Leonard groaned hitting painfully on his left shoulder, “Can I suggest to abandon the ship? Women, children, and people locked in a capsule first…” he sighed and tried to turn around, pushing on his elbow, and then the ship started slowly to rise vertically. 

The capsule moved against the end of the shuttle and Leonard slid down inside the little space he had, landing on the panel at his feet, almost standing on it. He tried to grasp the glass around himself, then the ship fell down in its normal position, but bending on the right. 

“Some can get him out of this deadly flipper?!” Leonard yelled, but got no answer: he could only pray for the ship not to crash down. Were they back in space? He had no idea where the ship was at the moment, if they were going to crash into the atmosphere or somewhere else. The doctor tried to look from the little windows of the shuttle but he could only see few lights flickering. 

When the ship died around him, when the real fall started, Leonard recognized the feeling: he felt the same sensation when the Enterprise was falling on Earth during the fight against Khan, like being inside a metal box in free fall from the top a skyscraper. The shuttle moved forward this time, before quickly gain speed in reverse and crash against the hangar’s walls: the same thing happened to the capsule, and the doctor flew inside of it, hitting his head hard enough to lose consciousness. 

 

“Bones! Bones, wake up!“ 

_Stop calling me Bones…_

“Wake up- hey!” 

A strong thump made Leonard flinch and open his eyes- that he promptly closed again because of the pain coming from the side of his head. 

“Bones.” Another thump, weaker this time. 

Groaning through the pain, Leonard blinked again and this time he could see lights flickering in the shuttle that seemed also strangely inclined on one side- or maybe it was just the capsule; he had no idea where was up and down anymore. He turned to his left and found James Kirk’s concerned, wet face, staring at him with his blue, incredibly shining eyes, a hand open on the glass while the other one closed in a fist. “Took you long enough…” he murmured.

Jim huffed a laugh, almost a hysteric one, but his shoulders dropped in relief, “You didn’t make it easier for me.” 

Leonard tried to keep down a sob, but it escaped somehow when he took a deep breath, “It’s really you this time…” 

The Captain frowned a bit, then swallowed down the millions of questions he wanted to ask. “We’ll have to search for Sarah and thank her for being a psycho, don’t you think?” 

The Doctor smiled a bit, relaxing just slightly. 

Jim took a deep breath, slowly thumping his fist on the glass again, looking around, “Listen, the ship crashed, help will be here soon…” 

“You’re alone?” 

“Yeah.” 

“How you get here?” 

“Huh- I’ve stolen a car. You know, one of the flying car the Academy use…” 

Leonard blinked and just murmured: “For once, I won’t complain…” 

“Good choice.” Jim looked down on his right, then back at him, “I’ll try to get you out, alright? Don’t move. You’re hurt.” 

“Am I…?” Leonard blinked to clear his vision a bit and notice some bloodstains on the glass. 

“I think you hit your head in the crash so, stay still.” 

The doctor sighed and then he suddenly blinked awake again, looking around but there was no one. “Jim…? Jim?” 

“Yeah?” the Captain quickly moved back next to the capsule, studying him up and down, “What?”

Leonard felt stupid, but… “Just checking.” 

“For what?” 

“That you’re not-“ he shivered, then tried again, “That you’re actually here.” 

Jim placed a hand on the glass again, “I am, and I’m not going anywhere without you this time.” And when the doctor nodded, he moved back to the console located almost above the Doctor’s head, “Just keep in mind that next time you ask for a leave without giving any details, I’ll stalk you down, got it?” 

“Alright...” 

“There’s a lot of other rules I came up with while going crazy searching for you, but first I’ll get you out of here and then I’ll list them out one by one just for you.” 

“Can’t wait,” Leonard commented staring at the glass, and then he noticed it: his eyes were still purple. “Wait… don’t open it.” 

“What?” 

“Don’t open it. Jim-“ he tried to roll on his side and a flash of pain from his back made him regret the movement. Looking up, his Captain was crouching next to him, just few millimeters of glass separating them. “Don’t open the capsule… too dangerous.” 

“It’s not, I can-“ 

“Don’t you see my eyes? They look normal to you?” 

Jim was staring at them, “It’s because of Claire’s powers?” 

“You know about her?” 

“We do- well, Admiral Janeway told me. She knew Claire and her history. Then we discovered the rest.” 

“How?” 

“People on New Vulcan got a message from Claire’s planet, along with a series of video diaries of her, where she said everything that happened to her since she joined Morten, and what he did to her.” He grinned a bit, “Nice work, Bones.” 

“I- I sent just my message out… Somehow I’ve sent everything.” He murmured, surprised. 

“Why she gave you this power?” 

“She didn’t mean to. She was going to die… I was running from Raoul and that cave was the only place where I could hide, and then… then this happened.” 

Jim sighed, “Why Raoul called you in the first place?” 

“He wanted me to-“ Leonard stopped just a second before saying everything about Raoul’s request: Khan’s blood. 

Jim noticed the change on his face, “What? Bones, what he wants from you? Why he searched for you after all this time?” 

“He wanted something I couldn’t give to him.” 

After a moment of silence, the other said, “He didn’t ask you out for a date, right?” 

Leonard blinked and looked at him ready to yell something, but the young Captain was smiling. A little, sad smile. “Are you-“ he murmured, then laughed a bit, “Yeah, sure… but I said no, so he kidnapped me.” 

“What a bitch.” 

“That’s too gentle for someone like him…” Leonard sighed, thumping his forehead against the glass. He was too tired even to keep his own head up. 

“He didn’t know that your Captain isn’t used to give up on his crew members,” Jim said, voice more serious. “And that I would come to take you back, one way or another.” Jim quickly brushed something away from his wet face, trying to smile a bit, “You won’t get rid of me so easily, Doctor McCoy.” 

Leonard stared at him in silence, then blinked slowly, looking down, “I guess I will, if we both die in here…” he commented. 

Jim felt something strange in his voice, as if he wasn’t really listening, but the doctor was right, they had to leave. He stood up and fall against the capsule when the ship shuddered again. He looked at his right, at the end of the shuttle. 

“What’s the problem?” Leonard asked, watching him. 

“Nothing.” 

“That’s your _we have a problem but I don’t want to admit it_ face…” He insisted and when Jim didn’t answered but just moved back to the controls’ panel, he sighed and tried to push himself on one side, “Tell me what’s wrong.” 

“Nothing I can’t fix.” 

“Jim… I can’t deal with your probably lethal heroism right now.” He sighed, and the Captain moved back next to the capsule.

“The ship crashed into a lake.” Jim said, “It shouldn’t be that deep, but one side is going down quicker than the other.” 

“Let me guess: we’re on the wrong side?” He commented, noticing just then that also Jim’s hair and clothes were wet.

“That’s why I need to get you out of here.” 

“I told you, you can’t do that. This capsule is the only thing stopping me from becoming a bomb. I don’t know how to control this power… and you saw what happened to the bridge.” 

“Yes, but I can’t just leave you in there-“ 

“You have to. I- damn it, listen to me!” he hit the glass when the Captain was going to walk away again, and he stopped, “I’ve hurt people. I don’t want to hurt you too.” 

Jim smiled a bit, “In that case, you’ll be there to patch me up.” 

“Not this time, kid. This is- I can’t stop it, it’s-“ Leonard shut his eyes and grasped the inside of the capsule while more pain flashed from the device into his neck. He could feel blood sliding down his back, and hear nothing but his own heartbeat for a long moment until Jim’s voice break through the pain, and Leonard found himself attached to the glass, closer to his friend that he could, crying in pain and fear. 

“Bones, talk to me.” That was all Jim could do: try to talk his friend out of it, watching him suffering like in his worst nightmare. “Listen, I don’t care about you becoming a bomb. You’re going to die anyway if I don’t get you out of this capsule and take that thing off of your neck-“ 

“I need it,” Leonard cried, anger slipping into his voice, “I need this damn thing on my neck- and the capsule… everything is supposed to help me control this power but it doesn’t work and it fucking _hurts_.” 

Jim was ready to use his bare hands to destroy the glass, but then some cracks appeared on it, along with little, purple flashes that made him step back. 

“I can’t control it. I don’t know how…” Leonard sighed, laying down again, trying to keep breathing: even something so simple was becoming painful. He looked at his friend with tired eyes, “I’ll wait here for help… for Starfleet, the army, I don’t know, but I can’t leave this capsule yet. You should-“ 

“Don’t you dare-“ 

“You should leave and- Jim…” Leonard watched him stood and walk back to the controls the second he said those words. “I’m trying to keep you safe, damn it. If not even the capsule is going to stop me, then how- what am I supposed to do?” he saw him reappear in his line of sight, staring down at him with a serious expression. 

“The controls are too damaged, anyway... I have to move you with the whole capsule outside the shuttle.” Jim said and walked around it until he stopped at the other edge, grabbed it and started pushing. 

“Jim…” 

“Shut- up.” 

“You know you can’t move this thing.” 

“Tell me something I don’t know.” He hissed pushing harder than he could. 

Leonard thought for a moment, staring up at his purple eyes, and then said, “You’re not the worst Captain I could’ve had…” 

“Well, thanks- good to know.” 

“I mean it.” He said more seriously and looked down at him, standing at his feet, hands still grasping the capsule but he’d stopped pushing. “I think I’ve never fucked up so bad in my whole life…” Leonard sighed, closing his eyes over another wave of pain.

“There’s a first time for everything…” Jim said, preparing to try again, “But it’s fine, as long as we can fix it.” He started pushing and almost slipped: there was water brushing at his ankles. 

Leonard looked around and then pushed up on his elbows, staring down around the capsule, “Is that water or am I imagining things?” 

“Just your imagination, Bones.” 

“Jim…” 

“No. Whatever you’re going to say, the answer is no.” 

“Can you just- stop pushing this thing, you can’t move it!” he yelled and cried again at the pain from the device. _If this thing is gonna hurt me every time I get angry, better just kill myself now_ , he thought sadly. He looked at his Captain again, and he had actually stopped: he could see Jim’ shoulders moving up and down too fast, head bowed forward between his arms. “You’re not going to drown in this shuttle with me.” He said and saw Jim’s typical fighting glare, “Don’t even think about it.” 

“That’s not up to you.”

“Like hell it’s not. You’re here for me, and I’m telling you to leave.” 

“Exactly. I’m here for you, so if I leave, you’re coming with me.” That said, Jim walked back to the other side of the shuttle to close the entrance’s door, ignoring Leonard’s angry rant. Looking around, he saw more water flowing from other cracks on the sides of the vehicle. He tried to think about a solution, but a cry of pain from the other room forced him to go check on his friend, and his heart broke at the view: he never saw Leonard in so much pain, so hurt, angry and sad at the same time. He could just imagine what a hell he had lived since he was kidnapped. “Bones, listen-“ 

“You’re shitting over everything I’ve done for you…” the doctor said laying on one side, staring at the floor of the shuttle, too tired even to be angry. “Watching your dead body once wasn’t enough… now I’ll have to see you drowning because of me- and then die myself. Thanks for that.” 

“We’re gonna make it, ok?” 

“We’re not. You can, but you can’t listen to me even while I’m dying.” 

“You’re talking bullshits, so no, I won’t listen.” 

Leonard said nothing, slowly shaking his head while another wave of pain washed all over his body, making him flinch. 

“Bones, we need to talk.” 

“You just said you won’t listen to me…” 

“ _You_ have to listen to me.” 

Leonard almost laughed, “Sure.” 

“I’m asking you as your Captain. I need you to listen.” 

“You really think that’ll make any difference right now?” Another strong hit against the glass made him jump and look up a bit: the said Captain was angry. 

“I don’t know what Raoul did to you in the past, and I have no idea what he did now to make you think so low of me, but it ends here and now.” Jim said staring straight into his purple eyes, voice strong and serious, “He’s not your Captain, he’s not your friend, and you shouldn’t listen to him or trust any of the bullshits he tried to put in that skull of yours. I’m here now, and if I say that we’re gonna make it, you have to believe me.” 

Leonard stared back at him in silence for a moment, and then said quietly, “I promised to Claire that Raoul would’ve paid for everything. If we both die in here, no one will stop him… and I’ll never forgive you for let _that_ happen.” 

Jim keep staring nervously at him, but his face changed a bit at those words. “So you want me to leave you here and hope the others will find you in time, while I’ll go after Raoul? That’s what you’re asking me?” 

“Yes!” the doctor answered angrily, but the fury slowly faded and he just dropped his head down. He knew that was the only thing that could change Jim’s decision: revenge for a friend. It was a low blow, but if it was necessary to keep him alive, so be it. “I can’t go back out there knowing that he’s waiting for me… he has to be stopped.” 

Jim stared at him in silence while more water was flowing into the shuttle, the ship sinking quicker than before. “Fine.” He said in the end, “If that’s what you want.” 

Leonard sighed in relief. “Thanks… now get your ass out of here and kill that son of a bitch.” He said and saw Jim staring at him for another moment before stood and left without looking back. 

He slowly lay down on his back again, looking at the water dripping on the glass above his face, thinking about the terrible mess he caused, the pain Jim would’ve felt forever for abandoning him if help were not going to make it in time… _It’s the only way. Raoul must be stopped. No one deserves to live another hell like this…_

“BONES! I’ve got an idea!” 

“ ** _Goddammit_** , can’t you just let me die in peace!?” 

“It’s gonna work, trust me!” Jim said, the usual smile back on his face when he ran back next to the capsule, “I’ll get us both out of here, but I can’t do it from here. I-“ he looked down at the rising water, then back at him, “Whatever happens, I’m not leaving you, ok? I’ll be here, just- not _right here_ , but we’re gonna make it.” 

“Wha- Jim, what the- wait!” 

“Hang in there, ok? Don’t give up on me!” he yelled running away. 

“Are you kidding me? Jim, the damn ship is sinking!” Leonard tried to look back, but the Captain was already gone and he’d reached and passed his limit: the device into his neck was constantly sending flashes of pain by now, and he was exhausted- he just wanted to close his eyes and forget about everything… but Jim was still there, trying to save him. 

“You better not die in there,” Leonard murmured and jumped when the shuttle moved again, sending waves of water over the whole capsule that hit the side of the shuttle again. The doctor thumped against the glass with another yelp of pain, and then his heart skipped a beat when he saw water quickly filling half of the room, creeping at the edge of the glass around him, dripping inside from the cracks. He stared worryingly at them and forced himself to keep breathing. _Jim is here, we’re gonna make it… we’re gonna make it…_

In the control room of the shuttle, Jim sat on the chair and started to use every control he managed to recognize. “Alright…it shouldn’t be too hard,” he murmured until the console finally flashed online. “This should do…” he pushed a lever and the shuttle turned a bit, hitting the walls of the ship’s hangar, water splashing everywhere. Jim smiled when shuttle started to vibrate. He checked everything once again, waiting for the right amount of power he needed. “Hang in there, Bones!” he screamed without looking back, and then pulled up: the shuttle jumped forward at full speed, destroying the doors of the hangar, flying out of the ship and above the lake, landing close enough to the shore. 

There were alarms beeping inside the shuttle, water dripping from the damaged roof, a big crack in the frontal window.

Jim straight up on the chair with a groan, looking around, sighing in relief at the view of the field in front of him and, more far away, the city. “We made it… Bones- Bones!” he unsteadily left the chair and opened the door of the control room, grabbing the sides of it just in time to avoid falling down: half of the shuttle had cracked during the landing and was laying abandoned more ahead. Jim quickly found a way to descend and ran to it, finding the capsule upside-down under the remains, half in the water. 

“Bones- hey!” Jim crouched next to it, checking inside, where his friend’s body was floating in the water filling most of the capsule. “Damn it!” Jim grabbed the edge of the capsule to flip it, easier than trying to move it, and when he felt it descending on the other side, he moved away and let it fall with a hard thump. The glass was badly cracked, but still intact and Leonard still unconscious into the water. “Bones!” he yelled thumping on the glass, but it was useless. Desperately looking around, he grabbed a metal tube and aim at the glass for a second before smashing it on it, but the glass did not break. 

Jim felt the hit vibrating in his whole arm, but he tried again, the water flowing too slowly out of the capsule. “You’re not going to die now… not- now!” he kept yelling and at the second hit, a web of cracks suddenly appeared all over the glass that, after a second of stillness, finally collapsed, reversing all the water out. 

Jim dropped the pipe and grabbed Leonard’s shoulders, removing the pieces of glass from his face, “Bones- Bones!” he checked his pulse and found no heartbeat. A second later he grabbed his face and started a mouth-to-mouth respiration, pushing on his chest with both hands right after, helping him breathing and then pushing again, “Don’t you dare… don’t you fucking dare…” he kept saying without interrupting the procedure until he was starting to feel sick as well and stopped, in need of air for himself, staring at the pale and bruised face of his friends for a terrifying long second.

Suddenly, Leonard coughed once, weakly, before a storm of coughs helped him expelling all the water he had drank in the capsule. 

Jim quickly helped him to stay on one side, not enough energy, nor air, to say anything yet, just grasping hard his shoulder, feeling him alive again under his touch. 

When the coughs reduced, Leonard dizzily looked up at him, so much closer and clear without the glass separating them. Blinking away the water, he coughed one last time, “You-“ and he was cut off by a hug that left him with an even smaller amount of air in his lungs, but he didn’t complain. He could feel Jim shaking with silent sobs, and he started doing the same, slowly moving an arm around him. 

When Jim moved a bit away, Leonard was already missing the warmth of his body. “I-“ he tried to say again, but this time was a kiss that interrupted him. He couldn’t avoid flinching a bit in surprise at the hands cupping his face, grabbing Jim’s arm while staring at his eyes closed until the kiss deepened enough to make him do the same, ignoring all the madness around them. 

Leonard flinched more, this time in pain, and then saw that his hand was burning Jim’s jacket. He tried to move away, but the other just trapped him into another hug, “Jim- Jim I’m burning you-“ 

“It’s ok.” 

“No, it’s not. Let go… I can try to-“ 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Isn’t your fault… Jim, let go-“ the fear growing in his heart was making his hands shaking again, and the smell of burned clothes wasn’t helping.

“I’m sorry, Bones. Please, forgive me.” Jim murmured into his ear.

This time another kind of pain hit Leonard, like a blade in his stomach and looking down, that was exactly what he found: a knife was pushed into his side, and Jim was the one using it. Blinking in confusion and surprise, he looked up. 

“I’m sorry,” Jim was saying again, tears in his eyes, “It’s the only way.” 

Leonard kept staring at him while a cold shiver ran through his body: anger, betrayal, sadness… and that kiss just a moment ago… 

“Bones-“ 

Before he could shove him away, someone else did it for him. 

Raoul screamed in fury before jump on the Captain, smashing him on the ground, rolling away from the capsule, punching him with incredible strength before kneeling over his chest, grasping the collar of his shirt, “So that was your plan? Pretending to be in love with him just for stabbing him in the back?” another punch, “That’s something not even someone like me did before.” And another one. 

Jim tried to cover, but only after that last punch he managed to gain enough space to kick him away, rolling away with his head still screeching after the hits, his vision blurred from the blood into his eye. 

“That doesn’t make you so much better than me, you know?” Raoul said quickly standing up again, “And Leonard actually tried to convince me that you were different from the others… the irony.” He kicked him in the stomach once, twice, watching him gasp for air on the ground. 

“You know nothing.” Jim managed to say, staying on one side, trying to protect himself more than he could. 

“I know that you killed him,” Raoul hissed, grabbing his gun from under the jacket, “and that’s why I’m going to kill you.” That said, he aimed at the Captain’s head, but a hand grabbed his arm and he turned, surprised to find Leonard standing next to him. 

“I don’t need you to protect my honor.” Leonard hissed and placed the other hand on his face: Raoul screamed in pain, his skin burning, and jumped back, letting go the gun and making some meters away before fall down. 

When his cries lessened, Raoul looked up with his still good eye, keeping a hand over the injured side of his face, watching the doctor standing at his feet, a hand over the knife still in his side. He could see the blade between his bloodied fingers. “How can you still protect him? He tried to kill you- he-!” 

A gunshot echoed on the shore, cutting the voice off. 

Leonard was staring down at Raoul with his purple eyes. More precisely, at the hole he had made a few centimeters away from the mercenary’s head. “This is to clear my debt,” he murmured, “but don’t think even for a second that we’re even: _you_ owe me one now. And I swear, If I’ll see you again around me, or my family and friends again, I’ll kill you, Raoul.” 

Raoul stared at him for a long moment, then shook his head and slowly stood up, “I really don’t get it... He betrayed you- he tried to kill you and you still think he’s worth any mercy from you?” 

“I’m asking myself the same thing about you,” Leonard said, voice cold, angry eyes fixed on him.

They stared at each other for a moment before Raoul turned around and left, disappearing into the night.

Jim was slowly sitting up, watching the mercenary walking away. He looked at the Doctor and then at the knife still there in his side, blood flowing over his shirt. “Bones…” 

He turned to look at him, the hand keeping the gun shivering. 

Jim noticed it, but also noticed the sadness into his eyes, where the purple was flickering on and off.

Leonard’s grasp on the gun tightened before he just dropped it. He was on his knees and laying on the sand after a second, in a world so dark and full of blood that he couldn’t stand it anymore: closing his eyes, he wasn’t sure if Jim was calling for him, but even if he was, he refused to answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was hoping to say that this story would've been 10 chapter long + the epilogue, but the post-battle chapter turned out pretty long and had to be split in two, so... hopefully 12 chapters in total? ...


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Days ago, I asked my friend for a song that could help me relax and he sent me a link to Ólafur Arnalds - Þú Ert Jördin, and it mix so many feelings in itself and it was so perfect that I keep it in loop while checking this fic, and still listening to it. It also makes these last chapters very dramatic lol but really, is a lovely music to relax and focus.

James T. Kirk was proud to say that he never intentionally hurt anyone that didn’t deserved it- or asked for it. He was also well aware of his own strength and how easily he used to end up in a fight if the opponent was pushing just enough so, growing up, becoming a Captain of Starfleet, he tried to stay in line. He tried to learn something from Spock’s coldness, and that _something_ turned out to be simple behave, even facing the worst.

Khan almost sent him out the right track and, even if Jim would never admit how satisfying had been punching Harrison until he couldn’t feel his fingers anymore, that time on Qo’noS, he knew how immature and useless that action has been, guided only by anger and need for revenge. 

Maybe that was the reason why having Leonard’s blood on his own hands, on his shirt and jacket, was making him feel guilty- and dirty, in a way that he never felt before. 

He had finally found Leonard; everything was supposed to go just fine after that… 

Jim shivered at the memory of Leonard’s face when he stabbed him. He never saw the Doctor’s face so contorted, so many feelings changing his expression, from surprise to confusion and then betrayal and pain and fear and anger… his Bones never looked at him like that, like he always tried to trust him for all this time, just to see his hopes destroyed in a second of weakness. 

And that wasn’t what Jim was searching for- not at all. He just needed more time, but then… then the kiss happened, and he wasn’t expecting Leonard to kiss him back. Jim kissed him because he wanted to; because, after seeing him almost die in front of his eyes, he _needed_ to, but then Leonard started panicking, growing more and more scared, unable to control his powers, and Spock’s words rushed back into his mind… Like one of those orders he would be happy to ignore. But this time he couldn't, and Leonard was shaking into his arms.

The moment after he was stabbing his best friend, praying not to kill him on the spot. 

That was the worst thing he could have done, but there was no time. Leonard suffered too much already, and he hoped the kiss would’ve helped… Instead, he got the opposite reaction: the doctor clearly took that kiss like the final betrayal- as if trying to kill him wasn’t enough. 

Jim was almost grateful when Raoul jumped into action, punching him like a beast because, yeah, he had kidnapped the doctor and throw him into that madness, but when he said that not even him betrayed Leonard like that in the past- sadly, Jim believed him. 

He could believe it because, after everything that happened, Leonard still didn’t kill him... he let Raoul go, and even if Jim missed some parts of the discussion they were having, he saw how Leonard looked broken when he turned to his Captain, how the gun trembled into his hand, maybe ready to rise again. It didn’t, but what Jim saw was even worse: Leonard looked like he wasn’t even surprised about what happened. 

Jim dropped his head into his hands closed into tight fists against his eyes. 

After Leonard crashed on the ground, he moved closer and called for him, but the doctor was long gone and bleeding… Jim didn’t take off the knife; he ripped a part of his own shirt and placed it around the weapon to slow the bleeding while repeating _I’m sorry, Bones I’m sorry_ , hoping for the doctor to hear it. 

After a while, all the cavalry finally arrived: police, Starfleet, the military were suddenly all around the lake. An army of nurses and medic pushed Jim away to check on him, while others took care of Leonard and quickly put him into an ambulance directed to the nearest hospital. They helped Jim into another one and take him away as well. 

He had no idea of how bad his own conditions were. All he wanted to know were information about Leonard: were they going to take him to the same hospital? Was he still unconscious? Was he going to die? 

The only answer he got was that yes, they were taking him to the same hospital. He couldn’t even remember how, but suddenly he found himself into a hospital’s room, someone shooting two hyposprays into his neck and putting patches on the cuts over his face. Five minutes after they left him alone, Jim was wandering around the hospital with three broken ribs still in need of care and a buzzing head. 

A doctor tried to talk with him, but Jim was ready to fight her if no one was going to tell him what was happening to Leonard McCoy, so she patiently told him that he was under care right now, preparing for the operation. 

“Operation?” 

“He was stabbed.” She nodded seriously, “You saw who’s responsible for that?” 

“Me. It was me.” Jim didn’t actually think about the consequences of that sentence at the moment, he didn’t even notice the doctor’s glare becoming more serious- and slightly confused. She just said no one could see doctor McCoy for now and took him back to his room, checked his ribs and gave him some painkillers, telling him to stay there, rest and wait because she would’ve personally keep him updated about McCoy’s conditions. 

Was at the first lights of the dawn that he actually regretted his confession, the night before. 

After spending way too many hours alone in his room, she came back saying that the operation was completed; that even if they couldn't remove the knife yet, for reasons the doctors still had to understand, luckily, none of his organs seemed to be damaged. Jim could see him, but just for a moment. On second thought, she probably did it on purpose, but Jim was too worried and still partly in shock to notice anything. 

When he stopped in front of the window of Leonard’s room, Jim sighed in relief: he found the man half-awake, but probably still under heavy post-operation drugs… he looked dizzy and so pale, so hurt, but alive, at least. 

When Leonard looked in his direction, everyone heard the doctor’s heartbeat going crazy all of sudden, through the machine next to him: he looked away, murmuring something else that made the nurse frown and look up at the Captain. 

Jim already knew what was going on, and it hurt terribly knowing that Leonard was afraid… He was afraid of him. 

“Captain, this way please,” the doctor said grabbing his shoulder, gently, but with no intention of letting him go while they both moved outside, in the corridor. 

After that, Jim didn’t say a word, silently walking back to his room with the doctor and three guards of the Hospital. He didn’t say anything even when two members of Starfleet came in to take him away, looking unsure about the orders they had to respect, but handcuffed him nonetheless. 

Jim didn’t protested. He didn’t even looked at them. He was taken into a car, then inside the Starfleet HQ and into an office for another three hours… and he was still there in the morning, fists against his eyes, trying hard not to cry because he wasn’t sure he would be able to stop. 

After a while, he heard strong and fast footsteps approaching the office, but he didn’t look up, not even when the door opened and closed, and more footsteps moved in his direction. A hand rested on his shoulder and he took a deep breath, “Yes, I did it. And I really hope it was worth it… for your own good,” he said, finally staring at the man in front of him, and blinked tiredly, “Mr. Spock, you look almost worried.” 

The Vulcan was staring at him the same way he looked watching his Captain dying in front of his eyes. And he had all the reason for it: Jim was so tired, so heartbroken, eyes watery from tears he was refusing to let go. “I’m very sorry I wasn’t here.” 

“Well, you were on the case... and you saved the day once again.” 

Spock sighed, kneeling in front of him to unlock the handcuffs, “Why you let them arresting you? You had a good reason to use that dagger. You could’ve explained that you-“ 

“Spock, I had to impale Leonard’s body tonight,” Jim said slowly, “and I would joke about that all day, if it wasn’t that I physically, actually stabbed him with a knife- and almost killed him.” He took a deep breath, “After something like that, usually it’s you who explain others what happened.” 

Spock looked down apologetically, “I am truly sorry. I tried to come back faster as I could.” He said while the handcuffs clicked open.

“I’m sure you did,” Jim said with cold, slight irony, but then shook his head, staring at his bruised wrists. “I know you did.” He repeated more seriously. 

“Admiral Janeway should be here shortly. I have sent to her all Claire’s diaries before leaving the meeting with-“ 

The door banged open and Janeway’s angry glare flashed on both of them, before she took a deep breath and forced to calm down, probably a reaction to Kirk’s sad and tired expression. “One of you can please explain to me why I got notified that Captain Kirk was arrested due to his confession for having _attempted to Doctor McCoy’s life_?” she asked approaching them, looking at Spock, “And how did you get Claire’s diaries? What the hell is going on here?” 

Before Jim could do anything, Spock stood up in all his Vulcan's cold determination, “I was informed about strange files they received on New Vulcan, along with a message directed to the Enterprise. I meet them and they showed me the same message Admiral Kennell received a few days ago, Doctor McCoy’s message, along with what I identified as Claire Steel’s diaries. Files that I have personally sent to you, Admiral, the moment I was sure about their authenticity.” 

“Well, you clearly leave out some details, because I don’t recall any warning about having to kill Doctor McCoy,” she yelled.

“May I ask you if you have examined the first few video-diary?” 

“Yes, I did.” 

“So do I, and with the help of my people, we discovered about an ancient knife kept in Starfleet’s archive that could’ve been used to help Doctor McCoy get free from the energy that was going to kill him. I was confident Captain Kirk being the closest one able to retrieve it in time.” 

“He didn't have to-“ 

“It was something I had to do.” Jim finally said, without looking up, “It was my responsibility.” 

Janeway frowned, “Your respon-?”

“What the Captain is trying to say,” Spock interjected before the Admiral could continue, “is that he cares very much about his crew, and Doctor McCoy’s situation was a personal matter, for all of us. That’s why I thought to warn him, and only him, about the procedure necessary to save Leonard’s life while the others were taking care of the enemies.” 

“So you’re saying that stabbing him to death was the only way to save him?” 

“Kill Doctor McCoy was not needed, but, yes, the knife had to be used that way to actually work.” Spock nodded, “Nonetheless, from the few pieces of information I’ve obtained, I’m confident about Doctor McCoy’s recovery.”

Janeway took another deep, long breath, looking between them, “He was actually using the same energy that killed Claire?” 

“He was.” Jim nodded, standing up and looking at her, “And he couldn’t control it, so I used the knife like Spock said… it was the only way to take the energy away from him before it was too late.” 

“You almost killed him, Kirk.” 

“I’m aware of that.” 

They stared at each other for a moment, then Janeway said, “I have got most of Morten’s gang so far, but we’re still searching for him... You were there before us, you saw anything that can help us track him down?” 

“I was busy trying to save a friend- stabbing him with a knife,” Jim answered with a cold, low voice. “I saw no one there, just me and Doctor McCoy.” 

The Admiral kept staring at him, then slowly nodded. “I want you to stay at the hospital and keep an eye on McCoy until we’ll be sure that he’s not in danger anymore. Raoul or someone of his crew could still try to approach him.” 

Spock frowned slightly, “There were other Starfleet units at the hospital already, you could ask them to-” 

“I know, but I won’t.” She interrupted, granting a patient glare at the Vulcan before look back at the other, “You’re not under arrest, of course. I’ll inform the doctors about the situation.” 

Jim nodded and watched her leave. When the door closed, he looked down again. 

“We should go,” Spock said, “I would like to know the details about Leonard’s conditions and-“ 

“You go. I don’t think I should show myself- not yet.” Jim said and saw him frowning again, “Spock, Bones remember that I tried to kill him. He freaked out when he saw me after the operation- and I was outside the room. I can’t just suddenly appear next to his bed. Last thing he needs right now is a heart attack.” 

“He was in post-operation and probably not even able to recognize you at the time. Jim-“ he gently grabbed his arm when the other was already shaking his head, “Maybe he was scared, but you’re not the only reason. He needs time to recover, to understand, and he will. I’m sure he will listen to you.” 

“And what if he doesn’t?” 

“From what I remember, that’s never been a problem for you, before. It shouldn’t be a problem now. _Especially_ now.” 

Jim stared at him and took a deep breath, nodding in silence.

.-.-.-.-.

All Leonard could feel was pain. Pain everywhere, even in the air he was breathing- and that was all he could notice between the few seconds he was awake, before passing out again: he remembered the crash of Raoul’ ship, the capsule- that damn capsule…

 _“Let’s put him there at three… one, two- three!_

Pain, more pain, so much pain… 

He also remembered seeing Jim outside the capsule: Jim talking, getting angry, getting desperate, sad, and leaving him… and then the water. So much water he couldn’t breathe anymore: he was drowning in the capsule that had become his coffin- he was going to die in the cold, dark water… 

_“-to another attack- give me that- keep him down!”_

Then the water was gone, the darkness let him go and Jim was there, so close, so much closer, and he could finally touch him and hug him… and kiss him like he always dreamed about, but never dared hope for… 

Then the knife- Jim trying to kill him, and blood, blood everywhere and Raoul’s laughing… 

He noticed a blonde man not even a meter away from him and he just wanted to go away, he tried to say that he wanted to go away from him, from everyone and everything- why the world couldn’t just leave him alone for a moment?

And then it was silence. 

Leonard didn’t know where he was, but he was staring into a dense mist and all he could do was watching pieces of memories slowly passing in front of his eyes: from the moment he left the Enterprise, meeting Raoul in the hotel and the journey to Claire’s planet, to what happened there- and what happened after her death… The power, the fear, the confusion, the accident on the bridge. Raoul ready to help him, and Leonard refusing to give up, and then the chaotic conclusion with Jim putting end to his misery. 

_I don’t want to see all that again…_ , Leonard thought before blinking awake in his office on the Enterprise. 

“What the…?” Everything there was exactly like he remembered it. He looked outside the window behind himself and saw the immensity of the universe, the stars flickering in the darkness. Confused, he stood up from the desk and walked to the door, studying the rest of the Med Bay and jumped a bit when he found Spock at the entrance. “Oh God, this must be my personal hell…” 

“Hell, Doctor?” he asked, tilting his head a bit.

“I’m pretty sure I’m dead and it looks like I’ll be doomed to keep a Vulcan with me in the afterlife,” he saw him smile patiently, a little, very slight smile, but enough for him to understand. “I’m- I’m not dead?” 

“No. You are still very much alive, Doctor.” 

Leonard took a deep breath and sat on one of the bed, passing a hand over his face. 

“You don’t seem to be happy about it.” 

“I don’t know if there’s anything at all to be happy about, right now.” Leonard said looking back at him, “If I’m not dead, then what happened? Why you’re- are you spying inside my head?” 

“I didn’t meant to, but it was necessary,” Spock said moving closer, standing few steps from him. “You remember what happened?” 

“I remember being stabbed.” 

“Jim did what was necessary to save your life,” Spock said, “I’m here also to give you some explanation. We discovered about that knife, a very ancient weapon, that could be used to take that energy away from you. I have personally discussed with Jim about it, and I can assure you he wasn’t happy to have to hurt you… but there was no other way.” 

Leonard said nothing for a long moment, then asked, “Did it worked?” 

“Yes. You no longer own Claire Steel’s power.” 

“If it worked and I’m not dead, why you’re here?” he asked again, looking at him with a cold expression, “What happened to me?” 

“Your body is still recovering, but it’s taking longer than it should. I fear it’s a consequence of keeping that energy for so long, but I’m confident the effect will disappear with time.” 

Leonard took a deep breath, “It’s not just about my body, isn’t it?” he asked, “My mind doesn’t want to wake up. That’s why you’re here.” 

“It is not my intention force you to wake up, Doctor. I know you’re not inclined to let me use my abilities on you. But I will help, if you want me to.”

“And just put your nose in my memory in the meanwhile.” 

“My interest is just about the ones about your kidnap.” Spock said, voice more serious, “We need them to understand what happened to you. We waited, hoping to spoke personally with you about it, but-“ 

“Since when I'm sleeping?” 

“Four days.” 

“And my wounds are not healing?” 

“They are, but very slowly. Based on human’s standards.” 

“So the knife wound is still bleeding?” he saw him nod, and a question came to his mind, “Did you pull it out?” 

“It is not possible yet. I presume the knife is still absorbing the energy. Most of it is not in your possess anymore, so I'm sure we’ll be able to take it off shortly.” 

“What about the device on my neck?” he put a hand on it but found nothing. 

“It’s still there.” Spock said sadly, “Its location and structure makes it too difficult for an operation. We’re trying to figure out how to remove it.” 

Leonard huffed a cold laugh, “You could just let me die, then… nothing changed.” 

“Everything changed,” the Vulcan shot back, “You’re not a prisoner anymore. You’re safe and alive.” 

“But I don’t want to wake up. I guess that’s too subtle for a Vulcan to understand.” 

“I could try to understand, but I refused to dig deeper into your mind, Doctor.” 

Leonard looked intently at him, “Jim asked you to?” 

“No. He just asked me to make sure you were still here… and tell you that he is sorry for what happened.” 

The other said nothing, looking down again, “You got what you wanted. You can leave now.” 

“Leonard-“ 

“Get out my fucking mind, Spock.” 

The Vulcan stared at him, but eventually, he disappeared in silence. 

Leonard kept staring down for a long moment before looking at the little piece of peace around himself… The only thing he could think about as a safe place was the Enterprise. 

.-.-. 

 

“…even I could be a better nurse.” 

Leonard blinked awake hearing those words. Looking at his left, he found Nyota bandaging his hand. He stared at her for a moment before slowly moving his fingers and saw her jump, looking up. “Last time I saw you… I was taking care of your hand.”

Uhura was normally beautiful, but watching her smile so caringly at him was another level. “Oh, Leonard. Thank God…” she sighed, keeping a tight grasp on his hand and saw him flinch a bit. “Sorry. A nurse tried to put a needle in your veins… and failed miserably.” He sighed, lessening her grasp.

“It’s ok…” he murmured slowly. “How long…?” he didn’t finish, but she understood the question anyway.

“You’ve been here for almost a week by now, since we got you back.” She smiled sitting next to him, on the bed. 

He took a deep breath, feeling slight pain at every movement, “How much morphine are they using on me?” 

“Enough to let you sleep. You’re still injured- and you’re not healing fast as you should.” 

“Yeah, Spock told me... during his visit.” 

“We were so worried you wouldn’t wake up even after he talked with you…” 

_Me too_ , he thought sadly. “Can you drop the morphine down a bit? I can’t even think straight…” 

“I should ask your doctor-“ 

“I’m my own doctor. Please. I slept more than enough.” 

Uhura sighed, but moved to the console next to the bed, “Just a little bit, and I’ll inform the nurse about it. You’re still injured. You don’t have to do anything but rest.” 

“I will, just- no more drugs.” Leonard took some deep breath before look at the door, “What’s the situation outside?” he asked and flinched a bit at the pain from moving his neck: the device was actually still there. 

“Most of Morten’s crew was arrested. Admiral Janeway is still searching for Raoul… Jim said he didn't see him when he found you, but she’s sure he’s not dead in the crash.” 

The doctor froze for a second, digesting both names, Raoul and Jim, in the same sentence. _But Jim knows that I let him go_ , he thought. 

“I doubt he’s still on Earth, but the Admiral wants to be sure,” Uhura continued. “I told Jim to come here and tell you everything by himself, but he said that you wouldn’t be happy to see him yet.” 

“You don’t say…” he murmured coldly. 

“He also said that he understands if you’re- if you’re nervous to see him around you.” 

Leonard was the one frowning this time, “Nervous? Are you trying to say that I am scared of him? I’m not scared.” 

“He was here after your operation and you… Apparently, you panicked when you saw him.” 

The doctor blinked, surprised. “I thought it was just my imagination… but that’s- I just got operated, and I was drugged and probably still in shock- who’s the idiot that let him see me?”

“I’ll give you the names when you’ll feel better,” She said with a little smile of relief. “So… he can come to visit?” 

“No.” Leonard’s answer was fast and tense, and they both looked a bit surprised about it. “N-not yet. I don’t want to see anyone for now… but you can stay. You're- you're good.” 

She nodded, but the smile faded a bit. “He was really worried about you, Leonard. He feels terribly guilty for what he did to you.” 

“Spock said it was the only way to save me.” 

“It was, but that doesn’t make it easier to accept.” 

Leonard looked down and groaned at the pain from his side. He carefully checked under his tunic, his bandaged torso and the big patch over his side, stained with red, “They removed the knife?” 

“Just yesterday,” she nodded, relieved. “The wound is still bleeding, though.” 

“Stitches?” 

“Five of them. I’ll call the nurse to change the bandage.” 

Leonard watched her leaving the room before taking a deep breath and brace himself for the long days that were waiting for him. 

 

It turned out that the doctor taking care of his case was even more stubborn than him. If he had any memory of drugs, injections, radiation from the explosion, or reactions Leonard could recall after the energy hit his body, the doctor wanted to know.

Leonard’s answers were short and cold, not interested in giving away more than necessary, and all the doctors and nurses were well aware of that but didn’t protest- or maybe they couldn’t, or didn’t want to. Most of them knew Leonard McCoy, and apparently, he was famous for hating being taken care of from anyone but himself. 

Uhura stayed with him all the time like he requested, but when she asked if Spock could join them, his answer was no, and she didn’t insist on it. 

The first day after his awake was just questions and answers, then sleep, sleep and more sleep until the morning after, when Leonard woke up in a different room, with the nurse explaining that they needed to check his status again, now that the knife has been removed. He nodded, he was ok with that, but he suddenly became aware to be not ok with the capsule they moved him into. Not ok at all.

Leonard blinked and saw the glass closing around himself. It took him five seconds to freak out. 

Spock had switched turn with Uhura that morning, giving her some time to rest, ready to face the consequences of his sudden presence there. He had just left the elevator when he heard screams of anger, pain, and fear echoing in the whole floor, and he started running when he realized that was Leonard’s voice. When he found the right room, there were three nurses and two doctors trying to keep Leonard into the medical capsule, now open, while three men of the hospital’ security were on the ground, two of them with blood flowing from their nose. 

The Vulcan quickly approached and pushed the people away, placing both hands on Leonard’s shoulders, gently, but firmly keeping him still: there was blood on his tunic, right where the wound in his side was. “Doctor, please, calm down.”

“Take me out of here- let me out!”

“The capsule is open. Everything’s alright.” Spock could see he wasn’t listening, probably didn’t even noticed he was there. “Leonard, I'm here. Look at me.” 

After a moment, he did. Slowly, breathing fast and kicking weakly, his eyes focused on the Vulcan, fear making him shiver. “Spock...” 

“Yes, it’s me. It's alright.” 

“Don’t let me stay in here, please- I can’t stay in here. Don’t leave me here…” 

Taken aback from the tears he saw in his friend’s eyes, Spock gradually understood. “I won’t. We will take you back to your room.” He said with a calm and clear voice and lessened the grip on him only when the Doctor sighed and closed his eyes, trying to regain some control over himself. 

 

Jim arrived at the hospital that afternoon, searching for Spock until he found him in the corridor, looking out the window. “What happened? I heard Leonard was in emergency again?” 

“He had a panic attack,” Spock informed him, “I presume it was a reaction to find himself inside a capsule again.” 

Jim took a deep breath, angrily murmuring something impossible to catch. “He almost died inside one of those… Damn it, they didn’t know?” he snorted in the end.

“The staff said they weren’t informed. A checkup was needed after removing the knife. If Leonard can’t stand it, there are very few other options to improve his conditions.” 

“He still doesn’t heal?” 

“His body hasn't registered any changes after the knife was removed.” 

“What about the thing on his neck?” 

“The doctors are still not sure how to remove it, and Leonard is not helping about it.” 

Jim frowned, “What you mean?” 

“He’s not giving them much information, and last time a doctor tried to touch the device, he almost bit his hand.” 

“He bite-?“ Jim stopped there and just groaned, sitting down on the chair close by. “God, what a mess…” 

“He didn’t seem to have lost his temper, at least. We should take that as a positive thing.” 

Jim sighed. “He said something about me?” 

“Nyota told me that she talked to him about what you did in order to save his life, but…” 

“But he still doesn’t want to see me.” He nodded sadly. 

Spock sat next to him, thinking for a moment before asking, “Jim, are you sure we shouldn’t talk to Admiral Janeway about Morten?” 

The Captain looked at the corridor in front of him, those few meters separating him from Bones. “Not yet. That’s up to Leonard. I’m sure he had a reason for what he did as well,” he said, and the other nodded in silence. “I- I’ll go talk with the others. They’re all worried sick… say to Leonard that we're all waiting to see him back on the Enterprise, alright?” he said, standing up.

“Jim.” Spock called, and the Captain looked back at him. “Leonard didn’t ask me to stay. It just happened that I was here when they took him there for the checkup.” 

“Right… and- why you’re telling me?” 

“Because I know that all you want right now would be to stay with him, and you can’t. As I told you already, just give him the time he needs.” 

Jim felt himself blushing, so he coughed and said, “I just want him to be fine. He can hate him all he wants… If using that knife we saved his life, I would do it again.” 

Spock stood as well and put a hand on his shoulder, “You won’t have to. He will be fine.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame Haven for the late update. My brain can't simply go on into one single ship at the time for too long... also, I promise that angst and feels will stop... somewhere, at some point.

Three more days passed before Leonard forced himself to sit up, despite the pain and the warnings of the nurses. The wound in his side was still bleeding through the stitches, not severely, but enough to keep him weak and in need of an occasional transfusion. The food he could keep down came only via IV, also used to keep him hydrated, because his throat seemed to close a bit too much every time a glass of water entered the room. Admitting that drowning in a capsule was giving him PTSD was something he physically couldn’t tolerate, so he kept that detail for himself. 

Despite the little problem with the water and the lingering pain coming from his side and neck, Leonard keep saying to be fine, all considered, but he slowly became aware that maybe he didn’t _looked_ that fine, because there were worried faces around him every day, tense glares that sure didn’t help him. 

The only moments of peace were, ironically, when Spock was in the room: maybe the Vulcan could sense Leonard’s distress, or maybe was just Spock being bossy as always, but after the first days he spent there, he made some accord with the doctors, electing himself as Leonard' supervisor. So every time he crossed the door, he would ask everyone else to leave. Proving that he was indeed able to take care of him alone, he left no reason to the nurses to complain. So Spock just sat quietly outside the room, or on the couch inside, sometimes with a book in hand, or a pad or other documents.

Leonard still felt embarrassed about the accident in the medical capsule that happened some day before and that, along with millions of other reasons, didn’t allowed him to talk much with the Vulcan- or ask him to leave… he was indeed embarrassed, but not ungrateful to the help he was receiving. He kept quiet most of the time, and Spock respected his silence.

With the morphine at a lower level, Leonard’s nightmares didn’t give him much time of good sleep, and multiple times he jolted awake in fear, just to find Spock studying him from the couch, waiting. He was probably ready to do everything, even sneak inside a bottle of whiskey, but his presence was enough to make Leonard take a deep breath and lay down again, saying nothing. 

At the end of the third day, Leonard needed to sleep so much that he was close to start screaming. 

“Doctor.” 

He opened his eyes and the Vulcan was there next to the bed. He had to look terrible if Spock actually decided to move into action. 

“You need to rest and clearly you’re having difficulties to do so. I can ask the nurse for something to help you.” 

Leonard shook his head and slowly grabbed his arm, placing his hand over his forehead, eyes closed. _Just help me sleep_ , he thought, wondering if he could really hear him, and apparently, he did: Leonard was out in few seconds, dreaming nothing at all. 

 

This time, when he woke up, he felt a bit better for once. Even the pain seemed to have lessened… and it was warm over his head. Blinking, he saw a hand moving away and Spock calm face looking down at him, sitting on a chair next to the bed. Leonard sighed, feeling guilty, “Did you slept at all?” 

“Enough for my standards.” He nodded.

“Sorry.” 

“No need. It wasn’t necessary to keep a constant control over your mind. You were sleeping fine even without my help for a while.” 

“That sound very sweet…” he sighed tiredly and Spock nodded as a welcome. Moving a bit his head, Leonard groaned feeling the device brushing on the pillow. “When _this_ nightmare will end, I wonder.” 

“I’m sure we’ll find a way to remove it.” 

“I’m not.” He snorted, then thought for a second and said more convinced, “Help me get up.” 

“You shouldn’t-“ 

“I should, and I can. Now help me or I’ll do it myself and rip the stitches.” 

Spock stood up and grabbed his arms to help him sit, watching him hiss in pain. “Based on the location of your wound, a sitting position is not suggested to-“ 

“That’s why I want to stand.” Leonard interrupted and saw him frown, “Spock, I’ve been moving from a bed to another all week. I need to see that my legs still work.” He was sure the Vulcan wouldn’t let him, but instead, he grabbed harder his arm and swirled it around his neck, keeping him up with no effort. 

“There’s a place you particularly want to go, Doctor?” 

“Huh…” it was always weird being so close to Spock, but the need to move won over the awkwardness. “’Guess the club is out of the question, so the window’s fine.” 

Spock nodded and moved both of them in front of the large window: the sky was cloudy and the wind was moving the trees… a storm was coming. 

Leonard stared at everything for a moment before carefully move free from him and stood by himself, placing a hand against the wall for support. He knew his legs were working fine, he was just so damn weak and tired from the constant pain. “Why no one came to arrest me yet?” 

“Arresting you, Doctor?” 

“You saw what I did… about Morten.” He said, looking sideway at him. 

“It was Jim’s choice to let you decide what to do with that information.” 

“He asked you to keep it secret?” 

“He thought it was a personal matter to you,” Spock explained, “It would be wiser to capture the man instead of letting him go, but I feel I don’t have enough information to come to the fairest conclusion on the situation.” 

“You basically think we’re both idiots.” 

“I’ve never thought something like that. Capture Raoul Morten was indeed the right choice, but if both you and Jim thought that it wasn’t, I presume the reason was more human-related… Therefore, difficult for me to completely understand.” 

“And yet, you didn’t say anything.” 

“I have learned, by now, to trust our Captain’s ability to compensate my lack of humanity.”

Leonard huffed tiredly, but there was a light smile on his lips. “Is not that difficult to understand. I had a debt to repay with Raoul. Letting him go was the only way to kick him out of my life once and for all.” 

“Very human-related, as I thought.” 

The doctor sighed patiently, looking outside. “They’re still searching for him?” 

“Yes. Admiral Janeway ordered to place checkpoints all around the city.” 

“Good luck with that… Raoul isn’t that stupid to stay in the same place for too long.” 

“Your information would be helpful. The Admiral also expressed her desire to talk with you when you would agree to-“ with a quick movement, he grabbed the doctor before he could fall down. 

“When I’ll be able to stand for more than five minutes, sure, I will.” Leonard sighed while moving to sit on the bed again, a hand over the injured side. He thought for a long moment and then said, “Spock, can I ask you a favor?” 

“Of course.” 

“I need air… I need to get out of this room for a bit.” 

“I don’t have the permission to-“ 

“I am a doctor and I’m giving you the permission,” he said looking tiredly at him, “I have no intention to die yet, but I need to breathe fresh air. I feel trapped in here and another panic attack in your presence it’s the last thing I want to happen.” 

Spock tilted his head a little, “That’s not something you should be ashamed about. Helping you is the reason why I’m here.” 

“I know, but I don’t need help, I just-“ he was almost yelling, so he forced himself to stop and take a deep breath before continue, “I want to stay alone for a moment. Out of this prison.” 

Spock stayed silent for a while, until he finally nodded, “As you wish.” 

 

Fifteen minutes later, Leonard was sitting in a wheelchair guided by Spock, heading to the exit of the hospital. He told the Vulcan that the wheelchair wasn’t necessary just because he didn’t like it, perfectly aware to not be able to walk around by himself yet, but Spock had been clear about it: if he wanted to go out, he was going to use a wheelchair.  
It was risky for Leonard’s wounds to move so much, but Spock also knew that he needed a moment to collect his thought. They would have deal with nurses and doctors later.

Once they reached the little park behind the hospital, Leonard took a deep breath, grateful for the hoody Spock forced him to wear, and the sweatpants Nyota brought to him last time she passed by because the air was cold. 

The wheelchair stopped in front of the metal banister facing a little pond, few people were slowly walking and talking around them. “I’ll make sure no one will come bothering you.” Spock said, moving in front of him, “I’ll come get you back in twenty minutes. The patch on your wound will need to be changed by then.” 

Leonard nodded slowly, “Thanks.” He saw him nod and turn to leave. “Spock… I mean it,” he added and the other stopped again, “Thank you.” 

The Vulcan smiled a bit and walked away. 

Leonard watched him disappear through the trees, wondering if he was actually going to leave him alone. Taking a long, slow breath, he turned to look at the pond, staring for a long moment at the water that made him shiver again. 

“A storm is coming,” someone said, close by, “You should go back inside.” 

Leonard didn't moved, but his voice became colder, “A storm doesn’t scare me.” 

“What scares you, then?” 

“The fact that I’m not killing you on the spot, right now.” He looked to his left, finding Raoul Morten standing few steps from him, staring at the pond, protected by a long, blue jacket, a hood coming from beneath it, hiding his hair.

“That’s very nice of you, actually.” Raoul murmured with a light smile. 

“You’re just lucky that I can’t stand long enough to break your neck.”

“Oh, you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?” 

Leonard took another deep breath, forcing himself to stay still: the last thing he needed was to break the stitches. “I thought I was clear about not wanting to see you again.” 

“You know I don’t like leaving without saying goodbye.” 

“And you know there’s a Vulcan watching my back. He doesn't go easy on people that hurt his friends.” 

“I know, but he’s fighting with your Captain at the moment,” Raoul said turning around to look at the park, leaning his lower back against the banister, “and I came in peace, anyway.” 

Leonard was able to see the other side of his face, the side he burned with his hand, now hidden under some bandages that also covered his left eye. “You’re not welcome here.”

“I was worried about you. Seriously.” He said looking at the wheelchair, then at him, “They didn’t touch the device, did they?” 

Leonard was ready to yell something, but he was too weak to keep the rage up for too long. “They almost did, before realizing that I could die, touching the wrong wire.” 

Raoul nodded, “Told you not to play with it.” 

“I didn’t. They-“ he stopped when Raoul threw a little metal box on his lap. Staring at it, he asked, “What’s this, a bomb?” 

“You really are a pessimist, aren’t you?” the other huffed. 

“Then what is it?” 

“You’ll need that to remove the device,” Raoul said, sitting on top of the banister, “It’s gonna hurt just like when I put it there, but then you’ll be fine- and hopefully, start healing again like a normal human being.” 

Leonard blinked in surprise, “That’s why I’m not healing? Because of that thing?” 

“It probably kept some of the energy in itself, _that’s_ the problem… it shouldn’t work that way, but you didn’t exactly give me the chance to fix it.” He said, “Once it will be deactivated, it’ll stop working. I needed some time to make sure no one could use it again, so feel free to throw it away when it's done.” 

Leonard stared at him for a long moment, “If you think this is gonna fix what you did-“ 

“Not at all,” he interrupted, “Let’s say that you earned the reward. My intention wasn't to kill you… and God help me if I’ll let some bunch of stupid doctors do that, playing with something they can’t even understand.” He said looking nervously at the hospital. When he looked back at him, Leonard was staring in silence. “I know you hate me, but I can’t repay my debt if you die, right?” He asked with a grin.

“You could just do that. Let me die.” 

“Why should I?” Raoul frowned, “Leonard, maybe you’re still a bit confused, but I’m not the one that stabbed you to death.” 

"No, you're just the one that kidnapped me and almost got me killed by a magic energy not made for humans to keep." 

"At least I was honest about it," Raoul said, crossing his arms.

Leonard wished he could just jump on him and drown the man in the pond. “He- it was necessary to free me from Claire’s powers. That knife absorbed it… and I don’t heal fast enough to recover from that.” 

Raoul pondered the information for a moment. “Well, you will. I wonder where the knife is, right now…” he said and saw his angry glare reappear. “I’m just kidding… you know I’m curious.” He commented with a little grin, then saw him studying his damaged face with a serious expression, “You did a good job on my beautiful face. How it looks?” He said passing a hand over the bandages. 

“You can see?” 

“No. Left eye seems long gone… I’ll need some special medication as well when I’ll leave this damn planet.” He sighed. “I’m not mad at you. I kind of asked for it, after all…I mean, I hurt your Captain, you burn half of my face. Seems fair enough.” He shrugged with an ironic smile.

“You think I did it only because of him?” 

“No, of course not… it was also because I kidnapped you and almost destroyed your life,” he said as if they were having the most casual conversation.

Leonard studied him for a long moment before speak again, as calm as he was, “You know, I’ve had a lot of time to think about everything that happened…”

“Oh? And what’s your conclusion, Doctor McCoy?” 

“The conclusion is that the story about the energy was just bullshit. You were not interested in that power... you never been.” 

Raoul looked curiously at him, “I know you think I’m crazy, but I made all this for a reason, you know?” 

“Yes, to save Claire’s life. You even created a device that could help her control the energy... You were actually trying to save her. God’s knows what stupid mistake you've made if you needed my help to fix it- and clearly you know better how to kidnap a member of the Starfleet than admit when you’re wrong.” He waited for an answer, an ironic smile, a sarcastic comment, but what he got was just silence and he stopped for a second at the realization: “You actually cared about her. She told me that it was your dream… but we both know you never give a shit about that stuff. You just wanted to give it to her... as some kind of crazy gift.” 

“Wow, you really are on the case…” 

“If I’m wrong, tell me what you needed that power for.” Leonard shot back, looking at him with a serious expression, but when no answer came, he just took a deep sigh. “You were in love with her?” 

Raoul stared at him for a long moment, then looked down. “There would’ve been benefits for everyone letting her having that power. I guess we both thought too much of each other.” Raoul said quietly, “After we discovered what kind of power it was, how dangerous it was, she saw me as a monster that just wanted to use her, and when she left, I saw her as a traitor… you were called just at the end of the fight.” 

“You put me there, Raoul.” 

“I know… and I’m sorry about that. I really am.” He said, voice strangely low and serious, “But when I said that I wanted you back in my crew, I mean it. I had no idea you were so much into Starfleet… or should I say so much into your Captain.” 

“That’s none of your business, and you knew I wouldn’t go back to that life. I left for a reason.” 

“It makes me selfish if I was hoping for you to not be happy here?” 

Leonard nodded slowly, “Yes. But I already know that you’re a selfish bastard.” He said and saw him smile sadly. That smile made him think about the Raoul he knew in the past, the man that came to save him from a dark, so much darker fate. He was already a mercenary at the time, and he had always been crazy… but he cared about his crew- in his twisted way. He always cared to keep Leonard alive, saving his life multiples times… That's what pushed him to stay with Raoul for two years, after all: they both hated losing someone. Raoul more than him, apparently. “Why you let me go if you needed me so much?” 

Raoul blinked in surprise, then laughed, “What was I supposed to do, lock you in a cell?” 

Leonard snorted, “As if you couldn’t do it.” 

“And you could’ve just left without asking for my permission.” He smiled a bit at the look the doctor sent him for that. “I appreciate it, actually. That also why I let you go.” 

Leonard wished to be angrier with him, but if the battle left him sore, mentally and physically, now even Raoul actually looked like he was accepting the defeat... and he knew that feeling. “I tried to stay with your crew, you know that.” He said in the end, “I told you what I could do and what I couldn’t. I told you about my limits-“ 

“And I know you have none of that,” Raoul finished for him with a cold, serious voice, “I never thought you were weak… I hated you, and I still do, only because I know you are everything _but_ weak.” He hissed, anger creeping into his voice, “And we both know that you didn’t leave because you were scared of me, nor of that life. You left because you saw that you could become something more. You still can. Am I wrong?” 

“It wasn’t-“ 

“Am I wrong?” he repeated, eye locked on his. 

Leonard took a deep breath, without look away, “Just because I can, doesn’t make it the right thing to do.” 

Anger seemed to flow away from Raoul like water and he stared at him in silence. 

“I made a choice back then,” Leonard added, “I decided what I wanted to become. I’m still surprised you accept it… but I’m thankful you did.” 

“You think it was easy to lose a friend?”

Leonard looked at Raoul’s cold expression and decided to say nothing. 

Was Raoul that looked away this time. “You want to know why I let you go years ago? It’s for the same reason you’re letting me go now.” He said, his voice again low, and vaguely sad, “I haven’t forgotten. And I know you haven't either.” He finished, and the doctor silently looked down.

Some voices started echoing into the park and Raoul looked around before jump down the banister. “I’ll respect your decision. Now I know you have a pretty blonde reas- I mean, I pretty _good_ reason to stay here.” 

“Not sure about that anymore,” Leonard didn’t mean to say that aloud, and he saw the quite surprised expression on Raoul’s face. Talking like this, without tension and threats… They used to talk a lot when they were in the same crew, and suddenly, just for a second, he missed that. Only for a second. “You’re still able to show off only the worse out of people… ‘Guess you did a hell of a job here.” 

“It never worked with you..." Raoul said slowly, studying him, "Seems like you have a bigger admiration for your Jimmy than I thought.” 

Leonard was nervously staring down at the metal box into his lap, so he jumped when Raoul placed a hand over his shoulder, talking into his ear. 

“I think you’ll need to find a better excuse if you want to leave Jim as well. I doubt he will let you go without a fight like I did.” Raoul smiled slightly when Leonard shoved him off. “Well, I think you’ll know where to find me when you’ll need me. Until then, I’ll be busy running away from Janeway for the rest of my life.” 

“Have fun with that.” 

“I will… oh, you forgot this on the ship,” Raoul said, throwing Leonard’s phone into his lap as well. "I think you’ll need to change your password," he added walking away until he disappeared into the crowd of people leaving in fear of the storm. 

“Bones!” 

Leonard jumped a bit and hissed at the pain coming from the wound at the movement. A second later, Jim was next to him. 

“You’re alright?” 

“It’s incredible how you can be late every time…” he murmured without looking up.

Jim frowned, “What?” he then notice the objects on his lap, “That’s-“ 

“Where’s Spock?” 

“He- he’s coming too. We’ll take you back inside... what is that?” he asked, looking at the metal box. 

“Nothing.” 

Jim stared at him, then on the road and back at him again, “He was here, was he? Morten?” 

“He didn’t-“ 

“Why you didn’t call for help?” He interrupted, angry. “What if he’d tried to kidnap you again?” 

“I won’t wait and hope for you to come save me, that’s what!” He yelled back and the anger he was feeling was just enough to ignore the hurt he saw in Jim’s face. “Stop pretending to be a hero, alright? I had enough of you- and everyone else.” 

“Except Raoul, apparently.” 

“Well, at least he never abused me like you did. He was really impressed by your _kiss and kill_ technique.” And that was the limit his Captain allowed him to reach: a punch hit Leonard straight in the face and he fell on the ground along with the wheelchair. Yelping at the pain coming from his wounded side, feeling the stitches break, he looked up in surprise, a hand over his broken lip: Jim was standing there, so angry and so sad that Leonard actually realized what he’d said only when it was too late. 

“Doctor!” Spock reached them, sending a quick glare at the Captain before crouching next to the other laying on the floor. 

Leonard and Jim stared at each other in silence until the Captain turned around and left.

-.-.-

That same evening, Spock entered the room and found Leonard awake, lazily touching his wounded side: the doctor had been taken in for an emergency operation again few hours before, to check his wound and replace the stitches. When they asked how that happened and why he was outside, Leonard just said that it was his own fault, that he asked Spock to take him outside for a bit and he fell from the wheelchair. Just an accident.

Leonard heard the door closing and turned to look at him. “Not the tunic? Thank God.” He commented, staring at the gray Starfleet’ shirt he was keeping in his hand. Was hard to admit, but he was shivering wearing just his old sweatpants after the hoodie had to be washed because of the blood stains on it. 

Spock slowly moved next to him, handing the shirt. 

Leonard took it and put it on, happy to feel some warmth against his cold skin. Passing a hand over his hair, he looked up at him, “What?” 

Spock took a deep breath, eyes serious, but not angry. “Doctor, I accepted to keep what happened after the crash as a secret, as the Captain asked, but Raoul Morten’s presence in the city, and so very close to both you and Starfleet HQ it’s something that can’t be ignored.” At his silence, he continued, “It is something you shouldn’t allow, either. Why you didn’t called for us? It would be our chance to capture him.” 

Leonard leaned his back against the pillow and sat there in silence. 

“Did he threaten you again?” 

“No.” 

“Then why you haven’t-“ 

“Maybe because that would’ve meant to have him around for months- maybe years before being able to close the case. I just wanted to know that we’re not on the same planet anymore.” 

“He’s already sentenced to death, thanks to Claire’s diaries and also your testimony. Raoul Morten would be dead in less than four months, according to my knowledge on the current regulations, and you would be safe, and free from his influence.” 

“I’m not under anyone’s influence.” Leonard hissed angrily.

“And yet you let him go again.” 

“I don’t take orders from him if that’s what you’re thinking.” 

“I’m thinking that something is preventing you from seeing the consequences of your action.” 

“You really think I haven’t thought about it?” 

“Then _why_ you let him go again?” The Vulcan asked, voice serious and face impassive.

Leonard stared at him, angry and frustrated, but eventually just looked away. “I don’t know.” 

Spock keep quiet, then took a deep, long breath, and said more calmly, but same as cold, “The Captain warned Admiral Janeway about what happened this afternoon while you were in emergency. They have locked the perimeter around the hospital and all the accesses to the nearby areas.” And when the Doctor didn’t say anything, he took something from under his jacket, “I’ve kept them as you asked me.” 

Leonard looked up, grabbing his phone and the metal box Raoul gave him and saw the other turning around to leave. “Spock, wait.” He called after a sigh, watching him look back, one hand on the door’s knob. “What can I say to make you trust me?” 

“I do trust you, Doctor. My fear is that you are trusting the wrong people.” 

“I didn’t let him go because I trust Raoul... but I think that just kill him is not enough. His life will be a hell from now on, and that looks like a better sentence after what he did to me.” Leonard sighed. "And if I'll change my mind, I'll be ready to kill him myself."

Spock seemed to ponder his words for a long moment. “Sentiments are mutual, Doctor…” he said in the end with a blank expression, “I hope you’ll stay true to your words.” He then nodded as a salute before left. 

Leonard waited for the door to close before dropping his shoulder, taking a deep breath that sent a shiver of pain from the wound on his side. Then, he stared at the box and at the phone. 

_“I think you’ll need to change your password.”_

He turned the phone on, not surprised to find it unlocked, but because there were more than ten vocal messages waiting for him- all of them from Jim. Leonard took a long breath to find the courage to start listening, freeing Jim’s voice into the room: some of them were just little recap of the past weeks from the Captain’s point of view... others were something Leonard wasn’t expecting to hear:

 _Bones, where the hell are you? Because you’re not on board and no one thought to inform me about it since now… Let us know what happened, alright? Don’t make me worry for nothing._

_Hey, still me… The others told me we can’t track your position- and I know I shouldn't have asked for it, but we still don’t know where are you or what happened to you, and I hate not knowing things, so… call me back? Call Spock? Give me something to work on if you’re in trouble, alright?_

_Bones, we got your message- one of our ships did, actually, and- we reached the planet, found a body… you’re gonna pay for that pin trick, by the way. For a moment I thought- Anyway, seems like Claire Steel was someone important because Admiral Janeway called us back home without other explanations… they’re escorting us like criminals right now and I don’t know what to think. All know is that I can’t search for you if I’m stuck under interrogation and that’s- this is driving me crazy. But I’m not giving up on you, ok? Hang on a bit longer. I’m sorry._

_Leonard, I know you’re on Earth too. We saw what happened on the bridge, we’re going to make a team and get you back… listen, Janeway told me about Morten, Claire, and about you- she have a file about the time you were working with him. Why you never told me about that? Because, really, knowing about it from an Admiral wasn’t a nice experience…and I already don’t like that guy, by the way. I don’t like you being back with him, and I know you weren’t happy about it either- because he was the old friend you were forced to meet that day, right? The last time we talked- Spock, wait!_

_Bones, it’s still me. I’ll be out of here in a second, so… just to keep you updated._ There was a deep breath there, then Jim’s voice was more low, and sad, _Look, I’m sorry… sorry I didn’t take this story more seriously. I should’ve punched you in the face the moment you started bitching about secrets, but I thought- I mean, working as a mercenary, your Morten friend… why didn't you told me about it? You thought, what, that I would judge you for that? Me, of all people? Because I swear, if you’re thinking to give up on me, on Starfleet- that’s out of the question. You’ll come back with us and you’ll keep patching me up when I get my ass kicked. We need you here. I need you here… so wait for me, ok? I’m coming for you._

“Why you’re listening to those messages?” 

Leonard almost didn’t notice that the voice was real this time, coming from the doorway where his Captain was standing with an angry expression on his face. 

Jim shook his head in disbelief, closing the door and staring back at him with cold eyes. “After what you said, after what you did, why bother to listen to them again? To make fun of me? Of how much worried and scared I was? I’m sure you have something else to say, isn’t it? Let’s hear it.” 

Leonard tried to say something, actually, but the other cut him off before he could make a sound. 

“Because, really, that’s just what I need to hear after the last weeks of hell we’ve been through. You think that I've sent them because I was bored or something? I thought that every one of those messages could’ve been the last time you could hear me, so I just keep sending them- even if I never get an answer, because that was the only way I could talk to you! I stopped after the accident on the bridge because it was- it was pure chaos, so I couldn’t tell you what was happening or about what I had to do… and Spock told me to use that damn knife only when I was already coming to get you, so how I could’ve warned you about it?“ 

“Jim-“ 

“And I know, I know it wasn’t easy for you, but it wasn’t easy for me either. No one kidnapped me, but they kidnapped _you_ , you think that was easier to handle? You never told me about your past, if there's something you're worried about or- or scared about and I don’t know why! Everyone fear something, even me, even- even Spock can show his feelings better than you, and he’s only half human!” Jim stopped to breathe, looking so frustrated and sad, but never breaking contact with him. “But clearly that means nothing to you. You have to protect your damn secret life, even if knowing something about that would’ve made all the difference in the world this time. So, really, if you don’t care about me and what I think, why the hell now you’re listening to those messages again?” 

Leonard swallowed down the knot that was blocking his voice, forcing himself to answer- he had to. “Because I never heard them before.” He said quietly, looking down, “Raoul took my phone, I couldn’t… I didn’t know. I thought… I never thought that my disappearance would’ve been much of a problem to you.” 

Jim blinked, mouth open to say something that didn’t come out, so he closed it, feeling the anger slowly flowing away. He took a deep breath, dropping his shoulders, staring at his friend until he had to shut his eyes not to scream, shaking his head. “Of course you never heard them…” he murmured like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

“I wish I had…” 

Jim opened his eyes at the trembling voice he heard, finding Leonard covering his face with a hand, head down and shaking with silent sobs. He moved forward, sitting next to him on the bed in a second, dragging him into his arms, more than ready to keep him there forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This aftermath is driving my feelings crazy...  
> On the good side, keep in mind that this chapter should've ended as another cliffhanger after *that* punch. I'm a good person, see?....... well, I tried...


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter chapter mostly because I moved a part of it to the last chapter, as Epilogue... Because yes, we're almost at the end of this train of feels. Not sure if the Epilogue will stay together with Chapt 13 or became as Chapter 14, but yeah, we're getting there.  
> We're _slowly_ leaving the angst behind, BUT we're not done yet.

Leonard woke up slowly, strangely calm and without any nightmare sending his heart rate into overdrive. There was a weak gray light illuminating the room, probably wasn’t even the dawn yet. He stayed there for a moment, focusing on his own breathing until he noticed he could feel another one next to him. 

Looking up a bit, he found the sleeping face of Jim few inches away from his nose: the Captain was laying an arm over his stomach and the other one under Leonard’s head, close to the device on his neck, keeping it high enough not to push on the pillow. Leonard was half under the blanket while Jim wasn’t, so the doctor silently stared down at his body for a moment before taking a deep breath, the memory of the knife pushing into his flesh briefly crossing his mind.

Leonard could feel his eyes sore from the tears he cried last night. He could remember Jim’s anger, the messages that broke Leonard’s heart, realizing how wrong he had been, and then Jim coming to hug him until they both fell asleep… 

“Bones?” 

Leonard flinched and moved a hand over his injured side with a little gasp of pain, as usual. 

“You ok?” Jim asked quietly, voice still not completely awake.

“Yeah...” 

“Sorry, I fall asleep… I shouldn’t be here.” 

Leonard didn’t looked up, but instantly grabbed his shirt when he felt him moving away, keeping both of them in place. “It’s fine. You can stay.” He said and hated himself for sounding more nervous than he actually was. 

“Ok,” was all Jim said, moving a bit the arm still stuck under the doctor’s head. “You want me to move my arm?” 

“No.” 

Jim just nodded and let it there, slowly moving the hand closer to his shoulder but without grabbing it, just brushing against it, feeling his fingers a bit numb, but he didn’t complain. 

“You just scared me…” Leonard tried not to close into himself again, but he knew those were the wrong words when he felt Jim’s body going rigid, “I mean your voice, not- not you. I just woke up.” 

“Oh. Alright… sorry.” 

“You’re making this way more awkward than it is.” 

“I know, right?” 

Leonard could sense a little smile in his voice now, and that lessened the tension, both of them sighing. 

“It’s just that things tend to move to the worst every time we saw each other lately, and now I’m using your bed…” 

“That’s not-“ 

“I just want to be sure that you want me to stay here.” 

“I’m not kicking you out, am I?” 

“No.” Jim confirmed, sounding unsure, “But maybe that’s because you can’t or- I don’t know…” 

“Maybe I just want you to stay.” 

“Or just that, yeah…”

Leonard kept staring down at the body next to him, at his dark-blue t-shirt... He stared at his sleeping face just a moment before but now, for some reason, he couldn’t look up. Maybe because he wasn’t sure about what he would’ve found there. “Jim.” 

He jumped as if someone caught him doing something bad, making the doctor flinch as well, “Sorry. Sorry I was- checking.” 

“Checking what?” Leonard murmured patiently, massaging his side. All these flinches and jumps were a pain for his muscles. 

“Uh, the- this thing you have here. On your neck.” 

“That’s very nice of you.” 

“Sorry… I know it’s hurting you. Sooner we take it off, the better.” 

Leonard sighed, then looked around over the blanket, “Where’s-?” 

“Phone and box are on the bedside table, here…. My side.” 

Leonard breathed out, nodding slowly. “How it looks? The thing on my neck.” 

“It’s- wait, you don’t know?” 

He shook his head. “Raoul just put it there… never got my hands on a mirror yet.” 

Jim seemed to think about it for a moment. “It looks like a metal spider. It’s not that big, but I can see some kind of- claws going through your skin. The doctor said they are too tight and close to your spine to do anything…” he swallowed, staring at the black and gray device, “We’ll remove it somehow. We’ll find a way.” 

Leonard said nothing until he tried again, “Jim.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Sorry about what I said yesterday. I didn’t mean that.” 

A little, ironic, laugh came out before the rest, “You sure?” 

Leonard blinked and looked up, finding a sad and guilty look on his face that he didn’t like it. “I am.” 

“I kind of deserved it, anyway.” 

“No, you don’t. That’s why I’m sorry. I wasn’t- it wasn’t the best moment to make a conversation.” 

“Not with me.” Jim saw the hurt on his friend face before he looked down again. He sighed, “Sorry. I’m sorry, I- I can’t say anything right this morning.” 

“It’s just you being yourself...” Leonard deadpanned. He knew he deserved those comments, and he couldn’t say anything to defend himself. Jim was right, after all. Raoul was there yesterday, talking with him just a moment before the Captain rushed in and became the target of the doctor’s frustration. 

“Bones, I’m serious,” Jim grabbed his shoulder a bit, “I was just worried… and knowing that Raoul got closer to you, that he could’ve taken you away again… I don’t think my heart’s gonna make it through something like that a second time.” 

“He wasn’t there to hurt me or kidnap me.” 

“Then why he was there?” 

“To say goodbye.” There was a brief silence, and then he added, “That’s why I wasn’t screaming for help. I know he means no harm anymore… he has done more than enough.” 

Jim kept caressing his shoulder, thinking, and then said, “Spock told me what you said before I came here yesterday… That kill him wouldn’t be enough- and that you’re ready to do it yourself.” 

“I know none of you can’t trust me as before, but-“ 

“I trust you as much as before.” Jim pointed out, “I’ve never doubt about that.” 

Leonard nervously forced himself to stay still, pressed against him. “Maybe Spock is right… maybe we could’ve actually got him- or kill him if I was strong enough…” 

“I could’ve killed him for you. You just had to ask.” 

“Yeah, right…” 

“You think I wouldn’t?” Jim looked down at his brown hair, “You think there’s something I wouldn’t do for you?” 

Leonard said nothing, staring at his own hand still grabbing his shirt. 

Jim took a deep breath, “We have a lot to talk about, but we’re not having this conversation in a hospital bed. Just- Bones, believe me when I say that there’s nothing in the whole universe that could keep me away from you. Not a crazy mercenary, nor a lethal, magic power.” 

Leonard blushed a bit, “I’ll try to keep that in mind.” 

“Good. Now… you haven’t eaten since yesterday, so I’ll go ask for an early breakfast.” 

“Alright.” 

“Ok…” Jim didn’t moved. “Bones.” 

“What?” 

“I can’t get up if you don’t let me go...” 

Leonard frowned before quickly let go of his shirt. “Right,” he murmured, but Jim took his hand before he could hide it somewhere else. He held it for a moment, maybe hoping for him to look up, but Leonard just stared at their hands tangled together in silence. 

“I’ll be right back,” Jim said quietly, carefully moving his other arm from under his head and slowly moving out the bed and leaving the room, without looking back. 

Leonard appreciated it because he wasn’t sure he would be able to look at him yet. He took a long, deep breath before sitting up, and another flash of pain from his side made him groan. He nervously passed a hand under the device and then turn to the bedside table: the little box was there, waiting. 

He took it and stared at it for a long moment: Raoul didn’t have any reason to lie, or for killing him. Not anymore. Jim sure would stop him from using it, asking to do millions of controls and testes first, but he was so tired of the pain… He had to use it now. It was just a button after all, and he was already in a hospital, so… 

Leonard swallowed and stood from the bed, moving to lock the door, but his hand stopped on the key after he turned it. 

_“My fear is that you’re trusting the wrong people.”_ Spock’s words make it through his thoughts like a warning bell. He didn’t have to do this alone… to suffer alone again- or just with his demons making him company. 

“Bones?” Jim’s voice came from the other side of the door, trying to turn the handle, “You ok?” 

“Yeah. Just… need a moment.” 

Jim sounded like forcing himself to stay calm. “Ok… I’ll wait here. Take your time.” He said, maybe thinking he was changing or something, trying to respect his need of privacy- despite everything that happened because of that.

Leonard closed his eyes, turned the key again and opened the door, watching Jim’s face changing from calm to confused and then worried. “Come in. I need you.” He said moving away to let him enter. 

“What happen?” Jim asked examining the room before looking back at him, head to feet. 

The Doctor locked the door again and sat on the bed, “I know I shouldn’t ask, but I need you to do something for me.” 

“Anything.” 

Leonard smiled a bit at him for the answer that came out instantly, without hesitation. “I need you to use this.” He said handing the little metal box, “That’s the real reason why Raoul came to see me one last time.” 

Jim took it, staring at it for a moment, “What is it?” 

“It should remove the device from my neck. Just open it and push the button inside.” 

“ _It should_?” Jim looked at him in surprise, then worried. “You believe him enough to risk it?” 

“I believe he gave up on me,” Leonard shot back. “He also said that the device is the reason why I’m not healing. Some of the energy is kind of stuck in it, so… sooner we take it off, quicker I’ll heal.” 

“But it could still be a lie. Bones, we don’t know anything about this thing-“ 

“I know, but I can’t take the pain anymore.” He interrupted nervously, “It didn’t stop since I got those powers and I’m tired- Jim, I’m _exhausted_.” Leonard saw him staring worryingly down at the box. “It’s gonna take at least another week before we’ll be sure that that thing works, but I’m going to freak out far before that. I need to use it… with or without you.” 

“That’s why you were closing the door? You wanted to do this by yourself.” Jim stated quietly. 

“But I didn’t. I’m asking you.” The doctor answered, staring at him, “Even if I would prefer spare you something like this.” 

“Why? It’s gonna be dangerous?” 

Leonard took a deep breath. “I’ll be fine… but it’s going to hurt like hell.” 

Jim shook his head before sitting next to him, staring at the box and then at him. “If you know it’s gonna hurt that much-“ 

“I don’t want to wait anymore. You do it, or I’ll do it myself.” 

After a moment of silence, Jim nodded, “Fine. I’ll do it.” 

Leonard sighed in relief. “Thanks.” 

“Anything I need to be ready for?” 

“If it’s going to hurt like when he used it the first time, guess I’ll scream my lungs out- probably bleed and then pass out.” He looked up and huffed: Jim’s face had lost half of his color. “Just remember to call the nurses right away and I’ll be fine.” 

“Bones, that doesn’t sound good at all…” 

“I still can do it myself if you-“ 

“No. No, I said I’ll do it… I will.” Jim straightened his back, preparing himself. 

“One more thing. If the device will be removed and I actually pass out, tell the medics to keep me asleep.” 

“Right… wait, what?” 

“If everything works correctly, they’ll be finally able to put me in that regenerator chamber and fix my wounds.” 

“But you don’t like that chamber.” 

“Yes, but _I need_ that chamber,” he commentated patiently. “If I start healing normally again, the wounds won’t be a problem anymore.” 

Jim stared at him in pure concern. “I don’t want them to force you in there…” 

“I won’t even remember it.” 

“What if you’re not going to faint?” 

“Pretty sure I will.” 

“But what if you don’t?” 

Leonard thought for a moment, “I’ll be taken to emergency again and they will probably put me to sleep anyway, so you’ll know what to do.” He sighed, “Jim, if this is too much-“ 

“I can do it. I’m not letting you do something like this by yourself.” 

The doctor smiled a bit and took a deep breath, “When you’re ready, push the button.” 

Jim opened the box and stared at the gray button for a long moment, then back at him, watching the doctor shaking a bit, eyes closed. 

Leonard opened them when he was dragged into another hug. 

“I’m here, ok?” Jim murmured into his ear, hugging him tightly enough to hurt, feeling him doing the same, shaking into his arms, “I’ll be with you all the time. Not gonna take my eyes off of you not even for a second.” 

Leonard hid his face into his shoulders in a tense silence, eyes closed again, and when the pain struck through his body like a thunder, he screamed and muffled a cry of pure agony against him, nails grasping the fabric of his shirt: Jim’s body all around himself was the last thing he felt before everything turned black.

.-.-.-.-.

“Why you haven't told us sooner?”

“I was kind of busy these days.” 

“So much to forget about something like this?” 

“Apparently, yes.” 

“My God, how the hell you forgot his house was devastated by a tornado?” 

“Scotty, you shouldn’t be downstairs fixing the lights?” 

“I’m a damn space engineer and you call me as an electrician! What in world am I here for? I have no idea!” 

“Because I’m the Captain and- you forgot the bag… Scotty, the bag- damn it.” 

Leonard opened his eyes hearing footsteps running away and little laughs somewhere not too far from him. It took him a moment to realize that he was in his own bedroom- that was his apartment in San Francisco. 

Slowly sitting up, staring at one of his old t-shirts he was wearing, it took him another long, confused moment to notice that he moved without feeling any pain, finally, after weeks. Checking his hip, he found no traces of the knife wound, just smooth skin. Frowning, he quickly put a hand on his neck and found nothing there either. 

Leonard took a deep breath, hands shaking a bit when he lowered down again and shut his eyes to keep away the tears of relief. 

“Here’s the lasts books, Mr. Sulu.” 

“Thank you, Chekov.” 

Leonard turned to the door ajar, letting the voices come to him clearly. He slowly moved out the bed and to the exit. 

“You really took the job very seriously.” 

“Well, it wouldn’t be that bad become a librarian...” 

“Really?” Asked two voices, one male, and one female. 

“Maybe when I’ll be done with space adventures, I could seriously think about it.” 

“That was unexpected…” the female voice giggled. 

“I would like to open a bar.” Chekov said with a solemn nod, a broom in his hand while dreaming of his future, “I always liked to-“ he gasped some Russian words that made both Sulu and Nyota turn around, all of them staring at the doctor standing next to the young man. 

Leonard was staring at the chaos ruling his apartment: most of the furniture was on the ground, some of them upside down, while most of the windows were cracked. Books and documents were abandoned around Sulu that was standing in front of the shelf, probably to put them in order again; Nyota was in the middle of the room with some blankets in hand, but he could see the mess behind her, in the kitchen… apparently, the bedroom was the only safe place of the house. 

“What the hell happened here?” Leonard murmured in confusion, dropping his shoulders.

“Doktor, you’re awake!” Chekov finally unfroze, smiling, but unsure of what to do until he just dropped the broom and caught him into an incredibly strong hug. 

“Ugh- yes, and would be nice to stay like that.” He snorted trying to breathe, but he gave up when also Nyota came to join the hug, leaving the blanket on the floor. “Ok… no one answered me yet, but- ok…” he sighed, noticing Sulu approaching. “You too?” He asked surprised, “The world is going to end or what?”

Sulu smiled patiently, but breathed out in relief, placing a hand on his shoulder, squeezing a bit. “Welcome back, Leonard.” 

He nodded with a little, still unsure smile, and moved his hands to pat each one on Chekov and Nyota’s back. 

“-and that’s done. I’m gonna ask some extra for this. I didn’t even want to come here and-“ Scotty entered the apartment just then and stopped, noticing what was going on. “Oh. Doctor, you’re- you’re awake… and on your feet.” 

“Looks like it,” He sighed, watching him nodding and slowly smiling in affection with watery eyes, “Oh no, please…” 

“Scotty, I’m moving this stuff around since this morning! Can you just-“ Jim came in a moment later with a big bag into his arms, blinking in surprise finding his crew members all together hugging the doctor, with Scotty basically hugging all of them. “Huh… well, ‘guess we’re not gonna fix the house in time.” He commented. 

Leonard looked at him and they both just stared at each other for a moment before the doctor sighed and asked, “Once I’ll be free again, someone can explain to me what happened here?” 

 

They all stayed in the living room for the rest of the afternoon, giving some explanation to Leonard while putting the apartment in order around him. 

Jim told him that he actually fainted when the device unlocked from his neck, that he called all the medic team right away and that they kept him in emergency for the rest of the day, taking care of both his wounds. With the Captain also telling them that he should’ve start healing normally again, without that diabolic thing on his neck, they tried to use the regenerator chamber a second time, relieved to see the wounds finally healing, letting him sleep and rest during the whole process. 

“You slept for two days and this morning Jim insisted to take you back home,” Nyota said, handing the doctor a cup of tea. 

“I thought it would be what you would’ve asked for.” Jim murmured putting lines of scotch tape over the cracks in the window’s glass: those would be fixed in the next days. 

“Yeah...” Leonard nodded with a low voice, sitting on the couch in the living room, the Captain behind him, unable to see his face.

“Of course he does, he was fine,” Scotty nodded while handing plates to Chekov that was putting them away in the kitchen’ shelf. “You are completely fine, Doctor. There was no reason to keep you in that prison any longer.” He continued looking directly at him that just nodded, not aware of the worried expression Jim and Sulu were sharing behind him. 

When the doorbell rang, Leonard flinched a bit but saw Nyota going to open and Spock appearing in the doorway with two big plastic bags in his hands. “I see you well, Doctor.” He said with a nod and a slight smile. 

“Still alive.” Leonard said, frowning at the bags, “What’s that stuff?” 

“The Captain asked me to refill your house of useful supplies. It’s been a long time since you were here and since the apartment was vandalized-“ he stopped when Nyota hit his side with an elbow. 

“Food. He got food.” Scotty huffed, shaking his head at the Vulcan. 

“Thanks.” Was all Leonard could say, still a bit confused. Then, was Spock himself that informed him that the device removed from his neck was useless since they pull it off of him: it stopped working and most of the insides burned themselves. “Hey, at least it didn’t explode,” Scotty pointed out. 

In the late evening, most of the house was kind of back to normal, even if parts of the furniture were ready for the trash. After eating some sandwiches and had some talk, all the guests decided it was time to leave, everyone reminding the doctor to rest. 

That was what Leonard was doing, still sitting the couch when someone gently called for him, and he found Jim on the other side of the coffee table. “Sorry… what you said?” 

“I can take you back to bed if you want to sleep,” Jim said again. 

Leonard sighed, “I can walk. You should go get some sleep too, you look tired.” 

“Not more than you do.” Jim said staring down at him, then looked around, “I wonder what Raoul was searching in here. I mean, you were already there with him, so…” 

Leonard blinked and looked up, “Spock haven’t told you…?” _If he saw my memories, he saw that too…_

“About… what?” Jim asked slowly, tilting his head a bit.

Leonard grinned slightly, shaking his head, staring at the empty cup in his hands for a moment before speak again. “Did you saw a picture around here? The one we took the second year in the Academy, in our dorm?” 

Jim thought for a second, “The one during the party where Nyota got drunk? I don’t know… Chekov was putting photos away... Let me see.” He moved to the shelf, checking in the lowest space, finding what Leonard asked for almost immediately: was of the two of them smiling at the camera with few people in the background, including a younger and very drunk Nyota. “Found it.” He said with a smile, standing and turning around to hand it to him. 

Leonard stared at it, passing his fingers on the cracked glass, then he flipped it and removed the frame, taking a deep breath: the little vial was still there, attached inside the casing. He looked up and found Jim staring down at it. 

“That’s what Raoul was searching for?” he asked. 

“He’s never been good at finding hidden things,” Leonard said taking the little vial and handed it to him. 

“What is it?” 

“The last dose of the serum I distilled from Khan’s blood,” Leonard said, watching him froze on the spot. “The same I used to save you, yes. I know I shouldn’t have kept it, but I did... Terrible mistake.” He sighed, looking down.

Jim pondered his words and then asked, “That’s what Raoul wanted from you?” and the doctor nodded. He sighed, passing both hands over his face before sitting next to him. “And you refused to give it away.” 

Leonard nodded again, “Raoul said he didn’t want it for himself, but to save Claire. I refused, but even if I had given the serum to him, there was no time. It was too late for her.” 

Jim looked down at the vial, then back at him, “Why you keep it?” 

“I don’t-“ Leonard stopped and looked at him, taking a deep breath. “Because of you. Because you keep risking your life every day, and I fear that one time or another I won’t be able to save you.” He stopped and saw him try to say something that didn’t come out. “I’m not saying that it’s your fault,” he added quickly, “but you’re my Captain- and my friend, so I thought it was my duty to…” he gestured with an arm, but then just shook his head. “I shouldn’t have kept it.” He repeated again, looking down. 

“Bones, you-“ 

“Can you do me one last favor?” He interrupted, watching him nod in silence, “Throw it into the sink.” 

Jim wanted to say something about that decision, but he could understand the reason behind it. “You sure?” 

“That’s something no one should have in the first place,” Leonard said, staring at the vial. “I won’t say that creating it was a mistake because it saved your life, but keep it _was_ a mistake. If someone else found it, someone worse than Raoul… what if they’ll use it against me again? Or against you?” he sighed, “It’s a risk I don’t want to face anymore.” 

Jim sighed and nodded, standing up, moving to the kitchen. The water washed away everything inside the sink and then he turned around, showing the empty piece of glass to him before throwing that too into the trash can. “How you feeling?” he asked sitting next to him again. 

Leonard took a deep breath again, “Ready to have my first heart attack next time I’ll see you in med bay.” 

“See this as a chance to have more faith in me in the future.” 

“Easy for you to say.”

“Not at all.” He commented quietly and the other looked down again. Jim moved closer to grab his hand, and he flinched at the touch.

Leonard grabbed his hand before he could move it away. “It’s ok… just a bit nervous.” He said staring at their hands. 

“If you want me to leave…” 

“You want to?” Leonard asked a bit too quickly and blushed at the calm, little smile he saw on Jim’s face while shaking his head in no. “You can stay, then.” He nodded, trying to sound less relieved than he actually was. 

“I will, but you have to promise me something.” 

“Something I feel I won’t like.” 

“Bones…” Jim patiently moved closer, shoulder to shoulder now, grabbing his hand into his, “You risked your career to save my life more than once, but you need to understand that if you’re ever going to die to save me, I’ll hate you first, and then I’ll hate myself for the rest of my life. For me, it won’t ever be worth it.” 

Leonard was staring intently at him, “So next time I just have to let you die?” 

“I’ll try not to, thank you,” the Captain huffed, “but, please, don’t think that my life is more important than yours. Never.” He sighed, kissing his hand. “If I’ve learned something watching you bleeding in a hospital bed, is that I couldn’t live without you either.” He murmured against his fingers, eyes closed. 

Leonard watched him in silence, feeling himself blushing, voice stuck in his throat. He then freed his hand to place it on his cheek, blue eyes meeting green. “I’m sorry.” He already said that, but still felt like it wasn’t enough. And yet, Jim smiled at him, closing his eyes and resting his head against his hand in the comfortable silence that grown around them for the rest of the night.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue will come as another chapter probably in a bit. I'm still staring at it and considering something... anyway, here's the last part of the plot, that should kind of help understand Leonard's actions a bit more.

The morning after, when the sun wasn’t up yet, Leonard woke up in an enjoyable warmth, partly because the blanket reaching over his nose, but also because of Jim sleeping in bed with him, once again above the blankets and still fully dressed like the day before. 

Leonard stared at his blonde hair for a long moment before taking a deep breath, wondering if he was sleeping too much recently. He slowly moved away, careful not to wake him. 

“Wher ‘u ‘oing?” Jim murmured a few seconds later, hearing the doctor huff in resignation. 

“I need a proper shower. Stay here and sleep.” 

“Huh… I need one too…” 

Leonard looked back, but he was already asleep. Smiling, he stood, still surprised not to feel pain from everywhere anymore, but he checked behind his neck again, just to be sure. He slowly left the room and headed to the bathroom. 

 

Jim woke up again with the sound of the rain hitting the window of the bedroom and more light coming through the curtains. He rolled on his stomach and found the bed way too empty. “Shower…” he murmured against the pillow before yawing and sit up, passing a hand over his eyes while leaving the bed bare feet. 

He looked around the apartment now looking more like one and noticed the curtains of the living room were also open on a rainy day. “Bones, have you had breakfast already?” he asked, voice not too loud, but the man wasn’t around. He turned to the bathroom’s door, closed. “Bones?” Jim checked the clock and then knocked twice on the door, “You still in there?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Since when?” 

“What hour is it?” 

“Quarter to eight.” 

“Almost two hours, then.” 

Jim sighed, forehead against the door. “Everything’s alright?” 

“No.” 

Jim felt a shiver of panic, but the doctor sounded in control of himself, not crying or screaming… but still, he was good at lying. “Why, what’s wrong?” 

“It’s so stupid…” 

“What is?”

“That I need a new bathroom.” 

Jim frowned: Scotty checked the bathroom the day before, everything should work fine, and they buy it most of the things he probably needed. “Can I come in?” he asked and the door opened from the inside without an answer. He found Leonard sitting on the toilet cover, next to the door, on the left, still dressed. “Hey… what happen?” 

“It happens that I can’t shower.” 

“Something doesn’t work?”

“Everything works perfectly, but my shower is a damn _cabin_!” he snarled waving an arm at it. 

Jim looked at the cabin shower on the right corner of the bathroom, tried to say something, but then just let out a single “Oh.” 

“ _Oh_ indeed.” 

“You tried to…?” 

“I stayed in there for five seconds before panic, then almost ten seconds, and then I just gave up.” He snorted, crossing his arms, “So I tried the bathtub, but that’s even worse.” 

Jim looked at the tub in front of the toilet for a moment, and there was only one thing he was able to do… 

Leonard looked up at him and his eyes widened in disbelief, “Are you _laughing_?” 

“I’m sorry-“ he let out, crouching on the floor, unable to stop. 

“I’m scared of my own bathroom and you think it’s funny?!” 

“For God’ sake, Bones, you fought aliens and monsters in the deep space!” 

“Well, they weren’t using cabin showers as a weapon!” he yelled back, and after a moment both of them started laughing. 

When he managed to calm down, Leonard just sighed in defeat. “Really, how am I supposed to go back to work like this?” 

“You will,” Jim said, still lowered next to him. Looking up, he saw the doctor with a resigned expression on his face, “You’re still part of the crew. Leaving the Enterprise is not an option.” 

“I know…” he sighed, looking at the cabin, “You wouldn’t let me.” 

“You’re damn right on that.” Jim nodded vigorously and then thought for a moment. “You could try to take a shower under a waterfall…” 

“And what else, meditate to find my inner peace? Jim, I’m a doctor, not a damn monk!” 

“Hey, I’m trying to help.” 

“Then try harder, _Captain_.” 

Jim actually did, then looked at the bathtub and asked, “The tub was worse, you said?” 

“Laying down is worse.” He murmured.

“Ok… what about the water?” 

Leonard shivered a bit, “Isn’t that much of a problem as it was before… I can look at it without panic, now.” He said with sad sarcasm. 

“So what about getting used to the water, first? Then we’ll think about the position,” he said standing up. “I’m pretty good at finding good _positions_.” He added wiggling his eyebrows. 

Leonard just sighed, “If you’ll find one that can keep him somewhere closed into the water for more than ten seconds, I’ll believe that.” 

“Challenge accepted. Come on.” Jim grabbed his hands and pushed him up, moving to the tub until he felt him froze in front of it. “It’s ok. Just sit on the edge and put your feet inside.” 

Leonard nodded in silence, understanding the plan, but never taking his eyes off the tub. 

“Ok, I’ll start the water now, slowly. The cap is off, see?” 

“Jim, I have a problem with the water, I’m not three years old.” 

“Sorry. Ok then…” Jim was sitting next to him on the border, but keeping himself outside. 

Leonard watched the water flowing in the tub almost silently, spreading on the white, smooth floor, and he flinched back a little. When the water touched his feet he shivered, but forced himself to stay still, closing his eyes… was the water rising already?

“Bones, don’t close your eyes,” Jim said with a low but serious voice, “You can watch. Don’t fool yourself with something that’s not happening.” 

He looked sideways at him first, a bit surprised, then looked down: the water was indeed barely over his feet. He took a deep, sad breath, “I’m not sure who’s the doctor anymore…” 

“It’s still you. All I know, I learned it from you,” Jim said, then decided to test his luck, “Bit more?” and when the other nodded, he pulled the lever slightly up. 

Leonard stared at the water around his feet, but also that it was flowing away into the bathtub’s hole. “You can close it.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah,” he nodded, always staring at the water, watching it rising over his feet, reaching his ankles and then a bit more, “That’s enough.” He murmured nervously and the water stopped immediately. He took a shattered breath in feeling the water against the skin, staring at the transparent liquid for a long moment. “I hate it…” 

Jim was so focus on him, he blinked twice before managed to answer. “We can stop whenever you want.” 

“Not _this_. I mean the whole situation. Maybe you all were right… letting Raoul go was actually a mistake.” Just then, Leonard noticed that Jim hadn’t asked anything about Raoul yet, or about what happened between them… or Leonard’s past. He looked at him and, as he was expecting, Jim was staring at the water in silence, the little smiled disappeared from his face. “Sorry.” 

“You don’t have to apologize.” 

“I do.” 

“Well, maybe… but not about Raoul.” Jim sighed, “He seems to be the kind of guy that no one wants to betray…” 

Leonard frowned, “What you mean?” 

Jim looked at him just for a second. “It’s just- we got half of his crew and no one said anything about him. Janeway thinks that even torture would be useless. Really, he’s so damn charismatic or- I don’t know, he have some magic spell he can use on people… no idea.” 

“You think that I’m not talking about him because I’m loyal to him?” Leonard didn’t bother to hide disbelief and hurt in his voice.

“I didn’t say that.” 

“It wasn’t very subtle, Jim.” 

“I said that they must have their reason, and you- I guess you have yours.” 

“And you think it’s the same reason.” 

“I-“ Jim stopped, frustrated, and then shrugged in defeat. “How am I supposed to understand you if you keep hiding things from me?” 

Leonard stared angrily at him, also hurt, but being angry was easier than show how painfully those words hit him. “If you don’t trust me, why you stayed?” 

“I do trust you, but-” 

“But you _doubt_ about me. Or you’re ok with me being loyal to Raoul?” 

“Of course I wouldn’t be-“ 

Leonard looked back at the water. “Get out,” he said coldly.

“Bones-“ 

“ **Get. Out.** ” 

Grasping hard on the tub, Jim said nothing else and left the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

.-.

Leonard didn’t actually tell him to _get out_ from the apartment, so Jim stayed. He also hasn't locked himself in the bathroom and the water didn’t started again until two hours later, just to stop again after few minutes.

None of them ate, and none of them said or did anything until it was afternoon and the storm was raging outside.

Jim stared at the door almost all the time, amazed by Leonard’s level of stubbornness… Of course, he still tried to understand, tried to convince himself that Bones letting Raoul go one more time didn’t hurt him like it actually did. He trusted his friend, that wasn’t a lie, he was sure that there was a reason- a hell of a good reason to let Raoul go after everything he has done to him. To all of them. 

Jim hadn’t said anything to the Admiral the first time, and the second time he just said that Morten got spotted around the hospital… Because he knew- he was sure that Leonard knew what he was doing. And still, what he really hoped, still hoping, was that Leonard wasn’t forgiving Raoul, or trying to just put aside what happened because he was scared of something else… And if _that_ was the case, Jim needed to know what the hell Leonard was thinking to help him out. Why it had been easier talk with Raoul rather than with his own Captain was a mystery not even Spock had been able to solve.

In the end, worry prevailed over the guilt and, taking a deep breath, Jim stood up and knocked at the door. “Bones, you ok?” he asked, but got no answer. “You’ve been in there quite a while. It’s- it’s almost three in the afternoon. You should eat something… you know that.” He sighed, and after another moment of silence added, “Listen, just let me be sure you’re ok and then I’ll leave, alright? I’m coming in.” Slowly opening the door, he didn’t find the man on the toilet, nor in the bathtub… Jim blinked and saw Leonard’s legs coming out of the cabin shower, the shadow of his body against the blurry glass-walls. “Bones!” He called and ran crouching next to him.

Leonard’s eyes flashed open and he jolted awake on the shower’s floor, hands slamming against the walls in fear until he saw the man in front of him. “Damn it- you scared me!” 

“ _You_ scared me! I thought you pass out!” Jim yelled back angrily. 

Leonard frowned, “I was just trying to stay in here without panic, you idiot. I thought you already left.” 

“Yeah, right, leaving a man that can barely stand closed in the bathroom-“ 

“I can stand.” 

“Bones, can you stop pretending that nothing happened just for one damn moment?” That shut the doctor up, so Jim continued, “You honestly think that after all this time I don’t care- or I don’t trust you? I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t! I am trying, I always try, but you-“ he stopped, shaking his head in resignation and standing up, just to be stopped by the other that grabbed his arm. Jim stared at him, waiting. 

“I know.” Leonard said, voice low and guilty, looking sideways at him, “I don’t want you to go.” 

“I wasn’t going to but I swear, if you start telling that you’re fine-“ 

“I was kidnapped, tortured and drowned in a capsule in the last weeks- and I can’t even take a shower. I’m clearly not fine.” Leonard said, looking at him, “And I know who’s responsible for this, just as I know that you’re here to help me, even if you don’t trust me anymore.” 

“I do. Bones, I do trust you…” Jim almost cried. He sighed and moved free from his grasp, kneeling in front of him, taking his head into his hands. “This is not about trust, I’ll always trust you, no matter what. This is- it’s fear. Bones, I’m terrified that I’ll lose you to Raoul again, at some point. Don’t you get it?” 

Leonard blinked, confused, “I’m not- how can you think that I’ll go back to him?” 

“Because I don’t have one damn clue about what I should think right now, or what _you_ are thinking. And maybe because you were angrier with me, outside the hospital, than with the man that almost killed you… Just maybe.” He sighed.

Leonard was ready to say something back: that it wasn’t true, that he wasn’t really angry at him and that he would never go back to Raoul… There were so many excuses to use but, staring in those eyes full of worry and affection, they all vanished. “I killed a man to save Raoul’s life,” he said quietly, almost without realizing. “I killed a man when I was twenty-five… and I never paid for my crime. I don’t even know who he was.” 

Jim was staring at him in surprise but didn’t moved, hands still through his hair, almost as anchoring both of them to the ground. 

“I know that it was a long time ago, that- that it’s stupid, that I shouldn’t feel forced to help him because of that anymore, but it’s-” he started shaking, the air suddenly colder. “I never said anyone, and then I joined Starfleet and no one knew, no one- no one arrested me…” he stopped when Jim let him go, just to drag him into a hug. He wasn’t used receiving all those hugs, but he hold into that one like his life was depending on it.

 

Leonard seemed unable to stop shaking after they left the shower. Jim basically dragged him out of it and let him sit on the couch in the living room, refusing to keep talking on the bathroom’s floor. 

The doctor gladly accepted the blanket the other offered, but he kept shaking into it, eyes closed and head down. Maybe it was just tension, maybe he was scared to see Jim leaving him after what he told him, or maybe that was the feeling admitting your worst crime and fear. Maybe it was for all those reasons, but he simply couldn’t stop shaking… just like what happened after saving Raoul’s life. 

“Bones…” 

“Don’t leave.” He blurted out, cocooned into the blanket, “Please, just… stay here.” 

“I will. Leonard, look at me?” 

_Why you’re calling me Leonard? That can’t be good… he’s going to leave. He’ll regret everything we made together so far…_

Leonard could feel the fear washing over him repeatedly in cold waves, until he noticed something touching his face and he jumped a bit, blinking, finding Jim next to him on the couch, caressing his face with both his hands. “Don’t leave.” He said again, almost ready to cry. 

“I’m not leaving.” 

“You have all the rights to, but-“ 

“I’m not leaving,” Jim repeated, his thumbs slowly stroking his cheeks, but he looked also confused. “That’s why you’re shaking…?” 

“I’m just a liar…” 

“No, you’re not.” 

“I didn’t mean to kill anyone, but-” 

“You never would if it wasn’t the only choice. I know that.” 

“He was going to kill Raoul. I had to- to do something. I always stayed away from the fights, but that time…” a violent shiver forced him to stop and shut his eyes again. He couldn’t follow his thought anymore- it wasn’t a panic attack, and he knew the house wasn’t that cold, but the memories… the blood, the storm raging in his mind and also outside, and he could still hear the screams after the shot… 

Something hit his neck and _Hypospray?_ was his last thought before he fell asleep. 

 

When he woke up again, he was staring at the ceiling of the living room, feeling like someone used his body as a punching bag for hours. Leonard turned his head a bit and found the tense face of his Captain, sitting cross legs in front of the couch. “Sedative…?” he murmured and the other nodded. “Good thinking.” 

Jim let out a big, long breath of relief, dropping his head down enough to rest on the doctor’s arm. “Bones, I beg you, don’t do this to me ever again.” 

“You did well.” 

“I was terrified! I had no idea of what was happening to you, and you kept shaking…“ he sighed, looking up at him again, “It’s always like this when you have to take care of me?” 

Leonard shook his head, “Was this bad only once.”

Jim stared at him in silence and then gently placed a hand on top of his head. “I always thought that you were overreacting about my death and that one day I would’ve forgiven myself for scaring you like that… now I know I never will.” 

Leonard looked down at the blanket over his body, then back at him. “Thanks… for the hypo. And for not leaving.” 

“I told you, nothing can keep me away from you,” Jim said with a light smile, but this time his voice was serious, his blue eyes staring at him like that was a promise more important than the whole universe. 

Leonard knew those words had a different meaning now, and he could feel almost physically the weight of it. “What you want to know?” 

There, the book was ready to be open… and Jim realized he wasn’t ready. “I wish you’d asked me that a few weeks ago, while drinking something strong.” 

The doctor smiled a bit, “A drink would sure be nice right now.” 

“Well, lucky you, there’s still some tea for you. I’ll take care of that first, and when I’ll be back, you can tell me anything you want.” 

Leonard frowned a bit, “But-“ 

“I don’t want to force you talking about your past if you don’t want to, but I want you to know that I’ll listen whatever you want to say. I’ll listen, or we can just stare at each other, but I’m not going anywhere, alright?” Jim caressed his hair again before standing and walking to the kitchen. He kept his eyes on the tea, imposing himself to give his friend a moment to pull himself together after that last crisis.  
Jim rarely felt so scared in his life, with no idea of what to do, of what was happening… He mentally noted to himself to thank Spock for leaving few hyposprays there the day before. 

When the tea was ready in the cup Jim turned around, finding Leonard sitting on the couch, the blanket around his body shaken from brief, little shivers. “You’re still cold?” he asked handing the cup. 

Leonard shook his head in no but enjoyed the heat against his hands. “It all started when I took the job as assistant of a doctor I meet during my last college’s year,” his voice was low, eyes glued on the cup. “It wasn’t a good time, and it sure didn’t get better when I decided to follow him and work for a private group- some kind of ex-military clan that turned out to be more like a bunch of angry soldiers missing killing people. They kept me there for two months before Raoul found me.” 

Jim silently sat next to the doctor without taking his eyes off him, not missing a single word. 

“I remember he came to see me the night they saved me and I was ready to explain that they forced me to work for them, but he- Raoul didn’t ask anything. He never did, actually… he just told me that none of the clan had survived, they were all dead, and their base destroyed, with all the documents in it.” Leonard took a breath and looked at the other that was listening with a worried expression. “I know it’s hard to believe, but Raoul wasn’t the worst of his kind back then.” 

“I figured that much.” 

Leonard frowned a bit, “Really?” 

Jim sighed patiently. “You let him go. I knew there was a better reason than a debt,” he said and saw him looking down again, “But after what happened, how he convinced you to work with him?” Jim asked then, even if it almost stayed just as a question inside his mind. 

“Giving me a gun,” Leonard said with irony. “Even if he never asked me to work for him, or forced me to, he kind of made it clear that my help would be well accepted. I wasn’t even considering the offer at first… I knew they were mercenaries, even if Raoul usually called themselves _payed adventurers_. I started to think about it, living with them for a while, but my trust issues were still at their peak, so he offered me to join them for just one mission, on Earth, to see how it could be working together. And he gave me a gun, his own gun, to defend myself, if I’d felt the need to.” Jim moved and he looked at him, “What?” 

“Nothing.” 

“I told you, you can ask anything you want.” 

Jim looked unsure, but asked anyway: “Did you keep it?” 

“I never used that one.” He clarified, because he knew that was the real question. They stared at each other for a moment before Leonard continued, “I give it back when I accepted to stay with them. I told Raoul my conditions- I told him that I wasn’t made to be a mercenary, but he said that was fine because they were mercenary enough even for me.” He huffed a laugh, shaking his head. “The time I spent there was almost perfect. I was busy taking care of the injured people, but they were different from the clan I met the first time… it really looked like a place where I could stay. Then we got a job- searching for a missing person, and the magic ended.” 

“Mercenaries searching for a missing person?” Jim asked a bit surprised. 

Leonard nodded again, then laughed coldly. “Raoul himself wasn’t sure about it, but they paid him in advance and it looked like an easy mission…” Hearing Jim snorting a sarcastic laugh, he nodded sadly, “Of course it turned out more complicated than that. Apparently, the person we were searching for had killed the daughter of someone important and we got stuck in the crossfire without knowing. We were going to give up, Raoul just wanted to leave and give the money back, but he got caught with part of the crew. I managed to free them but then… then we had to fight. I can’t even remember how, but I got a gun and then there was a man trying to kill Raoul with- with a big knife or something… and I shot him.” 

Jim let out a breath, realizing he stopped breathing for a second, unsure to say something. 

“I didn’t even hesitate,” Leonard continued, staring into the cup, “I didn’t ask anything or told him to stop, I just aimed for the head and shot. A damn clear shot… I’ve never been so cold in action- hell, maybe not even while stitching up someone. I realized what happened only when Raoul called me back to reality.” Leonard shivered and looked at Jim’s legs, refusing to meet his eyes. “No need to say that what happened that day changed everything. Raoul was feeling responsible that I broke my rules because of him. He tried everything to help me get over it… maybe he still feels like he failed on that.” 

“Bones, after something like that you just needed time to-“ 

“I needed to go away from them,” Leonard pointed out shaking his head. “I tried to stay, but since that day even Raoul changed. He became more aggressive, more- violent against any enemy… maybe it was because he almost died, maybe because he felt guilty that what happened slowly pushed me away from him and the rest of the group… I don’t know.”

Jim stared sadly at him, forcing himself not to touch him. He could feel that it wasn’t the moment for comfort yet. 

“We both knew it was a matter of time before I would leave,” Leonard said after a moment, “No matter how many times he and all the crew told me that what I did was the right thing, that I saved Raoul’s life and that that was what any of them would’ve done… I couldn’t shake it off- sure not staying there. So I faced Raoul and told him that I had to leave. He wasn’t surprised- he wasn’t even mad, just sad… disappointed maybe, but I’m not sure about who anymore.” 

“Why he should be disappointed by you?” Jim couldn’t stop from asking. 

“Because he knew that I-“ Leonard looked at him, stopped and then tried again, “Why you think I decided to become a medic? Why I rarely jump into the battle?” 

“Because you’re damn good at saving lives.” 

Leonard sighed patiently. “And because I know how easy is to wipe them away. I always knew that, even more being a doctor, and after what happened…” he shivered again. “Raoul told me that it was part of the game. That it was a risk anyone may have to face one day, especially people like us, and I politely yelled at him that I wasn’t like them and I would never be.” He shook his head, “But I did felt like a criminal for a long time, even after a left. Raoul took care of everything, so I wasn’t even in jail, I was alive and free, and that just made it worse. Trying to create a family helped, but then- well, you know I’m not a lucky man.” 

_Why you never told me about all this?_ , was all Jim was ready to scream, but he stayed silent. Being angry wouldn’t make any good to anyone. 

“I remember I was so angry at Raoul for dismissing everything like nothing happened… how he kept saying that what I did hadn't turned me into a monster, but gave me the knowledge of what I was capable of- and that I shouldn’t have to be afraid of it. That’s what he still thinks. Embrace the dark side and all that shit.” 

“Looks more like he just wanted you to admit you had one.” Jim commented with a serious voice and saw him look up at him. 

“I admitted it when I shot that man in the head.” 

“And that scared you?” 

“I lost control that day, that’s what scares me.” 

“You didn’t lose control. Raoul was going to die and he was your friend. You knew what you were doing.” 

“That would make it even worse.” 

“No. That would mean that you were in full control of yourself.” Jim insisted, moving a bit closer, “You did it to save him. Like what you did to protect me after the crash- and you could’ve killed Raoul there, but you didn’t.” 

He looked down, “I almost did…” 

“But you didn’t. Bones, you’re stronger than you think- even more than me.” 

Leonard snorted, eyeing doubtfully at him. “You sure about that?” 

“I’m sure that if I was in your place, I would’ve killed him.” Jim said with a low voice, “Because that’s what happens when people we care about is in danger. We’re human, we lose control… I did it too, after what happened to Pike, and you know how much _that_ situation could’ve got worse.” 

“You’re nothing like him.”

“Neither are you. You’re able to see where’s the limit even in the worst moment and do the right thing, for how bad it could be. That doesn’t make you the monster you think you are.” 

Leonard looked at him and sighed, “Sometimes still feels like I am.” He murmured. 

“Well, we have plenty of people you saved in the last years ready to differ.”

Leonard smiled a bit, then passed a hand over his neck. That was sadly becoming a thing, apparently. “Look, I’m not talking about this because I want to make you feel as bad as me, ok? I made a mistake, I’ll deal with it, but you deserved to know- to understand what made me let Raoul go away. It’s not because I’m loyal to him or because I forgive him, but he let me go when I need it, and that day, outside the hospital… I felt I had to do the same.” 

Jim was staring at him more serious now. “You pity him?” 

“It’s not pity,” he shook his head, “more like understanding. I still remember his face when I told him I had to leave, and I saw that same face outside the hospital: the stupid feeling of betrayal, of loss, giving up on someone you thought was your friend... I felt the same when you stabbed me.” 

That hurt, but Jim just looked down in silence.

“I know you did it to save me, I don’t hate you for that, but the sensation of being fooled again, from _you_ of all people… it lasted just for a second, but it scared me more than all this shitstorm we’ve been through.” 

Was Jim’s time to take a deep breath, looking guilty at him, “Only for a second? You sure?” 

“I stood up with a knife in my stomach to save your ungrateful ass, didn’t I?” Leonard snorted. 

“You did.” Jim smiled a bit, “And I doubt I’ll ever stop having nightmares about that moment anytime soon.” 

“You will. Eventually.” 

“Thanks a lot, doc.” 

Leonard finally smiled back, a little but sincere smile that, sadly, didn’t last long. “I never thought that Raoul would’ve become like this… I know his life hadn’t been easy either, but he always seemed able to overcome everything.” 

“Everything but losing a friend.” Jim saw him look up, and he shrugged innocently, “That’s something _I_ can understand.” 

Leonard leaned his back against the couch, “I wonder if Claire made the difference for him after I left… and if she did, in the end Raoul lost her too…” he sighed, passing a hand over his tired eyes.

Jim thought for a moment, then said, “Maybe it’s thank to her if he didn’t completely lose his mind…” and saw the doctor look at him, “Well, he tried to kill _me_ to defend you… and he actually protected you from Janeway too.” 

“How?” He asked, perplexed.

“Remember the file the Admiral had on you I told you? I told you about it in one of my messages.” 

It took Leonard a second or two to remember and his face dropped a bit, “You already knew everything? You-“ 

“I read it, yes, but there was nothing about what you did- to save Raoul’s life. We know for sure that someone sent those informations to Janeway after you got kidnapped, and the files were enough to start an investigation, but there was nothing actually useful to charge you for anything.” 

Leonard stared at him in silence for a long moment, then repeated, “You read it.” As a cold statement.

“Was that or hear a review of it from Spock,” Jim sighed. “I didn’t want to read it, but he said that as a Captain it was my duty to know and- he kept talking for a while, but I stopped listening and read it by myself.” 

“Someone else did?” 

“No. Just me and Spock. And the Admiral.” 

“I thought Raoul told all of you about what I did…” 

Jim shook his head, “Apparently, he’s just a sick bastard, but not the big coward I thought he was.” 

Leonard tried to say something, stopped and then just sighed, “You know, for once I have no objections on something you said.” 

“I’ll enjoy the moment, then.” 

The doctor smiled a bit, looking away for a moment, “Jim, I swear, there’s nothing that would convince me to go back to that life. If you think that I’ll try to save Raoul from his sentence to death, I can assure you that I won’t. I’ll be sad about his death? Probably, for a while. He was like a brother to me, and I still can’t fully understand what happened that turned him into the person we saw now… but I’m done with him and my past. I love the life I have here, I love you and that deathly trap you call spaceship, and I’m not going to give up on any of- what?” 

Jim’s face was suddenly alarming red. “You… well, you just said…” 

“I said what?” 

“Don’t you dare...” 

“I’ve said a lot of things so far-“ 

“You can’t just casually say that you love someone without even realizing!” 

Leonard opened his mouth, closed it and thought for a second. “I did?” 

“Goddammit, Bones…” Jim dropped his face into his hands in disbelief and resignation, not ready to face the world anymore. 

“Jim…” 

“I really hate you right now.” 

“I mean it.” 

“About what? _You said a lot of things so far_.” 

“That I love you.” 

Jim wondered if his face was actually on fire now. Maybe the smoke was visible… then Leonard moved closer and hugged him, covering both of them with the blanket.

“I was lucky enough to find you on that shuttle, years ago, and you keep making the difference in my life since then.” Leonard murmured against his shoulder, “I always hoped to be able to do the same for you.” 

“You already did.” Jim murmured still hiding into his hands. When he lowered them, he kept his red face down, staring at the floor. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.” 

Leonard swallowed hard. “I’m not sure that will be enough to deserve my place next to you anymore.” 

“I told you, leaving me is not an option,” Jim said moving back a little to face him, “Nothing changed. What you told me today just made me understand that you’re braver than I thought. And if Raoul was right about something, is that you don’t have to hide that.”

Leonard kept an arm over his shoulder, taking a deep breath while digesting his words. “You sure you won’t be scared?” he murmured with a hint of irony.

Jim huffed a laugh, leaning against him, “Bones, the only thing about you able to scare me, would be losing you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... there's that. *poker face*   
> I'm not sure if I used the right age for Leonard, talking about the past, but it should be around that age... Any help is welcome.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAND... we're done. Really? I was so used to chill with this fic for so long *omg so damn duckly long help* ... but I have to admit, this was the first time I really, really enjoyed writing a long fic. Maybe because the story was clear in my mind already, I don't know, but, hey, it's over :D  
> If you really made it this far, here, have a cup of coffee and I hope you'll enjoy the ending.

_“Hey McCoy- wake up.”_

_Leonard jolted awake, staring at the bloodied face of Raoul. “Wha- what happened?” He asked sitting up, “We’re- you hurt?”_

_“Nothing bad. You alright?”_

_“Y-yeah…” Leonard coughed in the smoke and looked up at the top of the cliff from where he fell. Looking down at himself, he saw a cut on his arm, through the jacket, and felt pain from his back, maybe some damaged ribs. He flinched touching his shoulder as well, but focus better on his captain, “You _are_ hurt.” He stated, staring at the blood flowing over the side of the man’s face, “I need something to stop the bleeding…”_

_“Don’t worry about it. We have to-“_

_Leonard grabbed him before he could fall, passing his arm over his shoulders to keep him up. “We have to find the others, I know, but I need to patch you up first.”_

_“I’m fine…”_

_“No, you’re not- Raoul, stay awake- hey!” Leonard tried to shake him, but the mercenary fainted anyway. “Damn it.” He murmured, walking away from the cliff, the village exploding up there still a vivid image in his memory._

 

 _When Raoul woke up, he grabbed the arm he found close to his face, realizing it was just the new medic of his crew. “… We’re alive?”_

_“Barely.” Leonard sighed, freeing himself to keep dabbing a cloth over his wounded head, “That was the most idiotic action I ever saw. They were shooting! Are you blind or something?”_

_“Uhm…”_

_“Why the hell you jumped in front of me?” Leonard snorted, stopping the medication to stare nervously at him, “I wasn’t that close, he was probably going to miss me.”_

_“Better safe than sorry.” Raoul smile tiredly, sitting better against the tree: they stopped into the same little forest they walked through when they arrived there. “You joined us just one month ago… I don’t want to search for another doctor already.”_

_Leonard took a deep breath to stay calm, “I’m a doctor, not a damn warrior and you should know that by now. I told you that I’m not made for the battlefield.”_

_“You are but don’t worry, I’m here to protect you.” He smiled a bit more at the nervous glare he got for that. “That’s how we work, McCoy, we help each other. You’re part of the family now, you better accept that.”_

_“How can you be so sure that I’ll do the same for you?” Leonard snorted, patting his hands over his own jacket to clean them from the blood._

_“I know you will.”_

_“You have too much faith in me.” he commented sitting next to him. The village was still burning over the cliff, they could see the colors of the fire illuminating the smoke rising to the night sky._

_“Since when that’s a bad thing?” He asked, puzzled._

_Leonard just sighed, shaking his head. “I don’t like people dying because of me. I’m supposed to save them from that.”_

_“What a pure heart you have, Doctor.”_

_“Shut up. I’m serious.”_

_Raoul coughed a bit, a thin level of smoke still all around them, “Me too. You’re too good for us, Leonard…”_

_“That’s for sure,” he murmured, looking down, “but you got a bullet for me, so thanks.”_

_Raoul turned to look at him, “You could’ve killed him. I gave you that gun for a reason.”_

_“I told you, I save people. I don’t kill them.”_

_“Sadly, not everyone shares your philosophy.” Raoul bumped his shoulder against him, “I just want you to stay alive as long as possible.”_

_“I’ll try, but you don’t have to take any more bullets for me.”_

_“Oh, please… I told you I would take care of you since the first day…”_

_“And I told you that I wasn’t made to be a mercenary since then.”_

_Raoul stared at him for a moment, “What scares you so much? I know it’s not the danger or the fights because I saw you stitching that girl’s leg up while there was a war just outside the door and your hands weren’t even shaking.”_

_“And I saw what this life can make out of you. I don’t want to become like those people.”_

_Raoul stared intently at him before talk again, “If you’re talking about Caeser, he was like that since the beginning, he just_ accidentally _forgot to tell you about it. You’re none of that.”_

_“Why you take me with you if you know that I won’t fight for you? You’re the Captain of a mercenary’s crew, so how can you trust me like this?” Leonard asked instead._

_Raoul sighed, “Well, you’re a doctor, at least I know you’ll be there to patch me up,” he tried to be ironic, but the other didn’t looked pleased about it. “Leonard, you told me your conditions, and I accepted them. What can I say? I have faith.”_

_“Faith? Even after I said that I-”_

_“I believe you’re able to take the right decision more than me,” Raoul interrupted, “That’s also why I wanted you with us. You have the ability to think twice before doing something- I clearly lack on that.” He said, waving an arm at the burning cliff. “I don’t need you to be like us. I just hope you’ll understand that you’re much more than a simple doctor. You have it in your bones.”_

_Leonard sighed, “You mean in my blood?”_

_“Or in that… You know what I mean.” He huffed._

_The doctor looked away, “Just don’t expect me to become a warrior. That’s not in me for sure.”_

_“We all are warriors when the time of fighting is upon us…” Raoul said in a deep voice that made the other frown. “That’s what an old man once told me. He was a traveler we took with us for a while. He told us about his people, how they were a very peaceful civilization, but also the most heartless warriors when it was time to defend themselves and their families.”_

_“Are you sure they weren’t just a bunch of crazy people?”_

_“Medically speaking? I have no idea… but the old man was alright. He even sang for us…”_

_“Definitely crazy…”_

_Raoul snorted a laugh. “His people used to make music for the bravest warriors, or for a particularly hard fight. I wish I recorded one of the songs he let us hear…”_

_“I still think he needed some medical assistance.”_

_“Should I start making songs about us too?”_

_“No, thanks.”_

_“Wouldn’t be very much mercenary-ish, isn’t it?” Raoul nodded and laughed at the face of resignation on the young doctor’s face, “Come on, I’m sure they would make plenty of songs about you.”_

_“I haven’t done anything that great.”_

_“You saved twenty-three people in two days. That’s pretty great to me.” Raoul commented, watching him blush a little, looking away. “You’ll be up to more greatness, my dear Leonard… and you’re so picky, you would probably demand to create your music by yourself.” He laughed._

_“It would be a sad song about a doctor that liked to drink too much…” Leonard said, but his voice was more serious now. Looking back at him, he saw a melancholic expression of his face, “What?”_

_Raoul slowly shook his head, “You keep saying that, but you’re not just a doctor, Leonard. I’m sure your music would be a great battle symphony… and I hope I’ll be there to listen.”_

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Leonard woke up with a strange sensation that memory left into his mind. _I sure could make a battle symphony out of this mess_ he thought, lazily wondering of how much he was sleeping recently… until a more important thought hit him.

 _Jim._ He blinked and sat up on the couch, finding the young Captain asleep on the little couch close by. Leonard breathed out, hating himself for thinking even for a second that Jim had left. He stared at him for a while before noticing a note on the coffee table- a note written by Jim himself: ‘I’ve fixed the bathroom, you should be able to take a shower now. Don’t worry if you wake me up. Breakfast together’. 

Leonard smiled a bit, looking tenderly at the man half-sprawled on the couch. Leaving the note, he stood up and curiously moved to the bathroom. Once inside, he froze in disbelief: the shower was still there, but the cabin’s walls weren’t, all of them removed and placed inside the bathtub. Leonard took a deep breath, looking down while a knot of affection stopped in his throat for a moment. He sniffed a bit, blinking away the tears and sent an embarrassed look in the living room before closing the door. 

 

Jim startled awake when his head bent too much aside and he jumped sitting straight, eyes half open and face tense and confused until he remembered where he was. The couch next to him was empty, so he stood up and turned around, finding a half-naked and half-wet Leonard in the kitchen, checking the coffee machine. His mouth was still open in silent surprise when he hit the low table with his leg, “Ouch- dammit…” 

Leonard turned around, “Good morning to you too.” 

“’Morning…” he nodded massaging his leg. When he stood again, he saw the other staring back at him with a calm expression- relaxed like he hasn't seen him in weeks. “You’re-“ Jim coughed and tried again, “The shower works?” he asked and the other nodded. 

“I’ve made a pool on the floor, though,” Leonard said, leaning against the sink. 

“I’ll clean it when I’m done too.” Jim braced himself, hoping not to blush again. He made it to the kitchen, standing next to him, partly relieved of the towel he had around his hips… and partly disappointed.  
He’d never focused so much to get a simple glass of water.

“When you removed that stuff?”

“Tonight. I couldn’t sleep, so…” Jim shrugged. The heat coming from Leonard’s body was calling him like a hot cup of chocolate during a snowstorm. He drank all his water in one gulp. 

“And you didn’t even wake me up.” 

“I tried my best.” Jim grinned proud of himself and looked at him. His mouth shutting up, but his eyes couldn’t look away from the pure love and caring he found in Leonard’s. 

“Thank you. For the shower, and for still being here.” The doctor said softly. 

“No need to thank me. You would’ve done the same. You did actually, more than once.” 

“I know… it’s weird the other way around.” 

“ _Weird,_ ” Jim repeated, coldly offended. 

“In a good way,” Leonard said and his usual little grin reappeared on his face. 

Jim sighed in annoyance, but his eyes probably betrayed him because the doctor never stopped smiling. Jim gently caressed his arm and blinked, “Bones, you’re freezing-“ 

“I’m fine.” 

“You’ll catch a cold.” 

“I’ll be fine,” he said again, sliding closer to him, “Thanks to you.” 

Jim vaguely felt the edge of the sink pressing against his lower back, too busy staring at Leonard’s eyes, his half-wet hair, and then at his lips… he cupped his face with both hands but then stopped, looking up again, “Can I kiss you?” 

Leonard wasn’t sure how to take the question, but he could understand it. Slowly, he shook his head in no and removed his hands from his face, just to move forward and kiss him himself while entangling their fingers together. 

It wasn’t a long and passionate kiss, but there was love, trust and caring. When they parted just slightly, opening his eyes, Leonard stared into the blue and said, “Don’t ask for it next time, alright? Because I’m not going to ask your permission for the things I’ll do to you tonight.” 

Jim’s face reddened again, swallowing hard but he smiled back, his usually cocky smile, “I’m still your Captain, you know?” 

“I thought we could work on something better than that...” Leonard said raising his eyebrows but still caressing his face.

“Are you flirting with me, Doctor McCoy?” 

“Are you blushing, Captain?” 

“Shut up and go get dressed while I cook something. I’m starving…” Jim snorted placing a hand over his face to push him away, turning to the coffee machine, hoping to hide his red face. 

Leonard smiled and slowly walked to his room, but stopped in the doorway and turned around, watching Jim cooking for them in his apartment… and he couldn’t think of anything better than that. 

 

Fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few things I feel to point out: I know from half of the fic (or maybe almost until the last parts) it looked like there was a deeper relationship between Leonard and Raoul, but I honestly never thought about them that way while writing this plot. Some of the readers commented talking about Raoul's _obsession_ for Leonard, and that's maybe closer to what I intended about him, but actually nothing more.
> 
> That was mostly the reason why I let Leonard said that Raoul was like a brother to him in the previous chapter, and also why I left this flashback of their past in the Epilogue. I wasn't sure to put it in the fic because it kind of made it look like he was a poor, little thing in the past (and he wasn't, being a mercenary and killing people already), but I hope it shows a bit more what kind of friendship they had- how Raoul was ok with Leonard's moral and how he kind of stopped accepting it after he left, using them against him. Broken friendships can do that, and worse. 
> 
> As I said before, I didn't focus on Raoul and Leonard's past too much because that would make this fic WAY longer, and somehow the plot stayed focus on saving Leonard from the present danger. Can't say I won't write something else about his past and Raoul because it sure intrigues me... BUT for now, we're done. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, the awesome comments and for sticking to the story until the end. I know it's still a nest of grammar errors, and I'm always surprised that people deal with them and read anyway *tears of joy and shame*.


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